Beholding a grieving mother

These boys are such blessings in my life.  Yes, I know they cause havoc and give me gray hairs "hidden" (I think!), but they are such blessings.

We literally cannot get through a scripture study session without having Aiden bang his feet against the wall, jump as he stares out the window and then end by praying with his monkey as the puppet for Aiden...a changed voice and all. 

But I know the Lord gave me them for a reason.

I stood at the window today and decided to fix up a small portion of last nights solo dinner (really am detesting Steve's night shifts), and after I did, I took a small bite, then glanced up at the clock, which ticked ever so slow today.

It was 3:07, and in an instant I went from getting through the day, to suffocating.  My heart sunk, the air was taken from my lungs as I gasped for breaths between tears.  I was happy to have the children all off playing in their own areas because I am not a fan of them seeing a grieving mother, as much as they have had to.

It is strange how the numbers on a clock can take you back to an instant memory, today they did just that...deeper than they ever have before.

Today, I was taken back to the tears and gasps for air that I bartered the Lord for in that very moment; in that moment when I gave the Lord my life, and if He asked...death...so that I could have a child, which came at 3:07 and was laid delicately upon me.  The gasps and cries in that moment were for joy...the gasps I took this afternoon were in remembrance of joy and pain.

When you lose a child, you never know when grief will strike you again....it is subconsciously there at all times, reminding you of the pain, heartache, and even the growth and love you have endured or learned.  The flood gates of grief are not chosen by you...they choose you.

I recalled the weeks after Shane's passing and thought about all the experiences I had with the scriptures, and decided to revisit them tonight.

When Jesus hung from the cross, his grieving and I KNOW, quivering mother, had to feel the deepest grief she would ever know in her life...her child's death.

Jesus looked down upon her and saw a nearby disciple, whom he must have loved and trusted so very deeply, because when Jesus saw him,  there was an exchange of words that only our Savior, who knows the sorrow of a mother's heart when she loses a child, could exclaim.

In short, Jesus tells his disciple to look after her and care for her...she would need to be loved and nurtured, as she had loved and nurtured for so many years.

But if you cross reference mother, you find that the prophecy was foretold that in the piercing of Jesus and His death, that Mary's soul would also be pierced.

It is so understandable and tangible to be physically hurt....but the piercing of the soul takes even the physical breath out of you though your body has not been harmed.  It produces a physical change which didn't leave for months, and even when I would speak of my child's death, the piercing would come in it's form...a very real and painful form, leaving me gasping for air.

I wonder if the Lord, knowing my grief upon losing my son, had looked upon these boys in their tiny states...nearly 2 and 4...and said, "Son(s), behold thy mother" because I know He told me, "Mother, behold thy son(s)".

This is the after math of the boy's photography scout work this past week!  They are genuinely great and wonderful children...and such fast learners!