Oh the forgetfullness of being forgetful!

"Oh the places you'll go", or the places you'll get locked out of, or the things you will lose, and then find, and then lose again....
I really only needed bread tonight...and Lydia insisted at 5:45pm that we head to the store just for bread! Luckily, Dr. Pepper was on sale and I just had to have those yummy bananas because the night which followed would have been so not worth it otherwise:

A BIG thank you to my husband for hearing that I locked myself out of the house tonight and simply was so sad for me and the kids without questioning the dim witt I appear to be most days (yes, I lose keys and garage openers as soon as they are placed in my hand). He was so worried for my emotional frustrations with myself and our literal safety....now that is what protecting a family is about! A HUGE THANK YOU to my sister, Sunny, for taking me and the kids in so cheerfully late at night for so many hours. The kids were bathed, given snacks, watched movies, and played games while I curled on the couch in a freezing foggy fit because I have forgotten to take my medicine all week long!!! And yes, in a 74 degree home, my temp was 96.2 tonight, I'd say I need to figure out this medicine (or root cause) thing before I start dipping into dangerously low temps. And finally, a BIG thank you to my brother in law, Antonio, who, after working his long day, with awful second shift hours as well, went to the hospital to gather a garage opener for me and the kiddos so we could at least sleep in our own home tonight. The kids were in bed by 1am, and I am finally taking a moment to say thank you for the 1oth time tonight. I even lost the garage opener from the time it was handed to me at 12:20 to the time I put my sleeping Maya in the car at 12:25...it took another 10 minutes to locate it; I literally almost began to cry that time around, but you can't really cry when you have a comedian for a brother in law who actually took my "I'm so flipping mad at myself" infliction of anger and turned it around by saying, "Hey, it's just been a really long day!" Feeling so grateful that when all else crumbles, there is always someone near to turn to in an instant for relief. I love my family, and the burden lifting I received as I spoke with my sister who understands every body ache, shiver, fogginess, heart palpitation, dizzy spell, cold intolerance, etc., etc., etc., was exactly what I needed tonight; I cannot be grateful enough to have a sister who suffers all I do in such exact ways I do with this Hashimoto's, though I am so sad she has to experience it as well. There are times I feel the world deems me as psychologically insane, but my physiological symptoms are so real and so very hard to manage. Silver linings are always present, always!

Now, however, I am on night three of late night nausea with vomiting.  I don't know what is wrong, but I do know it is not a stomach bug, and it is very closely related to the slew of symptoms Im battling right now.  I am struggling to get through the nights more than anyhting.  Between the night sweats, the chills, the vomiting, the anxiety....and gosh the list just feels like it goes on...I am struggling so deeply.  Yes, I know it's after 4am, but the nausea finally gave way tonight....again....and I made a rapid trip to lose everything I had eaten today....

Now, how do you still gain weight when you are losing your food every night???

People, take care of your bodies...or they will fight back and force you to find some way to be taken care of in the end.  I know, sometimes all we can do to survive is work our butts off.  I believe The Lord understands that and will eventually, if not in this life time, rewards us for our diligent and courageous fight.

Now before I start to cry, I need to curl up in these warm blankets with a heating pad and doze for a few hours, praying the girls give me a few hours of rest after sunrise!

Simple Pleasures

Such simplicities make these kiddos feel joy!  Maya is huddled in with the boys, and while Lydia tried to do that, she succumbed to the blanket I brought along instead!

Real Life.

Just to be real...

It's no fun feeling fat and ugly.

Too tired to do anything about it. 

Over worked though I can't even wrap my arms around a tenth of the work I should be able to do. 

Inadequate and never, ever, good enough for anybody in life. 

No fun at all. 

Following Patterns of Suffering

Last night was a hard night, no doubt about that.
I'm okay with hard nights.
I have been through the ugliest of them and come out with poofy eyes that still see and an aching heart that still aches.
I am okay with suffering, it is meant to make us more beautiful and understanding.
I am even okay with sleeplessness...though I utterly hate it after working so many night shifts for four years that gave no hope of sleep the following day.

You'd think all of the suffering would get easier once you experience it time and again, but the truth is....it doesn't.  There are still poofy eyes, an aching heart, and sleepless nights when you really do have the opportunity to rest your mind and body.  I believe those things still exist because I can still carry a seed of empathy in my heart time and time again....

Even when I have been written a direct letter stating my trials have been nothing comparatively....that I need to buck up and be a woman, and sadly, through means which should have never occurred, she learned about all of the ugly history regarding our family (yes, the ugly histories that every family has, but nobody talks about....because they are just that HISTORY, and when you take it a step further, they aren't even History when repented of, it's something that can be erased).  Yes, even losing a child was a "get over it" statement in that letter...  I think that hurt worse than everything else because you never get over losing a child.  Vivid tragic memories linger, and the spirit of that tender soul is with you on so many occasions bringing that reminder near and dear, "I am here, but you must wait to receive the joy of my existence."

Last night, I had asked the boys to get ready for bed.  We did our scripture, prayer, and song routine as a family and with the chaos of pack meeting, I herded them into their separate rooms and hugged and kissed them, goodnight.  I was in my room when I heard the boys looking through the kitchen cabinets. I reminded them that it was bedtime, they grabbed a bowl of cereal and left into their bedroom.  No more than 5 minutes later, Connor comes in crying a fit.  I was kinda furious...after all, I did say it was bedtime.  He explained, in minute detail, what happened, and I got flustered stating, "If you would have only listened the first time, none of this would have happened and you could have been asleep by now!"

I followed Connor into the room, I saw the mess that his cereal had made and instantly had a reality check..."Connor is far more important than DS systems and Lego instruction packets."  SO, with that reality check, I expressed the deep thoughts I had.

"Connor, you are amazing.  I simply adore you, and the DS will be fine, the papers will lay beneath the fan tonight and dry just fine, but what is more important here is YOU.  I am sorry I hurt you by putting the papers and the DS above your need to be comforted."

Turns out that he opened up to me and said that the experience reminded him of when his Grandma Fultz was here for Christmas.  He has spilt milk on his DS, and she cleaned it for him, comforting him all the while.  It was a bad experience that brought forth a good memory, which caused more pain....because he misses her so dearly.  You see, this little incident was an opportunity for Connor to see how the Lord will work in patterns with him as he lives his life.

Connor cried some more, actually with the sensitive spirit he has (directly a trait from me and Daddy), he wept.  He had asked me at 9:30 to lay in bed with him and cuddle for a bit since he never has that time with me.  I let him know it was late and he needed to rest at that time.  Now, however, I was given a second chance; I took that chance, and I laid with him for a long while until the tears stopped flowing and the breathing turned into normal slow rhythmic sleep ready sighs.  All was well in the end...because I placed the needs of a hurting soul above my perception of what looked to be the BIG problem.

I ended up tossing and turning all night with nightmares.  I went to bed early only to wake to sleeplessness at 1:30 am...went back to sleep at 3, only to be waken by my screaming daughter at 3:30.  She finally calmed closer to 4:30, only for all of us to be waken by my other screaming daughter at 5:30...both girls were begging for syrup and milk, so by the time syrup and milk came bright and early, I was loathing syrup and milk.

After that long hard night, I woke to a frustrating drama that could have been resolved by the same means I implemented with Connor last night.  Offense was taken over things that were not understood by an individual in our lives and when I attempted to make things right, and explain myself further, things simply remained stagnant.

And....
I'm okay with that.
I am okay with allowing a person to have their free will to accept an explanation or not.
I am okay with everything that I said, because they came from my experiences which only me and God can fully understand...
I am okay being called something I don't believe I am because I am simply not known in the proper light.
I am okay with gaining a terrible reputation amongst so many who should regard me in the kindest light.
Yet, I am only okay with these things because I know who I am and I know who I belong to.
I know that my Savior had to endure greater things than I, and I know, through the spirit of peace, that I have done all I can, in the swiftest manner that I can, to patch misunderstandings, even if it is not reciprocated in the proper manner.

I honestly wish I could say that I want thick skin, but I don't.
I have been through too much which has molded me into someone of understanding people in their grief to want thick skin.  I want to feel the pain of my experiences to learn how to help another when they are feeling that stab, that open wound, and that piercing heart.  I want empathy.  What I could ask someone take from me is my partial dependency on another's opinion of me.  I don't want to be known as a gossiper or anything else I have been called, and I don't want to effect me even for a moment.  It gets easier in time to stand in confidence, but I suppose there is meant to be pain in hearing these things.  Pain can always be of benefit...if we allow it to mold into empathy.

There is one thing amidst it all I wish I could have....loving arms that know 100% of what I am experiencing come to my aide and wrap me so tight that the tears stop falling and the labored breathing becomes effortless.  There is only One who can truly do that, yet I do believe we should act in His name and attempt to minister to people in pain, in that pattern.  That is truly what we have covenanted to do, to take one another's burdens, that they may be light

I pray I move forward with the ability to do that a little better every day.

Clean or Play?

I love a clean house...I've got to admit that!

When things are tidy, I am happy.  

I have had to let the complete control of every room go in the last several years.  At the end of this past school year, I gloried in picking up the entire house and having it clean on most Monday's so that when the boys got home from school, they would be surprised at their clean room.

I will admit, as well, that the boys loved those surprises...they delightfully said thank you, layed on their beds and said, "AHHHHH...this is so nice!"

Since the boys are home 24/7 now, which I LOVE, there is no time for me to secretly go into their rooms and tidy things before they get home.

There are days when I wish it was so.

Today, I had to relax a bit.  By relaxing, I meant, clean!  By clean, I meant take breaks between homeschool, and by take breaks between homeschool, I meant CLEAN!!!!

I extracted the sofas, did all the laundry, mopped the floors, cleaned the dishes, and I even managed to feed the kids.  In the "break" time, as the kids call it, the said "kids" played their hearts away.  Being that every room except theirs and mine (because Steve has to sleep in it all day!) was beautifully cleaned, I offered them 4 chore bead for a clean room by the end of the night!  They were thrilled...then they started playing again, and soon enough...I was being bargained with!

Long story short...they won, and I delightfully stepped away as they played to their heart content.

I remember my room looking like this as a child. I remember wanting to cry when it was "cleaning" time because I had no idea how to organize everything how my mind wanted it to be!  I see that in my children...but I see a greater capacity as well!

 Believe it or not, children are sleeping in those beds!  

I am grateful the room looks like this tonight.....

......precisely because it meant that they did a whole lot of THIS today!

I cannot explain the power of play and imagination for children.  Since pulling the boys out of school, these kids have blossomed into social butterflies, tighter best friends, and so much more expresive and unique individuals!  I am pleased with the Lord's guidance for his babes....and my babes too!

Life's Greatest Blessings

This is me and my sweetheart...

No, I am not smiling...

And yes, he is trying hard to make me smile.

On this particular day, I was 30 minutes shy of snatching an opportunity to go out with my Mom and sisters to a musical.  Being a mom of four children, homeschooling them, looking for a job, feeling overwhelmed and undernourished...I needed this time.

My husband was sad for me....but insisted that I go alone to the temple to be near God instead...to cheer my soul.

It worked!

I already look back at this photo and think, "Baby girl, just smile...when you look back, you will see that it's all okay.  All is well."

I have so much to smile about.

This was a mixture of art and science for us in school....

Art properties and the story of the creation to start off our home school endeavors with God's blessings.  Every day is focused on God with us....every single day!

On this day, I layed with my baby girl in bed, watching Dora while she found a new love for cottage cheese.  She dipped her fingers into it at one time.  When she heard the worry in my voice over cottage cheese all over her and the bed, she immediately said, with great cheer, "Oh sorry Mommy!  I'll go get a spoon!"  This angel can hold her own emotionally...she is a tough little one!

This si her learning to use her cutting skills on items that I go, "Phew" with when i find them!  Thanking God it wasn't my quilts or her clothes....though it was once her big sisters hair!

I find strength in this little dude.  He lives to bring smiles upon faces.  He lives to sing, dance, move and create!  This was his focus activity while watching General Conference...the focusing lasted a good.....10 minutes!

With all of the heartache life has hand delivered at our door, I have asked The Lord in turn to allow me to have joy in my posterity.  I have been blessed with amazing children.  My perfect son was taken so soon but gives me hope and literal assistance as my guardian angel; those who've lost children can probably understand the deep reality of that statement.  My two older sons are simply a delight; I sat with them today and learned in our studies.  I spoke in a funny catching accent for the entire science lesson.  At one point I diverted into our fitness plans as a family.  I said, "You boys are getting big and gorgeous, and I just wanna be your little Mommy that you love and adore!"  Connor looked at me with such affection and said, "Mommy , you're already really tiny!"  Tonight, we measured our feet....his toes officially curl around my feet; at ten, he will glory in outgrowing me, but still beg to sit upon my lap so I can cuddle him!  I pray this never changes!  Not too long ago, my Angel Aiden begged me to go on the beaten weed infested dirt to gather flowers for me!  He is truly an angel!  As soon as I say, "My boys make me whole," I have little girls stealing my heart with every word of empathy, wisdom, and love they exemplify.  Lydia understands like a mother already.  Her ability to look at a character in a book and say, "she's really lonely huh?" or "he must feel sad," is truly a gift from God.  And then I have Maya, my little Angel.  She is perfect in every way.  I have been blessed with what matters most, children who love and adore me.  I can understand and relate to them on every level.  When I see them cry, I can't get frustrated and angry, for the most part; I honestly start to feel the sorrow that brings tears upon their cheeks, and all I desire to do is take the pain away.  To be a mother can literally make up for every loss and heartache life brings!

Not long ago, Lydia told me, ": Mom I want to be closer to Heaven!"  Of course, my reply was, "Me too sweetie!"  She then followed it through with, "Mom, I want to go to the temple so I can be closer to Heaven!"  I was speechless, a myriad of emotions swept through me.  From her symbolic place in our family, following her brother's death, to her sacred birth in Daddy's arms far from any medical care, and into her deep innate desire to speak of Heaven, the temple, and Shane unceasingly....I was left with feelings words cannot express.  Her brother chimed in, "Lydia, by choosing good things and making right choices, you are already closer to Heaven!" Again, words did not come, for I was taught from the mouth of babes all I needed to know!

Amusement Parks!

My thirty third Birthday....in pictures!

We took the kiddos to Cliff's!  ALL I wanted was fun for the babes...and I got it!

I actually had quite some fun as well!

Thank you to my sweet husband who works so hard so that we can have an occassional outing!  It's been a hard year...hoping for good and peaceful times ahead!

My Boys...My Cubs!

It is a great thing to find activities for the cubs that allow them to just SMILE, LAUGH, RUN, and PLAY!  I am of the mind that you can throw in the many aspects of becoming leaders, learning in time to become physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight, with fun and exciting activities.  There is definitely time to reflect and quietly ponder upon truths, but if you catch a boy in his youth with love and lots of PLAY (because believe me, that's what is truly important to these kiddos in the end anyhow) you have a shot at keeping them on a path of progression and happiness.

From pack meeting to den meetings, there have been creative juices over flowing!  I am so grateful to work with some brilliant minds...and when all of our minds come together, it creates so much fun and energy! 

 The WEBELOS have been busy with their craftsman goals.  I am incredibly impressed with how innate this calling is to the WEBELOS den leader, Ben Sego.  They are always using their hands to create something valuable or fun!  I loved watching Connor meticulously sand and spray his shelf; it reinforced the knowledge I have of him from the first few years of his life to now.  Connor is attentive to detail, strives for perfection, and wants to do it at his own slow and and peaceful pace; Connor is a son of God who thrives off of order and plans, what a great way to lead out in a family!

 I took my scouts on a hike this past week.  We practiced a few knot tying skills, talked about first aide and then began our hike.  It was 1.5 hours rounds trip, and even the babes (Lydia and Maya) made it with red beautiful faces and wobbly legs...oops, sorry...that was my face and those were my legs!  I have one cub scout who loves to take in the beauty of his journey.  I made them buddy up as is required for safety, and Aiden exercised so much patience in allowing his buddy to sit and draw or write about where we were on our trek...he let his mother know that if we got lost it would be a document of our journey for all to know.  I found such a deep admiration for him, to feel the courage to just be himself and create a fun experience for himself above and beyond a simple hike, and I felt a great honor in my son; Aiden is a mover, but instead of complaining when his buddy wanted to sit still, he walked circles around him....over and over again!  These boys are so darn cute!

 Of course when we got home, the girls were ready to be bathed and have beautiful hair!  I spent way too long making them look just darling!  It was worth it though...their smiles were priceless!