Pioneers, we be!!!

On July 24th, we celebrate Pioneer Day, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I remember being so confused when I first joined the church, it felt like a Mormon Independence Day.  It quickly became clear to me, not through study, but by listening and sensing, that this was the day that the pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley.

It wasn't only the arrival that explains Pioneer Day...rather, it is not the arrival; it is the journey.  They traveled across the nation--women, children, and men.  They suffered hunger, thirst, and had to bury their loved ones--children, wives, husbands, grandparents; sometimes they were unable to even bury a body and just pioneered on, I can't imagine the gut wrenching sorrow.  They sacrificed their lives for their faith.  They weren't the only ones to sacrifice their lives.  

There was a certain experience that touches me still to this day...and it is the story of three young men who heard that saints were coming in extremely terrible and torturous conditions.  Some never made it because they were frozen to death, or died of hunger.  These three young men, waded in freezing water to rescue saints who were struggling to make their way to Martin's Cove, a place along their journey to Salt Lake.  They went and did what their hearts told them what was right.  They saved many, and in saving many, they sacrificed their own lives.  These three young men died of effects related to their heroic and certainly unselfish acts of love for their fellow saints.  In a 1992 Conference address, President Faust quoted the prophet at the time of this event, Brigham Young, to saying, as he bowed his head and wept, "That act alone will ensure C. Allen Huntington, George W. Grant and David P. Kimball an everlasting salvation in the Celestial Kingdom of God, worlds without end."

That brings me to tears...it always has, and it always will.

When you are a pioneer...you are tried.  It is true, it always will be, and I say that knowing that we all are pioneers of our own faith at all times in our lives because we all have to find faith in Jesus Christ for ourselves--it cannot be borrowed, sold, or taken.  I have found that my journey has a pioneer has been filled with hardship that increases in intensity with each passing year despite our efforts to change things and progress, and as I spoke with my sister today...whose journey has been hard as well, she pointed out so many truths to me.  Satan attacks so hard because I am the first, and as she said, "There are symbols in patterns in all things...the first being , the Son."  Not only was I the first born into our family, but the first born into the church.  I felt alive and full of life when the waters of baptism fell over me.  I felt a burning of the Spirit more often than not. It lasted for years...literal years!

And then life set in.

 Yet, of all of my losses, I am finding reason to rejoice.  I am seeing that my "curses", per say are guaranteed to mold me if I don't use them to turn away from God.  In The Book of Mormon, Enos communes with God over many desires of his heart, of which he is granted because of his faith.  One thing God tells him is that he has not cursed the world for iniquity.

Adam and Eve had to come to a cursed land where they worked by the sweat of their brow for all things, but they had to have a "cursed" land if they were ever to know and understand the attributes of godliness. Ultimately, I can cry, I can even scream, and I can turn an ear to the mouth which claims, "You have brought this on yourself" because surely, I know better.  I can still love and be loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Savior in my darkest moments because I KNOW why my "curses", or heartaches and trials, have come upon me--sometimes it takes some reminding, sometimes it is innately there. They are only there to make me better...in every way!!! 

I love what President Faust continues to say:

"I cannot help wondering why these intrepid pioneers had to pay for their faith with such a terrible price in agony and suffering.  Why were no the elements tempered to spare them from their profound agony?  I believe their lives were consecrated to a higher purpose through their suffering.  Their love for the Savior was burned deep in their souls, and into the souls of their children, and their children's children.  The motivation in their lives came from a true conversion in the center of their souls.  As President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "When there are throbs in the heart of an individual Latter-day Saints great and vital testimony of the truth of this work, he will be found doing his duty in the Church."

There is a hefty price to pay if we are ever to know God, but I would rather suffer my entire life to know Him and abide with him over living in comfort and ease to find that He is nowhere to be seen.  I have felt the spirit of peace come over me and whisper to me in the still of the night, I have seen many things which testify to me that He LOVES me beyond what I can even imagine, He loves me enough to show me my worth.

Here are a few pics from the day:

Daddy had just finished his 4th night shift of the week.  Ugh!!!

Maya was hesitant, as I would expect!

And on the way home from the magic show, our vehicle stalled in the beginning of a flash flood.  Steve had to push it into a parking space and we hitched a ride from a gracious and wonderful friend; we sat 10 in a 5 passenger car!

We still managed to laugh the entire way home!!!

Night Routines!

I've been working on Aiden's baptism quilt for far too long, but what I thought would be a faster stitch has turned into a longer one!  Yet, I find myself saying, "just hold these clothes one more time because after that they are his!"  Still, he's been questioning, so I prayed this morning to have the desires and abilities to focus on projects for my children!  Indeed, I've been working all day...and playing too!  Dinner and milk, which we had just ran out of, showed up at our front door as well, giving me a completely guilt free day!

The boys have come of age...and Harry Potter is a favorite to them. They know that their sisters are NOT allowed to watch them, so they came up with a plan--they would put the girls to bed!  I laughed as they walked away from a darkened room with a door they had just quietly closed!

They proclaimed "this is the funnest chore ever!"

I asked, "has Liddy gone potty, Maya's diaper been changed?  What about teeth, PJ's, stories, songs, and prayers?"

They were silent. 

I proceeded, "not as fun as you thought?"

Connor honestly stated, "well, a little I guess!"

The girls were up 30 seconds later asking to go to the park--you see, even though a full routine was done, they thought they were playing house!  Maya probably thought she found her "boy" (aka--future husband) as she has been asking about where he is for a week now!

Two Years: Carli Barlow

As a mother, I have thought of the preparation I daily put into my boys and the times when I will send them off on missions.  I pray they choose that as the hard years of their lives approach.  They are genuinely bright and beautiful in so many ways.  I have a third son who serves his mission already.  He was called home to His Father, and mine, on March 31, 2007 to serve endlessly for the Lord. Not two, but an unknown number of years await our reunion.  Still....I cannot fathom the tears I will shed in happiness and deep longing for my boys who NOW adore me!!!  Their hugs cinch the breath out of me, and they refuse to let go, night after night, after night.  They turn a cheek for a kiss and them ask for one in return....and as I leave through their door with "goodnights and I love yous" they beg for more hugs...literally...and nightly.  I adore my boys.  I have girls who are already talking about missions as well...it is amazing the desire they innately have to share their happiness with the world!  And so do I!!!

Beholding a grieving mother

These boys are such blessings in my life.  Yes, I know they cause havoc and give me gray hairs "hidden" (I think!), but they are such blessings.

We literally cannot get through a scripture study session without having Aiden bang his feet against the wall, jump as he stares out the window and then end by praying with his monkey as the puppet for Aiden...a changed voice and all. 

But I know the Lord gave me them for a reason.

I stood at the window today and decided to fix up a small portion of last nights solo dinner (really am detesting Steve's night shifts), and after I did, I took a small bite, then glanced up at the clock, which ticked ever so slow today.

It was 3:07, and in an instant I went from getting through the day, to suffocating.  My heart sunk, the air was taken from my lungs as I gasped for breaths between tears.  I was happy to have the children all off playing in their own areas because I am not a fan of them seeing a grieving mother, as much as they have had to.

It is strange how the numbers on a clock can take you back to an instant memory, today they did just that...deeper than they ever have before.

Today, I was taken back to the tears and gasps for air that I bartered the Lord for in that very moment; in that moment when I gave the Lord my life, and if He asked...death...so that I could have a child, which came at 3:07 and was laid delicately upon me.  The gasps and cries in that moment were for joy...the gasps I took this afternoon were in remembrance of joy and pain.

When you lose a child, you never know when grief will strike you again....it is subconsciously there at all times, reminding you of the pain, heartache, and even the growth and love you have endured or learned.  The flood gates of grief are not chosen by you...they choose you.

I recalled the weeks after Shane's passing and thought about all the experiences I had with the scriptures, and decided to revisit them tonight.

When Jesus hung from the cross, his grieving and I KNOW, quivering mother, had to feel the deepest grief she would ever know in her life...her child's death.

Jesus looked down upon her and saw a nearby disciple, whom he must have loved and trusted so very deeply, because when Jesus saw him,  there was an exchange of words that only our Savior, who knows the sorrow of a mother's heart when she loses a child, could exclaim.

In short, Jesus tells his disciple to look after her and care for her...she would need to be loved and nurtured, as she had loved and nurtured for so many years.

But if you cross reference mother, you find that the prophecy was foretold that in the piercing of Jesus and His death, that Mary's soul would also be pierced.

It is so understandable and tangible to be physically hurt....but the piercing of the soul takes even the physical breath out of you though your body has not been harmed.  It produces a physical change which didn't leave for months, and even when I would speak of my child's death, the piercing would come in it's form...a very real and painful form, leaving me gasping for air.

I wonder if the Lord, knowing my grief upon losing my son, had looked upon these boys in their tiny states...nearly 2 and 4...and said, "Son(s), behold thy mother" because I know He told me, "Mother, behold thy son(s)".

This is the after math of the boy's photography scout work this past week!  They are genuinely great and wonderful children...and such fast learners!

Simple Sweets

I am one lucky Mama...

Tonight, as a rewrds for her, she was allowed to stay the night in my bed.  

Not only did she sleep here but she ate a few snacks, watched cartoons with me, and even played the ukulele and sang.  She personally found a recording deivce and recorder herself!

And this little gal exclaimed at bedtime, "Oh No!  Where are they?"  

"They" were apparently two cookies she decided to stash under her pillow tonight.  She does stash food, mind you!  Under her bed, in her purse, and even in her drawers on occasion.  I adore this little gal!!!

Sadness, Sorrows, and Sacrifices...

I think the word, the unexplainable question "why?", is a statement that sometimes needs to be avoided. 

Because no matter how deep you search into the mind's turns, folds, and hidden places, the question cannot be answered by you, only by God. 

The solution would be to ask God...it's rather easy, but the fear is in the answer that will come, or even no answer at all. 

All in all, when the day is done, the choice to frown through moments when everyone is smiling has passed...the only person to really blame over the tears and frustrations is yourself. 

In the end, it doesn't matter what you had to endure...it only matters how you react, and right now my reactions are not up to my expectations (which are type A personality high). 

It's hard, almost heart wrenching to remember the days when you gracefully walked through life and it's obstacles...and then that critical moment when your reactions changed suddenly; then you realize, "I don't measure up, I ONCE was so good and full of life!"  Part of that occurred on March 31st 2007, and then pieces of grace have been taken year by year.  I'm seeking them back to complete the "me" I once loved and felt complete with God amongst, but they seem to be taken over and over instead of given back. 

Even through I said things through the day, that I am ashamed of, I wasn't the graceful Mommy I am capable of, I was shocked to have a witness of The Lord with me still. 

As we walked out of Target today, Lydia screamed in sadness over her new sunglasses being gone from get shirt collar. I was angry, hurt, and so sad for her all at once because every penny in our family matters....especially when it comes to our babes. I immediately took her into the store and retraced our footsteps quickly. 1/3 of the way through, Lydia said, "Mommy, why can't we just go home and buy more?"  I told her that wasn't an option as we browsed the shoe section. 

(Where I had placed clearance teal heels in the cart for me and then took them out right before checking out. Any mother familiar with that? The need to sacrifice even a cheap object for a bigger cause, your children?  I was actually sad...sounds ridiculous, but I was. Being a shoe finatic, I stopped getting anything for myself when I stopped working and put on weight. These were the cutest shoes of my dreams, teal suede heels, perfect. 7.5 fit, the only pair there... But as I added items up, I realized I needed to ditch my treasure :-( )  

She then said, "Well, I can just use the old ones!"  I was not going to let down, so we walked to our half way point and a little gut feeling said STOP as we approached the furniture. I recall watching Lydia jump into each chair expressing how cozy each one was, and as I glanced the surfaces, floors, and seams, they were no where. I had the distinct feeling to stay there...and I did. I walked down the isle where I was admiring the teal and red cabinets...and behold? I glanced to a chair she hadn't even sat in, and they were there. I was so happy for her. 

I know how it feels to lose something so new to you that you carry around day and night. They were sunglasses for her, far from the child for me...but I was so grateful to bring them back to her. 

Learning, Applying, and Loving Still

Most days lately...I can hardly roll outta bed...a sign to me that another doctor's visit needs to be made.  Yes, I am a Mom, and I have attributed my utter fatigue to motherhood and nursing...a child (or 5) and a career (lol)... for years.

I've been learning a lot lately however...in my spare time; I do a lot of research into what has caused this massive breakdown of my body.

Coming form a nursing standpoint where I can literally see the body's cellular processes taking place in my minds eye because I have studied it and clinically aided in treating it time and again; it's harder to put into layman's terms what I am trying to teach.  But here it is, the classic common negative feedback cycle our body thrives on to create balance, or homeostasis.

The easiest example to me is diabetes...and no, that is not the disease I personally have, but let's put it this way.

The pancreas produces an amazing HORMONE called insulin.  If your blood sugar gets too high, the pancreas releases insulin that tells your body, "HEY...there is TOO MUCH SUGAR in the blood because we like to have a BALANCE of sugar at all times for optimal functioning!!!"  In turn, the sugar (glucose) is converted to glycogen, by the liver...it is therefore stored for times when the blood sugar falls too low.

In reverse, when the blood sugar is too low, the pancreas releases a HORMONE called glucagon.  This hormone tells the liver to take that glycogen (or stored glucose) and break it down into sugar (or glucose) to be placed in the blood for BALANCE!!!

Now...when this cycle is hyper-stimulated over and over again...by

eating large meals

drinking lots of sugar

never burning off excess calories,

the poor pancreas gets tired.  As the pancreas fatigues, the HORMONES responsible for maintaining a BALANCE become imbalanced.  This is what leads to Type 2 diabetes.

NOTE: Type 1 diabetes is completely related to the body's innate INABILITY to even produce insulin...totally different story.

So...how does that relate to me?

I have hypothyroidism, which means that the HORMONE I don't have enough of in my body is T3 and T4...the thyroid hormones.  A cycle similar to that above has occurred over the years, causing a fatigue to occur on my thyroid gland, and possible pituitary gland as well.  Yet, there are more complicated processes which have occurred that I will go into at a later date...the thyroid gland is a very interesting study topic.  It really is not black and white.

But...hear this...

In my latest research, I have learned so much about the critical HORMONES of the ADRENAL GLANDS.

Who has not heard of CORTISOL???  

Yep, it is the hormone that is produced with stress!

Imbalances, like that above, and the inability of the body to release proper amounts of cortisol and the sex hormones which causes (in balanced states) regular cycles...and with us women...regular moods, will eventually have a negative effect on out body.  The adrenals do other things as well, but let's not get into that.

Here is the list of things which can cause that malfunctioning of the poor adrenal glands and the HORMONES associated with it:

lack of sleep (night shift nurse with little day sleep cause I'm a Mommy and a Wife to a husband who was working days)

overloaded schedules (raising and having lots of babes with a husband that went to nursing school and worked with me simultaneously)

extended periods of stress (ummmm...can we say our entire life???)

naturally prone anxiety sufferers (ME!)

As I studied things out, I saw that not only is my inability to get out of bed in the morning related to my thyroid...but a domino effect has occurred (which is so very common is disease processes...sick people usually get sick in every body system over time if left uncorrected.)  My inability to lose a single pound, the menopausal symptoms (at 32), the swollen fingers every morning after sleeping which should draw all that extra fluid into your bladder so you can get rid of it at night/morning time (it's just easier for the body to work with gravity and not against it, so sleeping is so very important for the purpose of taking fluid load off of your poor heart as well!)

My next step...

an endocrinologist.

An endocrinologist is an expert in hormones!!!

This last week has been so hard for me.

As a type A personality, I feel worthless.

I get the dishes done, a good hot meal is served at least 3 times a week, but I literally roll out of bed after pleading with my girls to get a baggy of cereal and cuddle with me, I give up at 7-8am (which is really late in this house.).  I do feed them and dress them...I even comb their hair.

Most days I unintentionally fall asleep on the couch again though...and today I was up trying to concentrate on more researching material and watching educational TV (Dr.Oz!!!).  Before I knew it, I was sleeping..straight up in a seated position.  I finally realized I was having a severe allergy attack and ran for my medicine...any minute I spend in these moments is gut wrenching for me.  The achiness, cold like symptoms, anxiety, and malaise is almost unbearable when you need to raise 4 children in kindness.   Still, head up, I fell asleep around 10am and woke up...straight up...at 12:30, lunch time.  I wanted to cry.  I can't live like this anymore...but my body is holding back my spirits desires...hence, I am desperate for western medicine and the good old natural medicine I am researching as well to HELP ME!!!

On good days, I get the kids out late morning for a walk...sometimes a jog, and the boys are always on their bikes!

Today, I found this note in my phone which I had written:

 10/19/2011 "While running today, my Nike app paused at one point.  When I went to reset it...in the very moment it decided to be finicky, the clock read 3:07 (my deceased child's time of birth).  I was approaching the only hill I would have to climb in this run while pushing my two girls in the jogger.  I pushed the girls up the hill as I told myself, '3:07' over and over as I utilized my theme of 'you never stop on a hill'.  Suddenly, in my mind, I heard, 'Mom, just keep going!'  My spirit whispered, 'I know son, I will.'  I made it to the top and was about to stop for a break, but in my stubbornness I kept going.  Anyone who knows me would know that once I make it to the top of a hill, I won't stop, and I didn't."

It had rained a lot the night before and the girls were head over heels about jumping in our tiny puddles.  Even the boys tried so hard to find out who could make the biggest bike splash. 

Stopping is always welcome for me these days, as my old running days of 8:30 miles and long runs, even 12 miles up and down hills with the jogger, appear to be gone. I pray I can regain my energy again soon...to be the fun Mom I KNOW is inside, dying to come out.  She has lived many times before, but right now she is dormant.

So, tonight, the crankiness from all these crazy imbalances, and my inability to cope properly over it, led me to shout all the kids into their rooms.  Yes, I read the girls stories, and we said prayers, but their screaming in humor before hand caused too much testosterone, (haha...I would call that an imbalance of my adrenal gland as well...if you're still following) to take over.  The "Get in bed before you get a whopping!" came out...sure enough the girls went to bed quickly.

The boys...

well, their natural rising in testosterone caused them to start a fighting match in the bathroom.  One child ended up in the corner of this tiny bathroom bawling his eyes out in pain while the other child brushed his teeth so calmly.  I meant business with them too and let them know that, "Time's up...I've had enough!" and they each got an unexpected small whopping on their bottoms.  

Do I believe in spanking?  

On occasion...with my children's behaviors it doesn't happen regularly...maybe once or twice a year.  They are naturally good at the counting system...even if there are grunts and moans attached! 

They got into bed, I explained the events of the day and how uncontrolled anger and behaviors can escalate until someone really will get VERY hurt someday.  AND...by heck, why would I wanna keep you all home 24/7 for homeschooling...get your acts together so we can survive home this year!  They REALLY want to do homeschooling bad, so it will be a motivating factor for them!

As I was walking out, my racing heart was saying close the door.

Yet, my swelling eyes released the gates, slowly...

I opened the door just ever so slightly and said, "I love you so much!"

Both boys, with solemn faces turning to joy, jumped outta bed as fast as they could and raced towards me for their good night hug, squeeze, or death grip...they all accurately describe the event!

 Thirty minutes later, my sweet boys gently opened the bedroom door as I was about to start journaling our crazy life, and showed me their creation.  It says LEGO up top and the face is very much happy...which brings me joy, because discipline and love should coexist!

He then signed it at the bottom "CF"; he has witnessed my signature patched on my quilts, and I think he is gaining an appreciation for claiming the work of his hands!

There is One who claims all of us, and by the grace of God, His Hand touches our lives so very often....

....but can we see it?

Tonight, I saw it amongst the northern wall of our home.

The sun was casting orange hues onto the wall in it's most beautiful form I have seen in this home through the 2 years we have lived here.  I can say now....

as I have said before...

dusk is a time of day in which I feel God's love so deeply.  If I could have a wish, it would be that dusk could last three times as long every night!  I love nature's beauty.

Dusk...in it's defined terms...focuses on the darkness overtaking the light.  I view it as the beautiful light slipping away for a small season...to a place we cannot see in our own little homes, amongst our tiny pleasant towns, and the mass of people we reside beside, around, and about.

Tonight I wonder if the dusk of like happens over and over at times...

health being taken for a season, 

children causing grief for a few years,

children being taken for a lifetime,

loved ones instilling sorrow, however unintended,

...now add all you can, and cannot speak to the list...

The final dusk will be ever so much more enjoyable I believe...for the person who's dusk approaches.  It will be the light of a beautiful person slipping into a place, which those left behind cannot see.

Firsts of Sorts

Sweet son-- 

You remind me that The Lord always gives us glimpses of His love for us if we will just look and see. In something as simple as losing your teeth, "the numbers theory of love" (I know it sounds crazy, but it's a thing me and Father have going!) still shows forth. My FIRST baby, my FIRST and only baby to cut baby teeth at such a young age, lost his FIRST tooth the FIRST day of Kindergarten and lost his last baby tooth only ONE week after you finished your FIRST decade of life. 

Sweet beautiful Connor, some may call me crazy...I prefer to see the small gifts of an all knowing Father in Heaven who understands the intricacies of my mind and heart; He knew I'd make these small connections and give Him the glory of being amazing enough to have me, your mother, see them for you, my son!  

In my books you are destined for greatness Connor Dude--if I could call the shots you would be FIRST in line for royalty in our Father's eternal kingdoms!  I love you sweetheart!

Mommy

Connor at 10

Beautiful Connor--

Can it really be true?  You have lived a decade of your life upon this land?

You, my first born...my "much wanted" little guy...are becoming more handsome and taller every single day!

Daddy showed some co workers images of you at work, and yes...honey, they think you are gorgeous!Your precious grins aren't huge smiles that stop traffic, but they are reflective images of the reflective mind you innately have been given.

You have become aware of people and their ability to make a joke with you in this last year...years prior you would stand straight faced, making it an awkward silence amongst all of us.  Just this past week, you were approached at church by a gentleman who was being funny with us, and you sat silently, but grinned so politely.

I love that about you Connor.  In public, you are so good at politely engaging in fun conversations.  Yes, at home, you, Daddy and Aiden go to town and make the faces, impersonate the voices, and do what boys do, but you are so very polite and reserved publicly.

My fireworks started in the night of July 3, 2003...I tossed in intense contractions all night long.   

Thinking it was impossible to go into labor on your due date with your first child, I sent my husband away to work and layed on the little blue couch in the little basement apartment and started timing the contractions.  Surely, they were increasing intensity and getting closer together.  So, like any first mother, I allowed my husband to work his entire day!  It was only until around 1pm, as I recall.  I went up stairs and rocked in his Dad's recliner, hiding my pain from any passer by (AKA-Mom).  When he walked in, dirty from the side jobs he had been doing, I made eye contact with him and we spoke without words.  I followed him downstairs and let him know that my eyes were telling the truth, I was gonna' have a baby.

Steve showered, and we went for a long hot walk together to get things moving.  Being that we intentionally ignored the family to take a walk on an above 100 degree day on the fourth of July, I pretty much would assume they knew something was happening!  Steve was such a gentleman and began to jog with me here and there...mind you, he hates to run with a passion. 

I remember getting home and feeling that we needed to call the doctor since the contractions were only 3 minutes apart and reaching the "I need to stop and brace myself while breathing slowly in and out" just to get through a single contraction.  We arrived at the hospital at 5pm, was checked and was 0.5cm.  Technically, they should have sent me home, but the monitors showed active labor, and they simply hooked me to fluids and said "walk around"!  I walked...and walked...and walked.  The contractions became unbearable, and I recall the first time in which I broke into a puddle of tears.  I was wearing a hideous gown...on in front and another in back to cover me as a robe.  Steve was walking ahead of me down a hallway and as I had a contraction, I stopped while he slowly inched forward.  I gave him no warning it was coming, bit it did...and he came instinctively to comfort me.  He took my arms with his two hands and said, "Breath in and out with me..."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that his breath was making things harder, and all I could do was back away and slam my forearms against the hospital wall in pain.  He walked away...hurt that I blocked him out at such a critical time, and I gushed tears, felling alone in my severe pain. 

I got to the room and was a whopping 1 cm...she said she could stretch me to a 1.5, and then the tears wouldn't stop.  They offered some kinda drugs...I denied them thinking I had a long way to go, I'll need them later.

Later turned into screaming for hours on end, crying until my eyes were almost swollen shut, weeping as the 12 o clock hour passed, and then praying every time the nurse checked me something would change.  She finally checked me at 4am, and stretched me to a 3cm dilation.  It was against their policy to have me there that long in such a long first stage of labor, but by their devices which monitored me and the baby, and my screaming and crying, they weren't sending me home.  I received an epidural and thanked everyone in the room 5 minutes after the epidural was set in place and infusing.  I remember being so fatigued but feeling the pressure of the contractions...dozing off a few times, and then at 0800 the doctor came to check me.  I was 10cm.  As the nurse said, my body was so tense and needed help to relax, that's all I needed to dilate.  Of course, with the epidural, I received pitocin. 

After 30 minutes of pushing, my first born boy was born at 8:34 am, weighing 7 pound 11 ounces and measuring 20 1/2 inches.

That was the beginning of Crystal...Daughter...Wife...Mother...Sister...and Friend,

for it is by the lessons I have learned as a mother that I have become a better Woman to my God, Child, Helpmate, Beautiful Sisters, Mommy, and Support.

Connor you took lots of life outta me that day, and almost lost me.

I started bleeding out and it was caught by a nurse during a normal vital signs check.  I was so tired, I felt it was from a longer than 24 hour labor, but she checked my blood pressure as I was laying down on my back.  It was 70/40 something.  She had asked about the bleeding and I had recalled with Steve that there was a big clot passed.  I stayed cozy, falling into a sleep, and she told me to turn to my left side.  I did, and there were no changes...that's when I knew something was wrong because she became frantic.

She grabbed me and said, "Sit up", but my natural body wanted to resist because I was so comfortable, just drifting off.  She took my pressure and still no change so she started to push on my tummy as hard as she could while she called another nurse to pump more pitocin into my  IV fluids.

If that's what death is when you are bleeding out, it was so peaceful, a natural sweet sleep you enter into.  BUT...God saved me that day for Daddy, You, Aiden. Shane, Lydia, Maya and others who may need me...and whom I may so desperately need.

At ten, you are brilliant Connor:

Your math skills are phenomenal.  If there are 30 minutes until games end at 7pm, you correct me to each minute, "No Mom, that would be 27 minutes!"  We asked you today to add 2/8 plus 1/4..."Oh that's easy, it's 1/2". Your mind is capable of using information and compounding it so that verbalizing things is one simple step...I am quite opposite!  You must get some of that from your Daddy!  You are even, as you enter 5th grade, at a 9th grade math level!

Your reading is brilliant as well.  While you enjoy alone reading time, you prefer when we all read novels together as a family.  You love to take things in, draw conclusions regarding the endings of stories, draw associations...and there are times you leave me, Daddy, and Aiden in the dust with your insight to the picture that is playing out before your very eyes...or in your mind.

You adore being a scout and earning awards.  We were swimming, and being that you have only taken a few swimming lessons a good 6 years ago, you know basics.  You had to jump in, do a forward dive, swim back and forth across the pool with the strokes of your choice, tread water for 30 seconds. save a life, and teach many things on top of it all.  You did it all...and even when you swallowed mouths full of water, and I saw tears swell in your eyes, I could almost hear yourself saying, "I will do this and get my awards.  I will do this!"  You did.  You have the drive to be perfect in all things.

You LOVE Lego's and have decided in this year that you would love to become an engineer in order to create new sets for children when you grow up.

My cat...Tigger...has become yours.  When you left for school I would find him curled on your bed, and as I walked the house tonight when each child was in bed, Tigger wandered confused.  I asked hm to follow me, which he did; I opened the door and my wide awake little Connor couldn't sleep.  Luckily Tigger was lonely and he made his place at your head...and you both dozed off together.

You are happy being you...and you really don't seem to follow trends or allow other people's groups effect who you are!  I was told that you are one of the most behaved children by your primary teachers this year...and that you are so smart.  You are my dear, you always have been.

You are only inches from my height, we wear the same show size, our hands are just about the same size, and your hugs have almost cracked my back.

Please Connor, stay beautiful...you are endowed with inner and outer beauty...and I say that in the manner that Joseph Smith said about a man who hold the priesthood righteously, and in your case...a young boy who lives in dignity and truth. 

I had to snap a few pictures of my Aiden who was just baptized!  What a sweet and tender boy he is...what a fun and crazy boy he is too! 

 Connor can always place a serious face on, an Aiden will 9 times outta 10 turn a serious photo into something fun and laughable.

 P.S. Just one week after Connor's Birthday, he lost his last baby tooth, 7/12/13....

The tooth fairy came tonight, I heard her footsteps, and I almost thought I heard a sniffle with a tear that dropped to the tile floor.

Continue to lead our beautiful boy!

Time For a Check Up...to See How Much You've Grown!!!

Maya and Aiden had their well visits this week.  It is easy to bump two children into one appointment with back to back Birthday months.  If I was allowed, I would drag three children in together...May, June and July!!!

Miss Maya has grow significantly, and for the first time I am wondering if both of my girls will be out growing me.  She was in the 75th percentile for both weight and height.

I am totally honest on the forms.  If they watch 3 hours of TV a day,I will say it.  If they hate veggies, I will say it.

I never thought the docs actually read those things,

but she does!

At the end of the appointment, she asked if we had any more questions or concerns about Maya.  I told her that no, I do not.  I let her know that as I circled all of the characteristics that describe Maya, I also wrote in (and she said this simultaneously with me) "PERFECT!"  She laughed and said that she thought it was adorable, but it is so very true.  Maya is such a gift to our entire family! 

Daddy was off and able to join the crew for the appointments, which I am always grateful for.  Life simply feels so much more complete with him close on our daily outings.  I dunno, maybe I'm becoming a wimp sometimes...or the positive perspective is that maybe I am becoming more  cohesive in these bonds which we all share.  Yes, I take these kids places alone all the time, but who wouldn't LOVE when Daddy is home giving a helping hand, making the music a little louder, and even saying, "Today, it's our music!"

Aiden has grown so much since his last appointment as well.  He is averaging the 50th percentile for both weight and height.  In his notes, the Doctor noted that I described him as "FUN and a bit temperamental".  Oh my, these boys are growing up and I am seeing the testosterone peek it's face into the Fultz home!  I know little about testosterone except through my husband, but in a house of all girls minus our Dad as I grew up, oh help me Lord! 

Perfect vision...and perfect hearing!  You go my Aiden "Obii". or "Hi-Def"!

Maya's experiences with doctors in an uncomfortable fear provoking scene was her life since she was 7 months old.  I can't imagine having to be cathed as many times as she was in the process of her tiny life.  Her tears fell...but once the doctor came in, she was so calm and welcoming to the best doctor we have had.  She meets our standard, and that "standard" wold be Dr. Brogan and Miss Gail's office in Collegeville PA.

She still like me to call her my baby! 

My dearest children...3 and 8 are too close to 20 and 30 something, I just pray daily that I am doing the best I can to show you my true motherly love and devotion to.

We may never have a fancy large home, hip clothes, and sports and extracurricular lessons that I can take you to in allowing your growth to flourish...BUT,

 I will always tell you what I adore about you, 

I will always tell you that you are fabulous at loving and moving forward in hard times, like cut knees (Maya) and offenses from strangers harsh (but not meant to be harsh) words (Aiden!!!).

I will always do my best to teach you the things I have learned in my life.

I know how to read music and play a flute...we can learn together how to play the uke as it is still so new to me, and Daddy can teach you how to free style some guitar playing!  We can be so much together my beautiful children!   

Today we went to the park and between you, my children, and me...

we developed an obstacle course that we could complete in circuits.  I will post about that later...but make sure, my dear children, that when you want to run...I WILL be there beside you training you and helping you to be the best you can be.  If you want to swim, Daddy can teach all of us those awesome foreign techniques.  If you want to become a Ninja Warrior, we will strive to humbly build obstacle courses and have a BLAST doing these things together!

I LOVE YOU ALL...

and that is all!