Lost and Found (A Father's Love)!

This is one of the latest pictures we have of our "Baby Shane" before he died. As usual we will try to celebrate his life today, even though the sorrow of his loss hangs in the balance. There will be tears and laughter, but most of all, a longing for what will be. Though it seems as though so much has been lost, there has been so much found. We lost the love of a tiny, precious life which trusted us with all his life. We found the love of our Savior, who knows our pain and sends us glimpses of His tender mercies, even in our most lonely hours. We lost the ability to provide love and care for our baby boy, but found an increased ability to love and care for others and understand loss.
We lost the chance to ever really get a good family picture, but found a great appreciation that Crystal felt inspired to take Shane for pictures just days before his passing. 
We lost a lifetime of memories of brothers playing together and loving each other, but acting like they can't stand each other at other times. We found an opportunity to teach our children about our Heavenly Father's plan, and that they will see their brother again someday if they live worthy. This has been especially important to Connor, as Shane was "his" baby. One day shortly before Shane passed, he asked mommy "Can I hold Shane, because I haven't held him in like 20 years or something?" Who knows, maybe it will only be 20 years or something when he will be able to hold him again along with us. Only the Lord knows. He will never hold him again as an innocent child but being able to hold that pure resurrected baby as a man will have its own specialness. 
We lost a member of our eternal family, but found a greater appreciation for the sealing of families together forever. Our minds have been enlightened and our eyes opened to the merciful nature of the plan set forth. Even children not born into such a covenant will all have a chance to accept that sealing done in the temple someday, as though they had been born into the covenant. That is so merciful; so beautiful; such an expression of love.
As a father, I lost the chance to watch my little guy grow into a man, and hopefully embrace the Gospel, get the priesthood, serve a mission (as I did not), and marry in the temple. I found a gratitude for the chance I had for such a short time to care for and hold a tiny infant in my arms, who in reality was greater than I. Even in his short life, he brought more people into the Gospel and effected more lives than I could have ever done. His mother knew of his goodness long before his passing. She would tell him he was too good for this world. Crystal is a spiritual giant herself, and truly has the gift of discernment. 
This is a picture of our little guy exactly one week before he died. We were at the temple for the second Saturday in a row, but I believe the Lord inspired us to be strengthened before the storm. The time I spent in the temple prior to his death left an impression on me that helped pull me through those early very hard days. I still cannot forget the feelings I had in the temple that time.
Again, we lost a member of our eternal family, but found members of our family finding their way into the church and just recently into the temple themselves. We received a letter from Shane's uncle Antonio (whose birthday is on the day Shane died) that expressed the impact our little angel had on his life and conversion. 
The boys all found new friends the day their aunt and uncle came to visit. They were not going to come since they were in Pittsburgh on vacation, but at the last minute made the trip and got to see Shane just 3 days before he died. Aiden loves his uncle Antonio.
Connor fell in love with his aunt Sunny. Looking back, we can see just how little Connor and Aiden still were. They have grown so much over the last couple of years and we hope they will come out of this stronger and more faithful, without damaging emotional scars.
We said our last goodbyes on April 6th. The timing of it all could not have been by chance. So many significant events have happened on that day. It was Good Friday. It was a reminder of the hope of the Resurrection.
We held our baby boy's body, and that is exactly what it felt like; a body. It is amazing what the spirit does to change things. 
It was different. He no longer had that "breath of life" spoken of in the scriptures that was given to Adam to make him come to life. Saying goodbye was hard, but looking back, it has helped us to heal.
The first song on our playlist is one that Crystal found and I would say is the wish of both of our hearts. I have not had any witnesses of him and the life hereafter. Crystal has more faith for those types of things. I have had to rely on my faith on the words of prophets and apostles, and the witness of the spirit that they are true. The other songs on there are some that we have grown to love and have found new meaning after the experience in our life. The last song was a last minute addition that for me explains my feelings about my Savior. I need Him! I love Him! I hope I will be found worthy with Him as my advocate to live with Him again, and dwell where our little one now dwells above. A father's love never dies. It is patient and hopeful. It is always growing. It was about this time (around 10am - 2yrs ago) on the morning Shane died that I last saw him alive. I was putting him down for a nap, and he gave me one last big smile. As time fades, the image fades with it, but I will never forget the feeling. It was like he was leaving me one last gift. I held Shane for the last time as a lifeless body, though I'm sure his spirit was close by. When I hold him again it will be as this picture above, full of life, and I will have found what was lost for just a season of eternity. And then, there will be nothing lost again, only new things to find as we progress with perfected bodies. I pray that I will live worthy of that day. We miss you and send you our love, our sweet Baby Shane!