Four Years Without You...

Four years ago today we shared some of our last moments with our Baby Shane, unknowingly. The morning was unique and unforgettable. I woke to my baby at 6:45 am, shared a quiet morning with him, cuddled him, nursed him, dressed him, cleaned hit spit up off of me, him, and the floor, then handed him off to Daddy so I could shower right before I needed to leave the house. My shower was quick, literally a few minutes in length....as soon as I hopped out, I heard Shane, fussing, outside of the bathroom door. When I opened the door, Daddy was there--holding my beautiful baby boy out towards me. Shane's feet and hands kicked quickly as he cried and grinned all at one. I grabbed him, bundled him up tightly, kissed his little face and laid with him as I nursed him into a sweet sleep. As he finished, I gently bundled the blankets around him, kissed him on his forehead, whispered, "You're so beautiful", and slowly left his side. I scurried to leave the house, as late as I was to make it to my nursing exam on time, and I grabbed my breakfast, told the boys goodbye, opened the front door, and heard a small impression clearly state, "Tell him you love him"! I thought, goodness, I'm late, Steve knows I love him. (He was in the shower at the time, and I really had to go....or I thought I really had to go.) I left the apartment, departed down the stairs to the parking lot, juggled my papers and breakfast as I opened the car door, and drove away quickly. That was the last time I saw my infant son alive...it is so vivid to me still; the clothes I wore, the way he looked and sounded, the desire I had for him to continue feeding--he was so tired that he quickly fell into a deep sleep, and his feeding was cut short--the food I ate, my scattered papers, the impression I had.....it's all so clear.

Today we received flowers...and a message of hope.

At days end, I greeted my boy. He worked all day long....

But this morning, we lived our lives as we are required to do for the period of this life. Shane was in the front of our thoughts, our words, and our actions. We said a prayer with emphasis on him...then I let these boys out of the car...to be boys!

And handsome boys at that!

When we got home, Maya ate leftover fries....the breakfast of the champions. Don't worry, she had cereal prior!

We got ready for the day....and smiled at the bathroom mirror. I LOVE goofy grins!!!

Then departed the house to have lunch with Aunt Sunny and the girls. Miss Lydia snatched her purse and placed her water bottle in it...prepared for the car ride.

She wants to be just like me. Purse on her left shoulder...and yes, the water bottle is tucked in there at the bottom corner!

When we got home for the day, I left the boys....be boys! They ran in the sprinklers while they should have been doing homework!

And Lydia marched to her own little tune....as she usually does!

They played...and played....

And played some more!

And I enjoyed every moment of their sweet innocence!

There were moments through the day when all I wanted to do was round the kiddos up and continue in our normal routine...the strict regimen of homework, showers, dinner, and cleaning....but I felt impressed several times to allow them to be the beautiful children they are. I wondered, for a moment, if their brother would look upon them today in peace, seeing the happy siblings he has...perhaps laugh a little at their goofy clothes, expressions, and imaginations. Perhaps even long a little to be running around with them; I longed to see him there.

When I read scriptures to the boys tonight, I chose to sing a hymn we had practiced over and over right before Shane died. My little Connor knew every word to every verse, and he was a tiny little 3 year old at the time. We memorized the lyrics...and an all knowing God used them through our despair, to pull me up and forward.

Come Come Ye Saints no toil nor labor fear

But with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear

Grace shall be, as your day

Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares, from us to drive

Do this and joy, your hearts will swell

All is well, all is well

.......

Why should we mourn or think our lots is hard

Tis not so, all is right

Why should we think to earn a great reward

if we now, shun the fight

Gird up your loins, fresh courage take

Our God will never us forsake

And soon we'll have this tale to tell

All is well, all is well

......

And should we die before our journey's through

Happy day, all is well

We then are free, from toil and sorrow too

With the just, we shall dwell

But if our lives are spared again

To see the Saints, their rest obtain

Oh how we'll make this chorus swell

All is well, all is well.

We finished that song tonight, read our scriptures, said our prayers, and Aiden prayed, "I'm grateful that baby Shane will be alive again!"

I was impressed to go tell my Baby Shane I loved him one last time on March 31st, 2007. In the midst of rushing to and fro, a voice spoke clearly to me....and it was for me. Indeed, I do know that it was only for me because I can say I love you even at this moment, and my sweet son can hear me....he can feel the depth of longing that I have to see him, hold him, smell him, and kiss him again all in that one little "I love you". That impression came to me that day so that I would have that feeling to help me for the period of this lifetime...

Though I would love to have that memory to help me even now...

...it's okay

All is well...all is well

Maya's Stats!

Maya had her 9 month appointment at 10 months...I'm not much for doing things in a timely manner these days! But the stats are in:

28 inches

17lbs 9oz

Our little peanut is in the 50th percentile for height...making it a first for all 5 of our children. The other 4 have been 90th percentile or more...I think Maya takes after me!

She is in the 25th percentile for weight...

Daddy took her in today for her visit, and comforted her poor little soul when they drew blood. When they got home, Daddy went to remove the bandage from her arm. She looked at me before it was removed, pouted and tears fell down so fast as her whimper turned to a cry.

I...love...this...girl!

Day 2

We're on day 2 of fevers, aches, fatigue, poor appetite, and bouts of tears....lots of tears.

Get better Liddy, Mommy needs her make-up companion back...it's not exciting to make myself look pretty when you don't have a mouth full of lipstick by the end! But, I have enjoyed the cuddling!

Intricately Planned

Four years ago today, we took our handsome little Shane in for a set of pictures that would prove to be his last visual memories for us to treasure forever. He was running a little cold the day prior with a slight fever and a runny nose, but he woke on the 27th happy as ever. I contemplated canceling the pics because my sister Sunny and her husband Antonio were in town for only a day. They insisted that there was nothing that they would rather do...than go and see his pictures taken. This was taken by my sister Sunny after the photo shoot. I glowed with my baby boy...he glowed every minute he lived. I love you baby boy...the Lord certainly plans our lives, intricately and lovingly!

Here's to You...and anyone who cares to read it!

Crystal...girl...Princesa...Juliet, you are amazing! Knowing you has made me a better person. I have not always lived up to my ability, but do any of us? My shortcomings are really between me, God, and you (my family). Sometimes we look without and think that "so-in-so" has it better, or "I wish my life was more like theirs". "Why don't they have to suffer?" "If only they knew what we really had to go through..." "They are so perfect!" "Everyone thinks (this or that about me)." In the end, who really cares? In the end, what really matters? Am we here to please everyone? Doubt it! Did the Savior's life prove anything less than sometimes people are hated for no good reason at all. Its easy to think things that aren't true. Its easy to be contentious. The hard things in life are usually found on the road less traveled. The sad thing about all of this is that I am as guilty as the next. If there has ever walked a man on this Earth who has sinned and made mistakes over and over again, I am that man. I am so far from perfect. But, my heart ever desires to do good continually. That is certainly the case about my beautiful wife. It is like the response to the Savior found in the New Testament..."Lord, I believe! Help thou my unbelief." Lord, I want to do what is right. Help though my unrighteousness." Where am I going with all of this? I am crazy, right? Most likely! I just want my wife to know, and the world to know that she is perfect, in every way! How, you might ask. Because with the Lord and repentance we are all made perfect, even with our imperfections. Granted, my sweet wife is far better than I'll ever be. If any find fault in her, it is likely due to her years of living with me! She took on a service project for a husband. That should give her an instant reward of Eternal Life! Seriously! But truth be told, none of us should live life worrying about what others think. Many do not know the intimate details of our lives that allow them to truly judge us for who we are as a whole. We as outsiders often have such a small piece of the pie that our perspective does not allow us to truly come to any kind of conclusion about any body's true character and heart. My wife is an amazing woman! We all fall short, but we should live for God and family, and nobody else. Each of us have our shortcomings, but only those who truly know us, usually have eyes to see deeper; to see past those fault lines that lay deep within; those fault lines that could at any point cause a quake of catastrophic magnitude. It is the hope that with the support of loved ones, who are sometimes few and far between, and God, those fault lines will never move and cause us to shake from our coarse towards Eternal Life. It is the hope that even when minor tremors or great ones do occur, that those very loved ones will be the first to see past the devastation whether it is real or imagined. And so, girl, hold your chin up high. You are brilliant. You are beautiful! Your last post of that boy was touching. I know for certain you are everything that our children and I need and want. You are their mother, and my wife! We love you! We are all extremely grateful for you! Go forward with a heart that I know you have and I have had the privilege to feel from so many times in my life. Thank you for being you!

Sweet little boys...growing fast!

I went to work last night and had the pleasure of caring for a sweet nine year old boy. He is very dependent on his mother...that's what I heard in report at least. I had to giggle a little and say, "Well, he's nine years old!" I walked into his room and he cried, saying he missed his mother. I smiled and assured him that his mother would be back in the morning, but for tonight it was Daddy, him, and me...and we were going to have a fabulous night together. He was hesitant. Golly gosh, I would be too; after all, he was put through the ringer with an intubation, severe decline in status, surprise extubation, and one diagnosis after another that will require him to move and stretch harder than ever to obtain a state of health again.

But, for the night, I treated him like a 9 year old boy. I told him about how I have a son who's almost 8 years old at home. He said, "But I'm nine!" I replied, "Yes, and there is a big difference there huh?!", validating his sweet ego! He then asked, with tears pouring down him cheeks, "Does he miss you?" I explained, in detail, the ten hugs I received from him before I left the house to go to work. He smiled, knowing that I understood....or my son understood...his heartache.

Hats off to my boys...all of them. When all is said and done, they bring a smile to my face. They love me for who I am, and I for them. With such tender years in my grasp, I hope I can....above all things in this season of life...show my family the deep love I have for them. I hope they understand my shortcomings, as they are many.

A Weekend In Our Life...

So, a weekend in our life is not a pretty thing, BUT Friday was! I met my sisters in town Friday afternoon. Maya and Chloe finally realized the connection they have...and they held hands the whole time! It was adorable!

Friday night:

In bed by 10:30pm, knowing a dreadful weekend was ahead...

Saturday morning:

Daddy's gone before dawn...off to work.

Deep sigh of fear.

Get up and start the day!

Kids dressed...chores completed Friday, but maintenance still required.

Quick trip to the bank.

Home for nap time, for Maya at least.

Exercise with three older children.

Watch Liddy pull petals off a flower.

Admire how a girl is a girl, no matter how old!

Saturday night:

Play outside with Aiden.

Leave kids with Aunt Sunny at 6:15pm and head into work.

Break down and cry by 9pm...patients unstable, Mommy already worn thin.

Survive the night...barely.

Sunday morning:

Leave hospital by 7:15am

Home by 7:45 am.

Take over care for kiddos...Daddy was gone by 6:10 am.

Deep sigh of fear...again.

Dress kids...feed breakfast.

9:15 am: Maya down for a nap

9:45 am: Mommy down for a nap with Lydia by my side.

10:40 am: Lydia runs into my bedroom screaming, "My MOUTH"! (don't ask me when she left the bedroom!)

Look at Liddy whose mouth is full of red dust....from chips...chili lime Doritos.

Jump up and rescue her poor mouth.

Listen....listen some more...Maya's still sleeping.

Declare, "Why am I awake when Maya is sleeping?"

Place head in hands and start to cry...hold back the tears.

Beg Liddy to lay with me.

Liddy lays with me...but is in and out...in and out...for a good 45 minutes.

Maya's awake.

Put a smile on my face and greet my baby.

Walk into kitchen to find an entire back of chex mix on the dirty kitchen floor.

Eat the less contaminated favorite parts of the mix with Liddy...I know...ewww!

Clean the floors.

Survive the afternoon.

5:15pm: Girls bathed and in bed.

6pm: Take pic with my boys

6:05pm: Mimi arrives with pizza, a movie, and a game--YAY for Mimi!

6:15 pm: Mommy off to work!

Sunday night:

Mommy convincing herself she will survive work.

Sing Patty cake with cute chubby 7 month old patient.

Receive a surprise visit from Daddy before he leaves the hospital.

Receive lots of smiles and "awww"s from patients family as Daddy bids farewell to Mommy.

Grandpa of 7 month old patient wonders why there wasn't a farewell kiss involved!

Surprisingly survive the night.

7:55am: Leave the hospital

8:15 am: HOME!!!

10:30 am: Sleep! (Sigh) Sweet sleep!

I am grateful the weekend is OVER...I can still find the silver lining!!!

Today, after a day of recovery, we did laundry...lots of it! We had fun, see below!

Cheese on a Sunny Day!

It was a good sunny day...and we enjoyed the sunshine thoroughly...can you tell? Lydia walked away right as this picture was taken...poor baby didn't get a pic with the angels! It sure looks like they're surrounding us (yep...unedited pic, love when that happens!).

Convinced the pregnant Momma...my sis...that she needed at least a few pics of her and li'l Christian before his grand entrance. Believe me, once we started it was hard to stop her...I got half a dozen adorable pics of her!

Enjoyed holding Maya who loved each and every animal cracker with pure delight!

And loved seeing the kids personalities shine through. Connor, to the left, was less than happy to be spending all afternoon outside--he's an indoors kinda guy! He had a ton of fun but was disappointed Aiden stoped playing with him. And Aiden, in the middle, yep, he's giving Connor the eye! He gives ALL of us the eye, all day long! I admit...that's a trait he got from his Momma! And Lydia, she simply adores her brothers and watches their every move. Please Liddy...disregard the outside play disappointment and dirty looks!

And then I got the biggest kick out of my little Maya...only 9 months old...saying what I require my kids to say every single day...

CHEESE!

Perfect Feet

I went into work on Monday night, 3/07. I found my self drawing connections to my Great Grandma Maymie...whose Birthday is 3/07 and my beautiful son Shane, who was born at 3:07 am. My mind is deep...and there are times when all I do is think, draw connections, think some more, and end in awe over how intricate the Lord's plan is for us. I actually went to the temple with my husband the year our baby boy would have been a year old, on December the 2nd, and performed the ordinances for my Great Grandmother and Grandfather...it was a profound and amazing experience.

I was on call on 3/07; we are required to pull one on call shift a month at the hospital, and it has been more often lately because of how sick the children are. I was scheduled in advance by someone else...I am at the mercy of the unit when it comes to developing a schedule. I came in knowing that there was a sick child sent from another hospital in the area whom I had cared for just under 4 months ago. When I heard his name, my heart sunk...I remembered him, his parents, and the miracle behind his little life.

While I was caring for my patients, the code alarm sounded, and nurses from the unit went running to this 4 month old child's room--myself included. He was quickly stabilized when I noticed a two year old little sister walking aimlessly--the baby's mother was fully focused on her infant, so I snatched her up and played with her. She looked deep in my eyes, grinned, and then instantly started to find something to play with. We found a toy hooked to the wall outside of her brothers room. She stood there while I knelt down and played with her. She looked at her brothers door, looked back at me, and said, "Brother die...." (except she called him by name, of which I cannot do here, but her voice and his sweet name will forever be in my mind), she then sounded weary as she said, "Brother hurt." I hugged her tight, lifted her up and started walking around....only moments later her little brother once again started to slip away, and once again, life saving efforts were performed. After three episodes, the mother and father were left to decide whether to continue or allow their child to slip away. She begged, "What if you take him to surgery now?" to which the doctor and I had to, with weary heart, let her know that her child wasn't stable enough to survive a surgery. She cried, "So what you're telling me is I'm losing my son tonight". She looked deep into my eyes and said, "He is fighting so hard, " and then she wept like only a parent losing a child weeps. They finally allowed him to pass into the next life....only to have a door of longing and pain opened for the period of this life. In spite of our knowledge of life here and in heavenly realms, nothing comes close to the pain of losing a child. I looked at this beautiful baby's body, so chubby and perfect, laying motionless on the bed...and my heart was drawn back to the very moment I saw my chubby little 4 month boy laying motionless in the exact same position, with the exact same tubes from his mouth aimed at saving his life, and my heart grew weary. I wished that I could allow that mother to have her son alive....I would suffer the pain all over again, if she didn't have to. I watched her examine his little feet and touch his body; I know that feeling--as you strive to remember every detail and curve of a body that will soon be placed in the grave. They left the hospital that night without their son, as we did in March 2007, it's not natural....my heart breaks for them.

I am once again convinced that coincidences do not exist in the Lord's plan. I was placed on call by a nurse on 3/07, feeling so close to my son, for a purpose. I held a little girl that night and witnessed her foresight with awe, and I watch a beautiful four month old infant fade into the next life. This was the first death I have witnessed on the PICU--he was only days from turning four months, the same exact number of days our Shane was from turning four months old.

Sweet son, my son, I still remember how your beautiful perfect feet looked on that cold March day...I remember every detail. I love you so much precious child.

Crazy

Yep, that's me...crazy huh? Not more than a pound thinner than I was after my fifth child was born...that's really crazy, and depressing. I like this pic...makes my hair look longer than it really is. Oh ya...the hair thing...that's crazy too huh? I go back and forth between blond and dark brown all the time...there is a purpose. You all might think it's crazy, but it's clear to me....I like to start fresh with the highlights...that requires a clean slate...however dark it may be!

Wanna' hear something even crazier? I was doing the normal night routine...bathing kids, feeding kids, making brownies, doing laundry, and singing my lungs away....okay, not a nightly thing, but my spirit is light and happy today! I was singing at the front of our house...in the laundry room while I folded the last bits of laundry before my crazy night shift work begins this weekend. I was singing Patsy Cline's "Crazy"...."Worry, why so I let myself worry, wondering...what in the world will I do?....I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely...I'm crazy for trying, crazy for crying, and I'm crazy for loving you..."

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...

It was a very loud, manly knock at the front door.

Guess what? The laundry room vents out to the front door--mind you I am singing at the top of my lungs, in my best Patsy Cline voice, while Lydia stands nearby going through all of our food in the pantry singing this new song Mommy knows so well.

I open the door and the gentleman is humming the one and only...."Crazy" by dear Patsy Cline.

Hmmm....who felt kinda' crazy tonight?

Busy Times...

This past week has been a bit of a challenge in the Fultz home. Daddy has been pulling over time while the respiratory season has the Children's program busy as ever, Maya is growing, starving, and teething, Lydia is helping herself to food galore....she is an endless pit as well, but when she eats, the house is a testament of her tracks, and the boys are full swing into school with 100 day projects, homework, class party's, and Dr.Seuss activities. So, on one of the more nerve wrecking days, I was given the challenge of trying to feed my Maya like this...

In spite of every effort I made to help her sit in a more normal fashion, she refused. For some odd reason, which didn't seem to please her, she decided that a twisted core would be the eating position of choice for the night....and she cried through the entire meal. Poor baby :(

My boys are so good at rolling with the punches! When Wednesday morning came, and I was still a tired mess from my weekend of night shift work, I was left gathering lunches, tossing graded school papers out of backpacks, stuffing homework (unchecked) into the back packs and reading flyer's in a desperate attempt to make sure I had covered my grounds.

Oops...I didn't...

It was Dr. Seuss green hair day, and my enthusiastic Aiden came running out of his room pulling down a green shirt, thrilled to have another school day full of Dr. Seuss activities. (He has worn a green shirt every day this week so far...love that boy!) What would I do?

The closest I could get to hair was a crown, so I literally ran down the hallway at 7:35am...while my girls sat at the breakfast table screaming for my attention. I grabbed the last two green pieces of construction paper we had and made each boy a goofy green crown.

Dr. Seuss must have been nearby, in spirit (he he!), because just as the crowns were near completion, the grand idea to make my boys Thing 1 and Thing 2 came! I placed the crowns on their heads, grabbed my girls, dying for my attention, and ran out the door. With the 20 pound car seat in hand, I ran around the car to close all the open doors--modeling my hot purple, pink, green, and blue jungle pants with a gray sweatshirt and tangled hair. And we were off...

Only to miss the bus...

So I drove them to school and got out to escort them to the door, as I have been told I am required to if I drop them off. I avoided making eye contact with every soul...even the children...and pretended to brush the hair out of my face over and over again. Yes, I was hiding my identity! As I drove away, I realized that I didn't see a single child beyond my own with green hair...or crowns. My heart sunk. If I didn't have two young girls to care for all day I would have stayed and made crowns for the children!

So, how do you interpret, "Close your eyes?"

Miss Lydia has been obsessed with the Taylor Swift song, "Love Story"...in which the phrase "close your eyes" is said multiple times. She knows precisely what it means...every time it's said, she places her hands over he eyes and closes them. While the song is playing she sings as best as she can and gets side tracked when she says, "close your eyes" and then says, "my nose...." (while touching her nose of course) just to prove to us that she is so very good at naming all her body parts. On this particular day, she awed me with a new version of "close your eyes". She was playing with her wood dolls and saying over and over again, "close our eyes!" I looked over and saw this....

"Clothes your eyes!"

I LOVE MY KIDS!!! Here, Maya is looking at the camera saying "Dada!" Can you hear it? We recently learned that she has some reflux issues with her right kidney. Urine should only travel one way...to our bladders...but hers goes backwards and back into her right kidney. Poor baby. We are hoping that the years will pass and the problem will correct itself. For now, we will be visiting with a nephrologist for treatment.

Just had to add a few more pics of my beautiful girls. Lydia came to me today after she refused her nap. She was in her crib for about 30 minutes when I finally walked in, hugged her and got her out. She followed me around the house as she always does...my spittin' image...and then stood still against the corner of the kitchen entrance while I gathered a few items. She, behind her binky, whispered something I couldn't comprehend with her head hanging down. I bent down and asked her to come closer and said, "What did you say honey?" She approached, slowly and whispered again....and I couldn't comprehend...again. The third time, I took her into my arms, took out her binky, and asked her what she was saying again....to which she said..."Sorry, I not sleep." I hugged her so tight, let her know I was in no way upset she wasn't sleeping, and we then continued our Mommy daughter routine as she watched every move I made, followed every footstep, and provided the best company ever!

I love these girls....