Four Years Without You...

Four years ago today we shared some of our last moments with our Baby Shane, unknowingly. The morning was unique and unforgettable. I woke to my baby at 6:45 am, shared a quiet morning with him, cuddled him, nursed him, dressed him, cleaned hit spit up off of me, him, and the floor, then handed him off to Daddy so I could shower right before I needed to leave the house. My shower was quick, literally a few minutes in length....as soon as I hopped out, I heard Shane, fussing, outside of the bathroom door. When I opened the door, Daddy was there--holding my beautiful baby boy out towards me. Shane's feet and hands kicked quickly as he cried and grinned all at one. I grabbed him, bundled him up tightly, kissed his little face and laid with him as I nursed him into a sweet sleep. As he finished, I gently bundled the blankets around him, kissed him on his forehead, whispered, "You're so beautiful", and slowly left his side. I scurried to leave the house, as late as I was to make it to my nursing exam on time, and I grabbed my breakfast, told the boys goodbye, opened the front door, and heard a small impression clearly state, "Tell him you love him"! I thought, goodness, I'm late, Steve knows I love him. (He was in the shower at the time, and I really had to go....or I thought I really had to go.) I left the apartment, departed down the stairs to the parking lot, juggled my papers and breakfast as I opened the car door, and drove away quickly. That was the last time I saw my infant son alive...it is so vivid to me still; the clothes I wore, the way he looked and sounded, the desire I had for him to continue feeding--he was so tired that he quickly fell into a deep sleep, and his feeding was cut short--the food I ate, my scattered papers, the impression I had.....it's all so clear.

Today we received flowers...and a message of hope.

At days end, I greeted my boy. He worked all day long....

But this morning, we lived our lives as we are required to do for the period of this life. Shane was in the front of our thoughts, our words, and our actions. We said a prayer with emphasis on him...then I let these boys out of the car...to be boys!

And handsome boys at that!

When we got home, Maya ate leftover fries....the breakfast of the champions. Don't worry, she had cereal prior!

We got ready for the day....and smiled at the bathroom mirror. I LOVE goofy grins!!!

Then departed the house to have lunch with Aunt Sunny and the girls. Miss Lydia snatched her purse and placed her water bottle in it...prepared for the car ride.

She wants to be just like me. Purse on her left shoulder...and yes, the water bottle is tucked in there at the bottom corner!

When we got home for the day, I left the boys....be boys! They ran in the sprinklers while they should have been doing homework!

And Lydia marched to her own little tune....as she usually does!

They played...and played....

And played some more!

And I enjoyed every moment of their sweet innocence!

There were moments through the day when all I wanted to do was round the kiddos up and continue in our normal routine...the strict regimen of homework, showers, dinner, and cleaning....but I felt impressed several times to allow them to be the beautiful children they are. I wondered, for a moment, if their brother would look upon them today in peace, seeing the happy siblings he has...perhaps laugh a little at their goofy clothes, expressions, and imaginations. Perhaps even long a little to be running around with them; I longed to see him there.

When I read scriptures to the boys tonight, I chose to sing a hymn we had practiced over and over right before Shane died. My little Connor knew every word to every verse, and he was a tiny little 3 year old at the time. We memorized the lyrics...and an all knowing God used them through our despair, to pull me up and forward.

Come Come Ye Saints no toil nor labor fear

But with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear

Grace shall be, as your day

Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares, from us to drive

Do this and joy, your hearts will swell

All is well, all is well

.......

Why should we mourn or think our lots is hard

Tis not so, all is right

Why should we think to earn a great reward

if we now, shun the fight

Gird up your loins, fresh courage take

Our God will never us forsake

And soon we'll have this tale to tell

All is well, all is well

......

And should we die before our journey's through

Happy day, all is well

We then are free, from toil and sorrow too

With the just, we shall dwell

But if our lives are spared again

To see the Saints, their rest obtain

Oh how we'll make this chorus swell

All is well, all is well.

We finished that song tonight, read our scriptures, said our prayers, and Aiden prayed, "I'm grateful that baby Shane will be alive again!"

I was impressed to go tell my Baby Shane I loved him one last time on March 31st, 2007. In the midst of rushing to and fro, a voice spoke clearly to me....and it was for me. Indeed, I do know that it was only for me because I can say I love you even at this moment, and my sweet son can hear me....he can feel the depth of longing that I have to see him, hold him, smell him, and kiss him again all in that one little "I love you". That impression came to me that day so that I would have that feeling to help me for the period of this lifetime...

Though I would love to have that memory to help me even now...

...it's okay

All is well...all is well