Loving Shane

December creeps in every year, leaving only subtle hints of warmer times full of happiness and smiles.

The leaves have fallen, and winter is ready to grab hold of us, binding so stubbornly to our fingers and toes with her bone-crushing chill.

Days shorten, bodies slow, yet society tells us to work harder than ever as nature begs us, "be still--listen to my howl in the night and warm yourselves with a cuddle, for my time is closing. Soon, all will be gone--the past blanketed in layers of freshly fallen snow.  Breathe in your final moments, let the dark night close in on itself, and find pause to complete the last days of the beautiful year I gave you."

Fall brings mood changes in my world.  My heart lays heavy as light is withdrawn from our days.  Every evening, I find a measure of hope and gratitude with my family gathered around me, yet every morning is a struggle more real with each passing year.

Here in the Northeastern US, it is cold, windy, and often cloudy.  It is the weather that begs the body to stay in bed.  And so...after kids are at school, errands are run, other children are at work, and appointments are completed...I go back to bed.  Some days I lay down for the warmth, others for the sleep, but today was for the tears.

I never struggled so deeply with winter until we lost Shane.

Now, it is inevitable...no matter how well I believe I have managed loss, there are always reminders that it's a permanent part of my story.

This year, more than ever,  I wish I could hold this beautiful boy.

I have my oldest son working full time, my second son graduating this year, my girls have become strong and independent, and my youngest son started school this year.  So much change, so much growth, yet, I'm right where I started, shedding tears, hiding from the pain in a bed of pillows and blankets supporting every corner of my body and shielding me from the frigid air.

That ice-cold air of grief still blows, but I am certain it's bringing me one step closer to your warm embrace, sweet son.

How I wish I had known your days were coming to an end.  

I miss you...

I love you more than eternity,

Miss Crys 💙 Crystal 💜 Mommy 💗