Because no matter how deep you search into the mind's turns, folds, and hidden places, the question cannot be answered by you, only by God.
The solution would be to ask God...it's rather easy, but the fear is in the answer that will come, or even no answer at all.
All in all, when the day is done, the choice to frown through moments when everyone is smiling has passed...the only person to really blame over the tears and frustrations is yourself.
In the end, it doesn't matter what you had to endure...it only matters how you react, and right now my reactions are not up to my expectations (which are type A personality high).
It's hard, almost heart wrenching to remember the days when you gracefully walked through life and it's obstacles...and then that critical moment when your reactions changed suddenly; then you realize, "I don't measure up, I ONCE was so good and full of life!" Part of that occurred on March 31st 2007, and then pieces of grace have been taken year by year. I'm seeking them back to complete the "me" I once loved and felt complete with God amongst, but they seem to be taken over and over instead of given back.
Even through I said things through the day, that I am ashamed of, I wasn't the graceful Mommy I am capable of, I was shocked to have a witness of The Lord with me still.
As we walked out of Target today, Lydia screamed in sadness over her new sunglasses being gone from get shirt collar. I was angry, hurt, and so sad for her all at once because every penny in our family matters....especially when it comes to our babes. I immediately took her into the store and retraced our footsteps quickly. 1/3 of the way through, Lydia said, "Mommy, why can't we just go home and buy more?" I told her that wasn't an option as we browsed the shoe section.
(Where I had placed clearance teal heels in the cart for me and then took them out right before checking out. Any mother familiar with that? The need to sacrifice even a cheap object for a bigger cause, your children? I was actually sad...sounds ridiculous, but I was. Being a shoe finatic, I stopped getting anything for myself when I stopped working and put on weight. These were the cutest shoes of my dreams, teal suede heels, perfect. 7.5 fit, the only pair there... But as I added items up, I realized I needed to ditch my treasure :-( )
She then said, "Well, I can just use the old ones!" I was not going to let down, so we walked to our half way point and a little gut feeling said STOP as we approached the furniture. I recall watching Lydia jump into each chair expressing how cozy each one was, and as I glanced the surfaces, floors, and seams, they were no where. I had the distinct feeling to stay there...and I did. I walked down the isle where I was admiring the teal and red cabinets...and behold? I glanced to a chair she hadn't even sat in, and they were there. I was so happy for her.
I know how it feels to lose something so new to you that you carry around day and night. They were sunglasses for her, far from the child for me...but I was so grateful to bring them back to her.
No comments:
Post a Comment