Most days lately...I can hardly roll outta bed...a sign to me that another doctor's visit needs to be made. Yes, I am a Mom, and I have attributed my utter fatigue to motherhood and nursing...a child (or 5) and a career (lol)... for years.
I've been learning a lot lately however...in my spare time; I do a lot of research into what has caused this massive breakdown of my body.
Coming form a nursing standpoint where I can literally see the body's cellular processes taking place in my minds eye because I have studied it and clinically aided in treating it time and again; it's harder to put into layman's terms what I am trying to teach. But here it is, the classic common negative feedback cycle our body thrives on to create balance, or homeostasis.
The easiest example to me is diabetes...and no, that is not the disease I personally have, but let's put it this way.
The pancreas produces an amazing HORMONE called insulin. If your blood sugar gets too high, the pancreas releases insulin that tells your body, "HEY...there is TOO MUCH SUGAR in the blood because we like to have a BALANCE of sugar at all times for optimal functioning!!!" In turn, the sugar (glucose) is converted to glycogen, by the liver...it is therefore stored for times when the blood sugar falls too low.
In reverse, when the blood sugar is too low, the pancreas releases a HORMONE called glucagon. This hormone tells the liver to take that glycogen (or stored glucose) and break it down into sugar (or glucose) to be placed in the blood for BALANCE!!!
Now...when this cycle is hyper-stimulated over and over again...by
eating large meals
drinking lots of sugar
never burning off excess calories,
the poor pancreas gets tired. As the pancreas fatigues, the HORMONES responsible for maintaining a BALANCE become imbalanced. This is what leads to Type 2 diabetes.
NOTE: Type 1 diabetes is completely related to the body's innate INABILITY to even produce insulin...totally different story.
So...how does that relate to me?
I have hypothyroidism, which means that the HORMONE I don't have enough of in my body is T3 and T4...the thyroid hormones. A cycle similar to that above has occurred over the years, causing a fatigue to occur on my thyroid gland, and possible pituitary gland as well. Yet, there are more complicated processes which have occurred that I will go into at a later date...the thyroid gland is a very interesting study topic. It really is not black and white.
But...hear this...
In my latest research, I have learned so much about the critical HORMONES of the ADRENAL GLANDS.
Who has not heard of CORTISOL???
Yep, it is the hormone that is produced with stress!
Imbalances, like that above, and the inability of the body to release proper amounts of cortisol and the sex hormones which causes (in balanced states) regular cycles...and with us women...regular moods, will eventually have a negative effect on out body. The adrenals do other things as well, but let's not get into that.
Here is the list of things which can cause that malfunctioning of the poor adrenal glands and the HORMONES associated with it:
lack of sleep (night shift nurse with little day sleep cause I'm a Mommy and a Wife to a husband who was working days)
overloaded schedules (raising and having lots of babes with a husband that went to nursing school and worked with me simultaneously)
extended periods of stress (ummmm...can we say our entire life???)
naturally prone anxiety sufferers (ME!)
As I studied things out, I saw that not only is my inability to get out of bed in the morning related to my thyroid...but a domino effect has occurred (which is so very common is disease processes...sick people usually get sick in every body system over time if left uncorrected.) My inability to lose a single pound, the menopausal symptoms (at 32), the swollen fingers every morning after sleeping which should draw all that extra fluid into your bladder so you can get rid of it at night/morning time (it's just easier for the body to work with gravity and not against it, so sleeping is so very important for the purpose of taking fluid load off of your poor heart as well!)
My next step...
an endocrinologist.
An endocrinologist is an expert in hormones!!!
This last week has been so hard for me.
As a type A personality, I feel worthless.
I get the dishes done, a good hot meal is served at least 3 times a week, but I literally roll out of bed after pleading with my girls to get a baggy of cereal and cuddle with me, I give up at 7-8am (which is really late in this house.). I do feed them and dress them...I even comb their hair.
Most days I unintentionally fall asleep on the couch again though...and today I was up trying to concentrate on more researching material and watching educational TV (Dr.Oz!!!). Before I knew it, I was sleeping..straight up in a seated position. I finally realized I was having a severe allergy attack and ran for my medicine...any minute I spend in these moments is gut wrenching for me. The achiness, cold like symptoms, anxiety, and malaise is almost unbearable when you need to raise 4 children in kindness. Still, head up, I fell asleep around 10am and woke up...straight up...at 12:30, lunch time. I wanted to cry. I can't live like this anymore...but my body is holding back my spirits desires...hence, I am desperate for western medicine and the good old natural medicine I am researching as well to HELP ME!!!
On good days, I get the kids out late morning for a walk...sometimes a jog, and the boys are always on their bikes!
Today, I found this note in my phone which I had written:
10/19/2011 "While running today, my Nike app paused at one point. When I went to reset it...in the very moment it decided to be finicky, the clock read 3:07 (my deceased child's time of birth). I was approaching the only hill I would have to climb in this run while pushing my two girls in the jogger. I pushed the girls up the hill as I told myself, '3:07' over and over as I utilized my theme of 'you never stop on a hill'. Suddenly, in my mind, I heard, 'Mom, just keep going!' My spirit whispered, 'I know son, I will.' I made it to the top and was about to stop for a break, but in my stubbornness I kept going. Anyone who knows me would know that once I make it to the top of a hill, I won't stop, and I didn't."
It had rained a lot the night before and the girls were head over heels about jumping in our tiny puddles. Even the boys tried so hard to find out who could make the biggest bike splash.
Stopping is always welcome for me these days, as my old running days of 8:30 miles and long runs, even 12 miles up and down hills with the jogger, appear to be gone. I pray I can regain my energy again soon...to be the fun Mom I KNOW is inside, dying to come out. She has lived many times before, but right now she is dormant.
So, tonight, the crankiness from all these crazy imbalances, and my inability to cope properly over it, led me to shout all the kids into their rooms. Yes, I read the girls stories, and we said prayers, but their screaming in humor before hand caused too much testosterone, (haha...I would call that an imbalance of my adrenal gland as well...if you're still following) to take over. The "Get in bed before you get a whopping!" came out...sure enough the girls went to bed quickly.
The boys...
well, their natural rising in testosterone caused them to start a fighting match in the bathroom. One child ended up in the corner of this tiny bathroom bawling his eyes out in pain while the other child brushed his teeth so calmly. I meant business with them too and let them know that, "Time's up...I've had enough!" and they each got an unexpected small whopping on their bottoms.
Do I believe in spanking?
On occasion...with my children's behaviors it doesn't happen regularly...maybe once or twice a year. They are naturally good at the counting system...even if there are grunts and moans attached!
They got into bed, I explained the events of the day and how uncontrolled anger and behaviors can escalate until someone really will get VERY hurt someday. AND...by heck, why would I wanna keep you all home 24/7 for homeschooling...get your acts together so we can survive home this year! They REALLY want to do homeschooling bad, so it will be a motivating factor for them!
As I was walking out, my racing heart was saying close the door.
Yet, my swelling eyes released the gates, slowly...
I opened the door just ever so slightly and said, "I love you so much!"
Both boys, with solemn faces turning to joy, jumped outta bed as fast as they could and raced towards me for their good night hug, squeeze, or death grip...they all accurately describe the event!
Thirty minutes later, my sweet boys gently opened the bedroom door as I was about to start journaling our crazy life, and showed me their creation. It says LEGO up top and the face is very much happy...which brings me joy, because discipline and love should coexist!
He then signed it at the bottom "CF"; he has witnessed my signature patched on my quilts, and I think he is gaining an appreciation for claiming the work of his hands!
There is One who claims all of us, and by the grace of God, His Hand touches our lives so very often....
....but can we see it?
Tonight, I saw it amongst the northern wall of our home.
The sun was casting orange hues onto the wall in it's most beautiful form I have seen in this home through the 2 years we have lived here. I can say now....
as I have said before...
dusk is a time of day in which I feel God's love so deeply. If I could have a wish, it would be that dusk could last three times as long every night! I love nature's beauty.
Dusk...in it's defined terms...focuses on the darkness overtaking the light. I view it as the beautiful light slipping away for a small season...to a place we cannot see in our own little homes, amongst our tiny pleasant towns, and the mass of people we reside beside, around, and about.
Tonight I wonder if the dusk of like happens over and over at times...
health being taken for a season,
children causing grief for a few years,
children being taken for a lifetime,
loved ones instilling sorrow, however unintended,
...now add all you can, and cannot speak to the list...
The final dusk will be ever so much more enjoyable I believe...for the person who's dusk approaches. It will be the light of a beautiful person slipping into a place, which those left behind cannot see.
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