Sweet Baby Shane--
I was digging through my bedroom yesterday, pulling out so many treasures from our past. I came across the photos of you and the boys I had laminated to make for book marks in my scriptures after you passed.
I then came across a note I had written that told of your sweet brothers pleading prayer at only 4 (days from 5) years old. You have taught us so much beyond what we thought we would have to learn in this temporal existence.
I tried early in your little life to get you to sleep in the cradle, but you were far more comfortable fulfilling your "fourth trimester" by my side. I will admit, I was too. As a baby longs for the mother he has been with for 9 long months, the mother long for that intimate touch from her babe. I was honored to spend every night with you. The cradle sat by my bedside, and you laid in my arms, by my side.
We laid beneath this quilt together every night...me, you, and Daddy. I was sandwiched between you and Daddy, always faced towards you with my arm curled around you in a protective manner so that I could feel every little move that you made. I heard every squeak and whimper, stroked your beautiful face often, and was there to feed you upon the first sign of wakefulness. My sleep was not perfect, but yours was...and that's all that mattered to me.
The last time I saw your sweet body alive was a Saturday morning. I was about to leave for an exam when I heard Daddy outside of the bathroom door with you as I was finishing my shower. I quickly grabbed my robe, opened the door, saw your hungry and sad face wrinkled in a cry. I embraced you and took you to our bed...laid you beneath this quilt with me and I fed you one last time. When you finished, I looked at you in awe and just stared for a long several minutes. I backed away from you a good 6 inches to take in your beauty from afar; I then leaned into you one last time, kissed your perfect white and unflawed skin with my mother's lips, and told you, "I love you so much. You are so beautiful!" I slowly left your side to keep you in your slumber and proceeded to get ready for my exam as fast as I could.
At my bedside, there sits a picture of Mary and her sweet baby Jesus, whom she kisses so tenderly with her mother's lips. How grateful I am to have those same lips, with the same unfailing love that served as my last memory with you. How honored I will be to embrace you again in time to come, and to kiss your unflawed skin with my mother's lips.
2 comments:
ok, wiping away the tears. that was beautiful, Crystal. YOU are such a beautiful person. thanks for letting me into glimpses of your life, your thoughts, your sweet spirit that touches so many through your writing. Love the tenderness i feel in my heart, matching the one in yours as you remember your son.
Your touch was one of the only things that could soothe our sweet Baby Shane. He was beautiful! I long to hold him again and raise him to maturity, probably learning from him, with you by my side and guiding me and my lips to come to know him as you did/do.
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