Cold Feet

I find myself contemplating life and all of it's intricacies.

I care for tiny and big babes in the hospital weekly.  I see stories of awe and wonder, hope at it's fullest.  I leave work on those days full of that hope that is all around me, it attaches to me and I can leech off of it for a brief moment in my life.

There are, however, days when you see steady decline and heartache; those are times when I leave feeling weary and full of sorrow.  There have been moments in the wee hours of the morning when I have looked over a child's bed and felt my heart sink, my eyes swell with tears, and the glimmer of hope...that almost always shines bright in my eyes...leaves me.  Why would it leave ME?  I am not the Master of this plan.  I am a mere mortal, trying to find my plan at it's fullest....but that is indeed why it leaves me, because I cannot see the end from the beginning.  I, with the skills that I have learned and practiced, can do my absolute best to fulfill the plans of care for these babes.  I can intervene in critical times or in times of peace, I can swaddle and stroke tiny heads, I can plan with care providers and seek the best route to the final end....but I CANNOT know the end.  I can only work towards the end day by day with precision...following the written and verbal orders given to me.  I can do my part...with determination and love...and that is all.

I try to maintain a very optimistic outlook towards life.  I most certainly know that there are bumps along the way.  I understand that, or have heard, that all these bumps are for our good, in the end at least.  When the good days are upon me, I feel like I could walk a hundred miles with my children strapped to my back...carrying a heavy load with a HUGE smile.  That, however, is not what character is all about.  Sure, in the good times, a smile and a hug, a word of encouragement to a struggling soul, and the zeal to get up and work hard through fatigue is easy.

Not all days are good.

There are days when I leave the hospital with a sad heart.  All the work I am doing doesn't produce what I want.  Now, I remind myself, this isn't about what I want,...it's all in the Master's hands.  But still, the sorrow leaves me carrying a burden that I need to lift and pass on.  It doesn't end when the car ride home is complete.  There are deep battles of the mind and heart that need to be worked through at the beginning (or my end...scratch that...my middle) of a hard day.  Sometimes those battles are more trivial, such as how will my aching legs and feet walk another 6 hours just to keep my body awake, kids fed and clothed, and the house stable, not perfect, but stable.  

Sometime those battles are far more delicate...requiring the deep stings of the heart, that tender piece of human joy and suffering to feel pierced and lonely, confused and angry, and even numb with bitterness.  These times I question the Master, "Why?"  But then, I recall, I do not know the end from the beginning.  I'd like to put my two cents in, but that hope that has faded from my eyes can't even bear to to speak the desires of my heart; why?  because in that moment, the hope is gone.  Are these battles of the heart or mind?  Both.  The heart has been pierced and the mind can't let go.

I can feel people reach out to me... I can hear them.

But for some reason, it doesn't help.

Sometimes I fear I hurt those that reach out to me far too much by casting them aside, ignoring the extended hands, and choosing to walk alone.

But after reaching out for aide, it almost feels that walking alone is the best way to stay protected, for myself and others. What nobody knows, hurts the soul carrying it the deepest...and sometimes that's just how it's meant to be; a silent battle, a silent war in the heart, a silent, but almost deadly, obstacle.

Some days start cold.

Some days end cold.

Some days it's all in my hands to choose happiness over pain.

Some days I choose pain.

Most often I choose happiness.

Today...I chose pain, necessary pain.

I hope it makes me stronger.

The only phrase the gives me an ability to invite hope into my heart again is this...

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh"

When the Lord allowed Job to have ALL to be taken from him, even his friends and family, and Job was indeed faithful, he then rewarded him in the end with twice an inheritance...from lands the children, family, riches and most importantly pure happiness and joy.

I can only trust in the Master's Hands and hope he guides my course with clarity with my true desires in mind.  I can only follow orders, and though I fail at that often, I can try.

These cold feet need to be warmed so they can move forward, in His work...whatever that may be.