Let's Go Fly a Kite

Maya must have known what I needed today.  When we finished errands, she asked if we could watch the "spoon full of sugar movie".  I thought she meant Mary Poppins, but instead she showed me this one...Saving Mr. Banks.  I love movies that teach us lessons, that allow us to see a little bit of ourselves in them...that show us that the rose colored glasses we once viewed Mary Poppins through is actually a tragic story.  It was one that caused a sweet little child, so innocent and loving, to go into a hiding place...a refuge from any other kind of pain when she grew older...it became her protection to have things just as they were, as she thought they should be.  The people at Walt Disney, and Walt himself, tapped into an incredible amount of patience to allow a piece of happiness and healing to enter her heart when they exercised a diligent love with her in the making of her very real story into a most hopeful and healing movie.  My favorite part of this scene is when Miss Travers taps her foot for the first time--a flood of emotion runs through me--probably because I understand her.  Those looking on stand in awe, and they work with that little clue, the clue that says, "I'm allowing you into my heart, I trust you."

I can relate to Miss. Travers.  I can see the lifetime of pain that built walls around her so that she could live with only the pain she had to endure and not allow anymore in.  The greatest courage we can exercise is in allowing even one peep hole to enter into one of those walls, and the greatest wisdom we can follow is in doing it when the time is right.  To trust is to love, and to allow yourself to be loved.  To feel the pain of instilling trust in one and being let down is not avoidable, but hope tells me that if it is infrequent, there is still reason to believe that vulnerability is good and allows growth.  The frequency of betrayed trust leads to those walls that most people view as hardness...it is merely protection.

My sister posted an article about vulnerability recently, and I wasn't able to read it until I saw it in a  comment this morning, though I intended to read it all day long yesterday.  How beautifully vulnerable the people at Walt were the entire time to Miss Travers in this film, and how great that risk was in allowing that vulnerability to again take root into Miss Travers heart.  To love and be loved takes pain, strength, courage, trust, diligence, and unselfishness--I'd say that is vulnerability.

The title alone is beautiful "Let's Go Fly a Kite"--or as Miss Travers says, "Let us go fly a kite!".  There is always an "us" in exercising vulnerability with a child, spouse, friend, etc.

Transitions

I recently read a quote about transitions:

"Times of transition are strenuous, but I love them.  They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits.  We can make our new normal any way we want."


I actually received this quote in my mailbox on January 12th, as I was packing a few things up.  I thought...yep, they are strenuous.  It is amazing, however, to see what you are capable of.  When once your habit was to get up at 8am and roll into breakfast at 9, now you are up and completing tasks a plenty by 9am.  It doesn't mean that every day has to be this way, because every life, every schedule, and every single person is extraordinarily different.

I am looking at my son's math book and thinking of how proud I am that amidst all the challenges we are facing he is not complaining a bit about the work I am putting him up to.  It busies the children's minds and gives them a sense of happiness to do such tasks.  I am grateful for these years that I have had them under my wing....and I am especially grateful for all of the sweet little things Maya has been whispering to me on a nightly basis.  It could be 3:30am, and somehow we have both been stirred to life from our deep sleep.  She will sit straight up in the bed, look towards me as I console her, and then whisper, "I love you all the way up to the moon Mommy...and back!"  Then she will inevitably ask for some of her pretzels that she bought with her own saved money...she sure is proud of that big girl moment.

When we purge, it is mindful that we purge the correct things--old habits, bad memories, ugly reactions, and feelings of anger and pain.  Purging old stuff too is a great part of this, I believe.  Letting go of the one thing that you just couldn't part with for 10 years, but you have no idea why it's still sitting, untouched, useless, and old.  I believe 90% of our home would qualify for the inevitable purge!  I am excited to get to that work only because I believe as we let go of the tangible useless possessions, the Lord will give us eyes to see how we can let go of the intangible ones as well.  The things we cannot touch are ultimately the things that rule our lives...our mind, our feelings, and our very own will.

Once a purge has happened, the priorities naturally fall into place.  Think of organizing a pantry.  With every pantry that I have organized time and time again, I have found hundreds of expired useless items.  Every item that is definitely expired (because I push the limit sometimes) gets tossed.  It is quite sad to look at all the things we have been living with that have only made life that much more chaotic and inhabitable.  Once the purge is complete, the organizing begins.  It actually comes naturally to most of us, though I know there has been some "stewing" over where the tomatoes should go--vegetable or fruit???  I personally keep them with the vegetables...even though they are a fruit!

The key in the final phase is making sure to create those new habits.  The only way I KNOW my daughter has become an efficient writer in by watching her write time and time again.  The only way I KNOW that my boys are becoming independent learners is by watching them take their books and complete their assignments.  The only way I can KNOW that my heart has softened is by interacting with people who I have grown hard to, and then seeing a consistent change in how I look, the things I say, and what I am revealing in every single action.  The only way I can KNOW that I am being treated with kindness is by consistently seeing acts of kindness and hearing uplifting words of encouragement.  It is kinda funny in the end though, because ultimately the true test of whether the outward behaviors have truly become a change of heart is by testing the intangible, how we feel.  How do you feel when you are around me?  How do I feel when I am around you?  How do others feel when they are with us?

I am hopeful that as this phase of life opens up to me, I can see clearly what the purges should be, how I can best prioritize, and then what habits I should place into this picture of heartache and pain so that the chaos can finally dissipate and be nothing but a distant memory of times that made us stronger.

Dear Little Maya,
Tonight, remember that I do love you right up to the moon and back...then around the universe an infinite number of times.  You are so beautiful.  You looked up at me tonight and said, "Are you not coming with us Mommy?"  I told you I wasn't, and that I had to stay here.  Your eyes swelled with tears, but instead of making it harder by crying with you, I reassured you that we WILL do something fun together as a family tomorrow!  When you left, I cried behind closed doors, just praying you know that I only want what is 100% best for you, my princess.  You are indeed worthy of being called a princess.  You best be treated like one too.

Dear Miss Lydia,
You screamed for a good hour when i told you I wasn't coming with you tonight.  I hugged you and allowed you to go with out a shower.  You isolated yourself in a bedroom, but I didn't care keep you alone in this hour of your life.  I came and sat right beside you, hugged you, kissed you, and told you that I love you so very much.  You know, I want to be with you every day and every night of your short little childhood, but I will not let a night...two...or more....allow me to lose focus on what I have in you and what you should know through every day of your life.  You are a beautiful girl, a daughter of God, with a tender heart.  You deserve to feel happy all the time...we're working in your favor, I promise little one.

Dear Aiden "Obii",
Do you know how awesome you are?  I have watched you over the last few days in detail.  You are so fun to be with.  You can take any situation and make it work for that beautiful smile on your face.  You will strap a holster around you, maybe even a little quiver, and take up a plastic sword and fight to your mighty reign--amongst every creature, big (brother Connor) or small (little cousin Christian).  I can't imagine life with out you.  You make me smile as I watch you cherish the days of your childhood still.  Keep living it out Aiden, I don't want to see that light fade as the years come.  You bring such warmth to me.  I love you tough guy, who can't help but hig me 30 seconds after I have just disciplined you.

Dear Connor "Riid",
  I wish I could wrap you in my arms and multiply you forever.  You are such a sweet, kind, and gentle guy.  Yes, you like to have your way, but the ways in which you adapt and meekly accept life and school for what it is simply amaze me.  You have a work ethic that is beautiful.  Your heart is full of such beauty and love.  I love being with you and feeling you come up behind me for a hug.  As we stand at the same height right now, you are showing me daily how quickly you will tower over me--most likely in wisdom as well as height.  Thank you for being the first born in our home.  You have no idea how much I can see in that order which God has placed upon you.  You are meant to lead...because you whisper words of truth and kindness.  Take care of your brother and sisters.

Dear Baby Shane,
You are watching this trial take place, and I can imagine the sadness you are engulfed in, but the happiness that comes in bursts as well.  I'm certain you laughed today as Aiden crawled into a little igloo, and Connor tried to follow, only to get stuck because he was WAY too long to wiggle his lower body in without breaking the structure apart.  I watched and laughed, seeing a 5'2" 89 pound handsome boy get down to the level of a lowly child.  You most likely saw Maya walk up to me and rub her hand against my cheek in the loving way she always does, and then whisper as she walked away, "I love you!"  You probably felt the deep anguish as each of us shed our own tears, in our own ways, tonight.  There were many.  I'm sorry it is so.  You were lucky to win your crown without this mortal pain, but nothing does compare to the anguish of the spirit when someone you love is suffering.  I know you suffer with us.  I love you...stay close by sweet son.

Love you to the moon and back...and an infinite times around the universe...
Mommy, the best name ever!

Family Ties

I didn't grow up around my father.  I longed to, but circumstance and misfortune with those trials life throws your way (the ones you learn about when you are older) tend to get in the way of our plans, and theirs!  

I still never forgot the good things I had with him...listening to him strum the guitar and belt out country tunes, tickle time (which left me gasping for air, which I later hated because of gasping for air), and learning to fold socks. 

There was a time in life I started to resent not having him there until my adult years. Then one day, I heard a talk from a leader in my church.  Though I don't remember a word he said, what I took away from it was this:  how much harder was it for a father to not watch his children grow than for a child to grow naively through life with an innocent protective bliss?  How much more heart wrenching is it for him to not see the phases, stages, changes, and the beauty of becoming an independent smart mind....his daughter, becoming such....

I saw this picture of my Dad tonight.  He was about 9 here, and this is my son to the left.   I always felt, from my son's  birth, that he resembled my Dad.  I never knew how intricate that was until today.  I actually cried when I placed the pictures side by side.  

Then the scripture passage about the hearts of the children turning to their fathers, and the fathers turning to their children came to mind.  

My love for my Dad, which always remained over the lost years, grew to a different level and understanding tonight. I love him like I love my son.  What greater love is there than the love for our children?   But guess what...?  We really can, true blue, feel that magnitude of love for our parents and friends!   What a beautiful gift my son and my Dad are to me.  I can be instrumental in sealing that family tie so that we can all be bound and never again left to cry alone for a parent, or for a child.  The Savior heals those wounds, and He does as soon as you allow His tender truth into your heart.  

Know Your Path, Know Who You Are!

I have a beautiful sister who provides me with extraordinary journals every year, usually on the anniversary of my son's birthday (the one who would have been eight this December).  

I've begun a journey...well, I'm continuing a journey.  It is a journey we all take, at one time or another.  I was blessed by gifts from God at a very early  age to begin seeking why I felt important and valued--cherished beyond measure, and reserved for greatness.  

Don't get too hasty in the zealous sound of that statement, because we ALL are destined for greatness. However, the outcome is a result  of millions of little  choices we make, day by day.  

I am full of imperfection, but I know the feeling of my inherit nature when I experience things which my spirit recognizes.  I feel it when I sing hymns with friends and congregations.  It comes out when I write stories with metaphorical and symbolical content....all which point to life and is beauties, battles, struggles, and epiphanies.  I feel it when I'm reaching out to a friend in love and compassion, to comfort their aching heart.  It is there when I create a beautiful quilt from scraps, and especially when the last stitch is placed, it is washed, and handed to its owner.   I especially  feel it when I am with child; I am amazed at how pregnancy can be so hard physically with the never ending sickness and physiological changes, yet feel so complete, so perfect ,  and so whole.  I feel it in the depths of labor pain, when a child is about to begin its mortal journey, and I stand as a vessel between God and man.  That is when I feel it at its strongest.  I feel my divinity when I lose...when I lose my pride, and when I lose my loved ones.  

I felt it in my darkest hour, when my child was brought back to God because of his precious, innocent, and perfect spirit--though the nights were full of endless tears, I felt it when I realized he had escaped this envious world. I lost, but I gained treasures that my mouth can't adequately express. The words I need for the feelings of love and gratitude I have for being given such a gift do not exist....it is a feeling far greater than the image of kingdoms, riches, and powers.  

I feel it when he's near, between this world and the next --when he comes in memory, thought, symbol, or dream.  

 

It is not enough to merely feel it, however. I must act worthy of it and remember it.  When life hands me lemons, which I ironically love above all fruit,  so we will call it....grapefruit --when life gives me grape fruit, and the taste is bitter, I will crave that sweet fruit which brings joy and peace. It is then that I will need to recall my divinity....and it will be written here, by my own hand and through my personal experiences.  

Phases of human growth....the lies we've been told

There is something miraculous about being a mother.  Well, there are far more than a few things that make motherhood so wonderful.  

It is the hardest thing one can do, but from the moment you give your body up for the rearing of your children, with the unpredictable changes that come with pregnancy, you are learning the great law of sacrifice.  

When the child is born, and nights are broken into 6 plus segments, and your sleep comes last on the list of priorities, you are already understanding the unselfish art of genuine service.  

As tantrums rise, and language develops, though you bite your tongue, replacing words of frustration with one long deep breath, you are beginning to master the true concept of self control. 

Then, as the years pass, and children turn into teens, ready to take the world into their own hands, you will surely pull out that patience which has been brewing in a stream pot for over a decade now.  

Yet, in all, it's the unconditional love which gives life to each of the above attributes that carry us through motherhood with it's endless beautiful road.  

I am a mother to many children...from one in heaven whom I honorably endure an untold amount of time for, to the preschool and preteens in my home.  I am raising a generation up to God.  

As I school them, I find myself honored  to introduce their work load....and assure that it's done with Providence. Being a writer myself, I tend to lean towards the literature and history aspect of school, but it serves them well, as they have grown accustomed to my long group reading sessions and detailed writing assignments; it is a great time to test their comprehension and interpretation skills without a single sheet of paper!  I might add that my highest scores on the ACT were in math and science, so we really are pretty well rounded once the week is said and done!

Connor completed a word study this week for "governor". I thought it a perfect time of year for this word, hoping he would reference the scripture in Matthew, speaking of our Lord as our ultimate Governor. Though he didn't reference that, I was pleased to find that the Webster's 1828 definition of governor does indeed make reference to our supreme creator!  His assignment is below.  

I can't adequately explain how motherhood had given me opportunities to understand the character of God, but I know that by the opportunities that are presented to me often, I am learning through the submission of becoming a God fearing mother, how natural it is to love our children through  every phase in life.  It seems that when my response to every scenario is with love, every scenario plays out to a blessing which out weighs the investment ten fold.  I am not perfect, so I indeed falter and have to humbly seek correction from God and quickly ask forgiveness  from my babes; I surely know that I am in no way above them.  

Every day presents new challenges, but I pray I am worthy of instruction by the spirit to find joy in the phases of human development that the world tells us to fear; I'm finding I actually appreciate each stage far more than the last!  This past week, I looked at popular instruction theory  and news columns in rasing children  and I thought, "how absurdly strange...".  

"Take out the joy and you'll have brighter, more competitive children.....Let them know who's the boss, and they'll stop misbehaving..... Don't worry, this too shall pass.". Though I can wisely see the balance in some disciplining techniques, I have found that the approach of love, without inducing guilt or anger (neither kindling it in yourself), is the tried and true method to properly raise children and enjoy the process.  This doesn't come without heartache; parenting is a front row seat to God's view of you yourself, even that makes me cringe.  However great the pain, there is a happiness that only accompanies a soul which stands in confidence before the Lord.  

Peculiar things happen when you walk  the road less traveled!  Let's keep walking....

Shouts of agony....soothed in quiet hours

Been reading and teaching more about "Bambi" with my children through literature.  I call it life's lessons as well, because good books bring a spirit just as heart stirring as scriptural epiphanies, and beautiful poetic speeches.   

I thought this particularly touching tonight:

Bambi has feared, loved, admired, and grown to trust the "old stag" through his experiences. Bambi, feeling alone, comes upon the old stag in the forest; the stag exclaims, "don't you hear anything?". Bambi doesn't, even with the continued insistence from the old stag, "don't you hear anything yet?".  

They indeed come upon Friend Hare, caught frantically in a trap. It is then that we find how the old stag, and his mindful ears to every soul who sorrows in pain, shows deep godly love. "Lie still," he tells the rabbit, "be easy Friend Hare, it's I.  Don't move now.  Lie perfectly still."

In Friend Hare's agony, it was the still and quiet moments, when the old stag could help him best, that he found safety and continued life.  

Do we not see that in our pain, we can be still, call out to Father who is mindful of every soul, and find relief?  He actually says this to us clearly; "Be still, and know that I am God."

From a little old town, where God still loves and knows every joy and pain in my heart...as He does yours, Goodnight!

To impress though our worldy gain, but love in our humility....

I recently became part of a discussion regarding a woman and her current circumstances.  She joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, followed by her brother.  She left, followed by him as well. When she came back, he didn't. They live polar lives now. While she is home with young children, battling the real pain that comes with letting a house sit without repairs so the children can be clothed and fed, he lives a temporally beautiful life.  Most of us mom's understand that raising the children always overcomes the temporal things we miss out on, but it still hurts, gosh darnit.  You can bet she's  struggled with the added weight she's gained in giving her life over to child bearing and then child rearing and homeschooling, which I believe is where a lot of that weight comes from! Lol...personal experiences here!  In her insecurities regarding her desire to be an example of something he will want to come back to, her fear of the unappealing life is setting in as a visit with him approaches.  This is my first thought for this woman I do not know, but whom I pray for :

"Outward beauties always fade..... Bodies get bigger, disease sets in for even the most fit and beautiful of us all, dust settles, moth corrupts, teeth break (my unfortunate life, lol), cars wreck, clothes get holes, and homes settle and ruin. If I were you I would stop thinking about impressing him and luring him into this life that is so hard, but truly brings so many rewards.  The times when I have thought about how embarrassed I am to be with my family...because I've gained 60 pounds since they saw jme, my children's clothes barely fit, and my home is no more than a small box....I find myself miserable and portraying the life I don't live.  When I let go and smile my truest smile, stand straight and confident, interact with my children as I do on an every day basis, and draw my family towards me with pure  warmth and love--they stand in admiration. Even if he (your brother) doesn't see it now, he will one day see it once one or more  of the above sorrows stirs his faith in the worth of the world.  The world is a foundation we can never really rely on, everyone must face that eventually.  I'm certain he is an amazing man to have joined the church to begin with, he will "see" again someday.  Just love him. The Lord used me and my family as an instrument to draw my young sister into the church after I joined many years earlier.  All my sister's joined very quickly after I entered the waters of baptism, but my last sister jumped in after my infant son suddenly passed away...she was the last person in my family to hold him and enjoy his perfection.  God is in control --we just need to live in the light we love and trust....but let us truly trust it and dispel fear.  Love to you and your brother."

Do you find yourself struggling to make  ends meet?  Never vacationing, battling health ailments because you give so much, repurposing furniture over and over for the next need, and crying out to God  for your next daily sustaining meal?

You're not alone, carry on. You are building eternal worth. 

Love from a tired, BLESSED Mommy --