Beautiful Baby Shane...
I know you are aware of all that our little family has faced over the last year, the heartache and trials that have come our way, I can't help but feel you are so very blessed to enjoy the presence of peace and love with the Lord...but we still miss you so very much. Year after year, it seems so hard to endure to the moment where that peace will be granted, but we must...for you in our arms again...we must. Tiny angel, beautiful baby boy....Happy Birthday...
I went to bed last night with the thoughts of your delivery so fresh and vivid in my mind. Memories flooded back and tears fell as I was drawn back the moment I looked at your beautiful face for the first time. You were born at 3:07am...you came after a beautiful labor...one that was nearly impossible to endure at the end. From 12:30 am to 3am, I was 9cm; I screamed in agony to endure the last 2 1/2 hours of labor naturally....I had to convince the doctor to allow me to push so that I would dilate to 10--she finally let me...and you came. I thought I would die. Now, as life has continued on for 4 years, I almost feel that I will be required to go into the valley of death to have you again--yes, it has been so very hard. I plead with the Lord to ease some of the pain and heartache that we face, but it keeps coming...I wonder what 2 1/2 hours is like relative to a life time... But the peace I felt as I held you for the first time was worth every tear, and it will be worth it again. Daddy left the hospital at 5am to get some shut eye at home--he only showered and drove back a few hours later! I called my Mom after Daddy left to let her know of your sweet arrival and then tried to lay beside you. You were swaddled in your bassinet--pushed snug against the right side of my bed. I admired you. My watch, purchased at Target the day before (meant for timing my contractions) was on the bedside table. It started to beep...alarming. I frantically picked it up and pushed every button to silence it--I was afraid it would wake you from your peaceful sleep. I silenced it eventually...and you continued to sleep. I would give anything to be back in that moment as I protected you from waking after the long hard night we faced. I can't imagine the joy that I will feel when you wake from the long sleep that your little body has fallen into. Beautiful boy...I miss you so very much.
Today, we celebrated your little life, your big beautiful spirit that continues to live, and the happiness that fills our hearts with the knowledge of the gift you are to us. We had donuts for breakfast...what four year old boy wouldn't love a bunch of chocolate icing donuts? We went to Apple Bee's for lunch with gift cards Aunt Sara gave us last March. We went there after your pictures March 27, 2007...you slept through the entire lunch. Connor had a blue balloon that day that flew away from him as we left the restaurant...he was heart broken; only days later his little blue angel flew away too. He honored you by giving you a blue carnation on the day we said our final goodbyes--he will be so proud to hold his Baby Shane again one day.
Today we laughed at Little Maya...your newest little sister...and we loved her so very much! There are moments when she bears great resemblance to you.
There's your big brother...Aiden O! He was only 19 months when you were born. He looked at your picture today and pouted as he exclaimed how much he misses you! If you were here, you would be his second hand accomplice for mischief!
And Connor...as old as he is getting, he still remembers you like gold. I think he always will.
We went and watched airplanes fly away today...how fitting. Connor was a pilot...his siblings were fabulous co-pilots!
When we got home, the kiddos huddled together and looked at books, tore books, dreamed of all the toys they want, and enjoyed being kids. I always see pictures of my children and want the world to know that there is another one...I am a proud mother of five...not only four. But you know, my dear husband knows, and the Lord knows....that matters.
We decorated the tree...our Birthday tradition for you...our Christmas baby, and this year we had the pleasure of laughing at Maya as she sought the ornaments and lights in fascination. You have some cute little sisters!
Happy Birthday baby boy...it's one year closer to you...
I love you...so...very...much. The girls were in bed tonight after scriptures. Me, Daddy, Connor, and Aiden sang Happy Birthday to you...the four of us...missing you, as though you were just here....
I love you...Mommy
10 comments:
I really don't know what to say, but just know I love you and my heart aches for you! Every time I see someone struggling or feeling what comes from this trial my heart breaks for them. Hang in there, one day we'll hold them again!
Crystal, I hurt for you...but thank you for sharing your beautiful letter to little Shane. I can't believe he'd be 4! You are such an example to be of how to still be a loving mother to all of your children, while still remembering and honoring your little boy. I hope I can continue to be as brave and strong as you. I love the title of your blog. "One day closer to you". It's so very true... a count-down to pure happiness one day. love you!
It was hard to read your post through tears. Beautiful, inspiring words and beautiful family. Love you!
Oh Crystal how I wish I could hug you! Thank you for sharing this...you are so strong and you have such a beautiful family...all 7 of you! Praying for joy, peace and blessings for you and your family.
Love Amy
Crystal your really inspire me with your words. I think you honored Shane so well. He is lucky to have such an amazing family. Isn't it comforting to know that the spirit world is so near? Hugs to you!!!
So honest and inspiring. It reminds me to hold my little ones a little longer, kiss them a little more and yell a little less. Thank you for reminding me of the preciousness of time and the joy that comes from the gospel.
happy family you have...
for some nice pictures of food you can check ours
http://greenjars.yolasite.com
Once again I am crying at your words of love. You are such a strong amazing woman. Crystal every year at this time I think of you and your family. The same way I do in March. What a perfect birthday gift to baby Shane. I know he is always watching over you. Steve and you have wrote a beautiful story with the way you love, live, and honor your perfect son. May each day be a little easier as you get one step closer to holding him in your arms again. We love you all so much.
What a wonderful way to honor baby Shane. Time as a family doing the things that remind you of the time you spent with Shane must be so important. Godspeed is such a sweet song. That will always make me think of baby Shane. Love you and the family.
Crystal, From the moment I met you I knew you were an amazing woman. We were only in your ward for a short time which I am sad about. In that short time and through your inspiring words you have been such an example to me. I didn't know you during your time with Shane and actually never knew much about that time in your life. All I know about it are the things you have shared in your blog. I now have a four month old girl and it breaks my heart to think of anything happening to her. Thank you for helping me treasure my angel. You have an amazing family and are an amazing example to me. HUGS!
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