Listen to the quiet whisper of.....

Yes, listen to the whisper of the letter  

"Hh"....."huh"!

It is quite comical to teach relentlessly, the happy helpful letter "Hh" all week, go to the depths of stopping at every letter "Hh" word to sound out and identify our adventurous discoveries of "Hh" words, even spend an entire day decoupaging hats, because kindergarten  (and 4th....and 6th grade) is best when there's still fun and play, and then sit to review what we learned this week...... 

Let's just say, I smiled a grin of confusion and terror towards my boys  who looked on in anticipation as I asked the girls what the word "hat" starts with, "listen 'huh'", and they started yelling in excitement, "A, C, no Eeeee!!!"

(long silent pause...with a look of "happy helplessness" towards my boys, as they looked at me wide eyed, grinning in disbelief, and shook their heads silently). I then said, " IT'S 'H!!!' You did so good this week, we will try even harder next week!". Lydia resoponded with, "I'm learning though huh mommy!!! I'M LEARNING!!!!"  Right at that moment, my heart rang with pure joy; the day we spent together will always be far more important than the hasty acquisition of skills and recollection. 

My oldest son finished his work today, watched me cutting the cardboard pieces to our hats we would decoupage, placed his arms around me, layed his head on my shoulder (soon enough it will be on my head😌) and just cuddled and  stared at the work I was completing. He is growing so fast, and with it, he shows me daily that the bond he has with me is tight, trusting, and so very loving. I am grateful for the expressions of love my children easily show me, and I am so grateful that it is the easiest thing I can do...to love  them completely.   Will post pictures of the hat dress up tomorrow!

All the while, Daddy spent his day in more work related coarses with little  sleep, at the expense of spending precious time with our kiddos on a Daddy/children fun date night yesterday. I know he would have been in heaven creating the goofiest hat ever, but know Stephen Fultz, that we spoke of you and your adventures last night with excitement. As the day and night beckon you to work, we pray and speak of you through it all. 

Lasting Memories.....From an Homeschooling Mom

I spy:

Four loving children with smiles, hugs, and cuddly bodies to nap with all afternoon.  (For three hours, my adoring children rotated seats so they all had a chance to curl with me as I slipped  into a slumber on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, smashed between their radiating warmth, as every earthly care was swept away.)   The children the Lord has given me are so equally enthralled with me as I am with them--even at our awful and ugly moments,we somehow quickly see the pain in each other, make a hasty recompense, and hug even tighter with deeper "I love yous"!  I can't give words to the beauty I see in my children. Moments at the physical pediatric check ups we recently had, when my children were asked who their favorite friend was, and their gut response was their siblings--those times leave my heart leaping with joy. Then hearing Lydia proclaim Connor as her favorite, and watching as the girls seek long tight hugs and kisses from their big Brothers at night --well, those moments are glimpses of perfection. 

I also spy:

Two brave souls with testimonies to share amongst a congregation today, spontaneously, and moved by their love of God. My sweet Connor had finished his testimony when Lydia proclaimed her desire to do so --without hesitation, he walked her back up to the podium and rounded his arms upon her shoulders in comfort  as he patiently guided her before allowing her to walk to the podium solo; with the simple zeal and love she has of her Savior, she sweetly proclaimed that she believes He lives. Me too, baby girl --all of eternity lies  upon that time when He lived, atoned, and over-came the grave. She speaks of Him daily, I can't imagine she would have anything else to proclaim!

I also spy:

A lizard perched on the window screen!  Since our photo was a lizard photo bomb, you can hence forth and forever spot a stack of dirty  dishes that became a last agenda item on such a relaxing Sabbath day.

The beauty of homeschool is the ability we have to work on our schedule. I have high standards for the brilliant minds amongst me, but in the last year I have learned so much about me, about society as we know it, and then about how life really is meant to be. 

First of all, what I've learned about me is highly correlated to the society we have lived in for the last several decades. We are all meant to excel in the same ways.  If you rise at 6am, rush the children to school by 7:30am, get a run in sometime between there and your 9-5 job, whether it's a career of monetary reward or a journey of motherhood that is so far under appreciated...if you have done all that by 5pm, the world says you are on the path to success. Yet, it doesn't end there, it continues with dinner, homework, organized activities, all the things which create visions of us pulling our  hair out inside while we smile the "Jones like" smile outwardly.  At days end, on occasion, we tell ourselves we have finally done enough, and all too sadly, we feel it is a requirement of gaining worth. 

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that many of our lives are created and lived through the demands that society has placed upon us! However, in the last year that I have been home with my children and have made the decision to take them out of school, I continued   to place the demands of a society that I had withdrawn from, upon me and my family. My worth was completely based on my productivity according to the time schedule we kept when I worked a night shift job, the vigor I had while simultaneously training for a marathon, the unfathomable strength to stay up day and night to  care for my children and work amongst the most sickly of children in the hospital, and then the outward love to send a few children to school, for their good, with everything they needed to complete their tasks on a daily basis. When I stopped working and could hardly crawl outs bed, and then even started homeschool, I told myself that if I wasn't up by 7 AM, and if I hadn't been on  a run before their school day began , I felt I was worthless and lazy. Little did I realize, that being ill in ways that can't fully be spoken, but in ways that can only be felt, was reason enough for me to fall away from that structured system that was placed upon me by a society that I wasn't living amongst anymore!  Perhaps being ill for years now has been a blessing. The amount of work I do, the less sleep I get to accomplish more tasks, and the hundreds of runs I take cannot equate my worth. My worth is dependent upon how well I endured the  pain, how deeply I loved in every circumstance, and how often I trusted God to be in ultimate control. Really, to be worth gold, I only needed to believe I was, and then stop being consumed by the false notion that another's standard is "success", for God knows the Winters and Springs of my life, and only He will rightfully love me through them all. Change happens in small and almost seemingly inconspicuous moments. This year,our schedule is based on what we are capable of accomplishing. We don't get to bed at 7 o'clock every night, the children usually are not dressed before 10 AM, and breakfast is sometimes a late morning meal that feels more like lunch, but we always feel the desire and the urge to do our best and smile amongst everything which has been given to us. For the first time in a long time, I have allowed me and my children to live life based on what we are doing and not on what society and their definition of productivity claims we should be doing, or even what we haven't done.  We accomplish mountains of work, and more than that we do it in a relaxed environment and with happiness in our souls.  Every moment has become an opportunity to learn something new and to develop the bonds of love and trust between the people who will always be there for each other, my children, my husband, and then my children as each other's siblings, and as best friends. They are all so lovely. I am blessed beyond measure to have them. 

Still Here!

Thought we fell off the face of the earth?

Well, SURPRISE, we are still here!

To "sum" it all up...

I have four amazing and beautiful children who the delight me every day with their schoolwork! While I am busy grading papers, or love notes (see below), my husband is busy saving lives!

I made the challenging and grand decision to keep my two young girls home this year with me. I pulled the boys out of school a year ago and started homeschooling them in all of their subjects last year.  I had planned on putting my oldest daughter into school this year so she could learn the basics and the foundations of becoming a fluent learner, but as the summer approached I felt God pulling me into a direction that I didn't want to go! However, I typically don't fight the promptings that are given to me, and this time was no different, I didn't fight! My girls are home with me, and everything has fallen into place perfectly; I regard that as God's hand in my life. What I thought would be one of my greatest challenges, has turned into my greatest blessing! Being a mother is hard enough when you don't see the fruits of your labor's immediately, but being a mother who schools your children in all subjects becomes even harder because the fruits of education take years to plant, and then even more years to harvest!  It is amazing, however, that being an effective educator with little children is quite honestly like being a wonderful mother! We play, we sing, and we sit together to draw and write! I see the progress in my children with daily repetitive routines, and then I realize that I wouldn't want my life to be any other way!  My son Aiden informed me last year that his worst subject was math--he loathed it. I took that fear from him, and gave him significant one-on-one time to build a confidence in the subject. This year, though it seemed bizarrely inappropriate according to the standards we were all raised on, I started him on the same book he had been working on last year! (Bizarrely inappropriate relates to the thinking of the world, I am guided by the thinking and the desires of our Heavenly Father for my children!). When he started the book this year, everything made perfect sense! He writes the problems with out hesitation, he completes his work with a smile on his face, and then he happily confirms to me that he now likes math! I am incredibly grateful that I can be an instrument to allow his mind to work at the pace it is required to work to gain knowledge and understanding! In the end, it doesn't matter how much, how great, and even how fast we have obtained knowledge, it will only matter that we put 100% effort into it!  I have been caught proclaiming the great load of the work that is on my shoulders as a mother to all of my children who are with me 24 hours a day, seven days a week!  I will not lie, it is hard!!! However, when I really lay everything on the table, I realize I have been given far more than they have taken from me! I am able to receive their love, their adoration, and their gratitude on a daily basis! A mother could ask for no more! The icing on the cake comes in little moments like this--after a week of cheerleading my son in his math assignment, I found that he not only did his work on this day "solo", but he did it in about 15 minutes, and with the thrill and love seen below!  

I say my life is completely full! It is full of beautiful blessings that I can enjoy company with daily!

The "sum" of us is far different than the "sum" we are taught in school:

      HERE-- 1 (mom)+1(dad)+ 5(children)+1(savior)= ONE

Freedom -- A Gift From God!

FREEDOM does not come easily and the birth of this great nation, after independence was declared, required the shedding of much blood. I pray that we will do our part to ensure that such a treasure is maintained and strengthened with the help of Heaven. God wants this nation and the concept of FREEDOM to prevail, for it is His concept and design. FREEDOM is the way by which we can become like He is! It is the very thing that allows us to know the difference between good and evil. Let us now judge for ourselves the path that we are one as individuals and as a nation. The solution and resolve must begin at home, but we can and we MUST be engaged in the activity that is required of a free people. I think this gift is best summed up in the words of Thomas Paine, in The American Crisis. And we face times similar to those which he spoke of in his priceless pamphlet.

"These are the times that try men's souls: The summer soldiers and the sunshine patriots will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands NOW, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we often esteem too lightly: - 'Tis dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to set a proper price upon its goods; and it [would] be strange indeed, if so celestial and article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated. Britain, with an army to enforce her tyranny, has declared, that she has a right (not only to TAX) but "to BIND us all in ALL CASES WHATSOEVER," and if being bound in that manner is not slavery, then is there not such a thing as slavery upon earth. Even the expression is impious, for so unlimited a power can belong only to GOD."

And so, FREEDOM, as Paine truthfully wrote, is a gift from God. It ought not be granted or taken away by man. And any nation or ruler who attempts to limit such a gift is only being an instrument of darkness and fulfilling the wishes of Satan. It is darkness! And to allow FREEDOM to slowly slip away is a foolish mistake. For once FREEDOM disappears, by way of government, it will likely not return for our eyes to see. It may even remain outside the grasp of our children as well. But one thing is certain. When Christ the Lord returns, He will restore FREEDOM to this nation, and to all mankind as it is meant to be.

We live in the Last Days; the times foretold by ancient prophets. Nothing can be done to prevent the events that have been prophesied, but we can choose to be the people who preserve and hold onto FREEDOM. We can take back the rights and privileges that belong in the hands of the people and return government to its rightfully limited place. But we cannot return to maximum FREEDOM if we are asking government to provide for our every want at the same time. Nothing comes free, and as Thomas Paine wrote, those things which come easy are rarely appreciated. If we want things to change and get back to their proper place and order, we must begin to perfect our lives at home. We will all make mistakes of our own, and because of our Savior, we can be forgiven and set FREE!!! We can and must also be involved in voting for and running for various leadership positions in our government. It is pathetic and shameful that we do not have 100% participation from eligible voters in this country. My fear is that we are too far disconnected from the price of FREEDOM to understand the cost. Pride has set in and it prevents us from participating in the ways that we ought to in order to maintain the very thing which allows us to ignore our responsibilities. But we are FREE to choose!

With all of that being said. I am grateful for those who have sacrificed to give us what we have. I am grateful to live in the land in which I live; The United States of America. I am grateful for my Savior who gave all of us the priceless gift of the Atonement which allows us all to be FREE. Today, we celebrated, as a family, the birthday of one of our children. The future will soon be in the hands of our children and we must leave them with something more hopeful than what we have now. We must use common sense! We must protect FREEDOM!!!

GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

Father -- A Forever Title

As a new day  breaks on the east coast of the United States, and I contemplate laying down to sleep on the other side of the country, I reflect on fathers, especially my own. Society once appreciated and honored the men that were a part of them. But I now wonder if we, as men, are considered to be something of value; anything unique. The role of men has been diminished and made to seem irrelevant, as more and more women enter the work force and take on roles that were once considered the duties of men. Certainly, it is acceptable for women to work and do what men do, but it appears to me as though it is happening so frequently and unnecessarily that men are feeling castrated in a sense; they lack confidence. There is a loss of pride and honor. But those feelings are the feelings of the devil. They are placed there on purpose for the works of darkness and the further breakdown of families. But men and fathers, and those who are future fathers, it is time to stand up and BE MEN! It is time to regain your standing and your rightful place as sons of God on Earth. And as such, we are meant, when possible, to PROVIDE, PRESIDE, and PROTECT! This is something you know to be true. It is innate in men. Just as women are given innate qualities that allow them to NURTURE, as well. And together, in a family unit, it works perfectly. I am certainly grateful for those men and fathers who have given me someone to look to for an example of truth and righteousness. The fathers of my faith and the fathers of this great nation of the United States of America are a few of those men. I have been blessed to have a father of my own who has also provided a righteous example for me to follow.

I wish I had a picture of my father, but I don't. If I did, you would see the light of Christ in his eyes, and notice both a strength and softness about his presence. If you could watch him you would see him endlessly give of his time and talents in the care of others. You would see a husband who has learned to endure many nights of laying down on his pillow alone, while his hard working wife is still out wrapping up the work day as much of the world retires to their own homes and beds. You would see a son who would drive 2 hrs each way every Saturday for weeks on end to help build a house for his father, for which no financial reward is had. But he knows of the priceless treasures he will find in honoring and serving his parents. If you could see the works of his past and present amongst his family you would also find a brother who loves, serves, and protects his siblings... you would find an uncle who treats his nieces and nephews as his own, even driving long distances to attend events in their honor...a father who would lay down his life for his children; who suffers silently when they suffer; who cries when they cry...You would find a grandpa who cuddles and loves on his grand kids, enduring the explosion of life that occurs within the children when both he and grandma are around...and you would find a son in law who sacrifices and serves his mother in law when the projects don't always make sense because she is a project herself. And most importantly, you would find a man of God, who loves his Heavenly Father, through the works of his hands, which is apparent in all that he does. He is a man who leads by example. He rarely says a word of himself and his circumstances, but is interested in others and their needs. He is a man who holds the Priesthood and uses it righteously in the service of others. It may sound to good to be true, but that which I speak of is the truth! Is he perfect? No! But I wouldn't have it any other way! God gave me a father who through the years has shown me great growth in his service of Jesus Christ, his love of family,  and his tolerance and patience for others through the trials and obstacles of life. That is strength. That is character...to have weaknesses and be humble enough to give yourself over to the Father and have those weaknesses be molded into strengths. And that often comes in the furnace of affliction. I have a father who has loved me through all of my stupidity. He has endured pain and loss alongside me and my family. He would give the shirt off his back for myself, my wife, or my kids...and probably any of you! And in a sense, he probably has many times over when times were hard and he gave of his hard earned income to see us through. Most importantly, my earthly father has given me an example to follow to become like my Heavenly Father!

In an attempt to describe my Heavenly Father, a lot would be the same. Heavenly Father loves others and treats them like he would like to be treated himself. Heavenly Father gives and gives and gives endlessly, accepting a mere showing of love in return, which causes him to give even more. Heavenly Father is there to listen, even in the middle of the night. Heavenly Father is everything that we want and need, because He is perfect and we are His creations. He knows us! He Loves us! He wants us all to be like Him and have all that He has, in order to do what He has done and continues to do.

But until that time, let's continue to look forward, constantly watchful of the righteous examples of our fathers. Let's remember the heroes that we sometimes call "dad". Men, let's remember to be men and restore the proper balance of our society, where fathers PROVIDE, PRESIDE, and PROTECT...and where mothers NURTURE and EDUCATE their children. And both husbands and wives work together with our Heavenly Father's help to assist in bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children. And to all of men, I hope you had a special Father's Day, for you are of infinite worth!

"...Fatherhood is not a matter of station or wealth; it is a matter of desire, diligence, and determination to see one’s family exalted in the celestial kingdom. If that prize is lost, nothing else really matters" ~ Ezra Taft Benson

Hastening Change When Your Body Fights You...

Not long ago, I was running around with my little sister....literally.  We ran round, and round, and round.  I trained hard for a marathon, got injured in my last few weeks of training, and decided to simply run the half marathon.

Training long and hard for that run was one of my best memories--for me and the children that I hauled in a double jogging stroller over  rough terrain for hours at a time.  While training went remarkably well, and I found myself busting out easy 9 minute miles on practice runs, the day of the race was terrible.  I couldn't relate it to anything at all.  Was it the surge of emotion going through me as I dedicated the run to my baby boy who died on that very day, in that lovely county we once called home, 5 years prior?  Was it my fear of getting hurt again?  Was is a fear of racing, something I hadn't done in awhile?

By the end of the race I was certain that it wasn't any of those things...I must be sick. I was pale, nauseous, and feeling completely out of my normal element.

My mother in law and my twin sister both commented on how they thought I'd be busting out the miles and killing them in the process, because their common motto for me was, "Crystal is strong!"  Whether it was to encourage me through hard times, or to relate what they really thought, it helped.  On that day, however, where was strong?  Where was the swift runner that had to naturally increase the pace in order to gain a shortness of breath again?  Where was Crystal?

I thought little of the logic behind the aching run when it was said and done, I simply tried to put it behind me. I admit, it worked for a little while.  However, life took a quick turn, and that day stays with me as a reminder that who I am today is not a coincidence or a punishment for anything I have personally done; who I am today is what God has required of me.  Some days it hurts more than others.  Some days, it leads me to tackle more and work harder.  Some days, it wraps me in grief as I wonder "why?"

Fast forward 2 years and 2 months from the date I ran that half marathon.

I have always lived a healthy life--never indulged in alcohol, too much fast food, or some of the challenging things people find themselves trapped in.  That's not to say I haven't had my own struggles and little cravings and love for food--we all do, it's part of the joy in life.  I lived 32 years healthy as I could.  After every baby, I worked hard with diet and exercise to get the baby weight off, I counted calories like the big time people tell you to, added protein supplements, and found every way I could to take the kids along for the journey....a single jogger turned into a double jogger, and the treadmill became a circus night as the children gauged how far and high they could go after my run was complete.  Even the last 2 years have been full of attempts to access that life again, but just like that run on March 31, 2012, something has not been the same....and fighting that change is harder than ever.

I recently received a very thorough run down of some of my labs that have been reading off the charts.  That, with a few other symptoms that I have never suffered has left me wondering what exactly is happening.  Long story short--the deeper labs showed off the wall activity.  The body is amazing when it fights to maintain homeostasis--that happy place in every body system you can think of--respiratory, circulation, digestion, neurological, etc.  However, when it is constantly fatigued by a "stressor"--like a parent is shot to the ground by the rounds of tears over accidents here and there all day long by a toddler who is learning self control while leaping into exploration--it ends up losing momentum and giving up.

What are the bodies "stressors"?  That's the question which yields answers that are different for each and every one of us.  My first indication that something was wrong was when I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Hypothyroidism in 2012.  Hashimotos is an inflammatory condition in which my body, for some unknown reason, starts to attack the thyroid with antibodies--those wonderful suckers that are meant to attack foreign invasions!!!  No, MY thyroid is not foreign, but my body thinks it is.  Naturally, when your body attacks itself, you officially have an autoimmune condition. As the last few years have passed, more lab values went sky rocket high as I have been on treatment for the thyroid problem.

An autoimmune condition isn't just an autoimmune condition.  Something has to trigger it to start.  It can be burn out,  food allergies, genetics--a multitude of factors can play into the big picture.

Now is the time when the search for my triggers needs to kick into gear.  If I can't find them, the risk for heart problems, stroke, and even diabetes are extremely high--they presently are as it is.  Now, after 2 years of fighting one disease I am gonna tackle the threat and deeper onset of many more.  I was doing my research today and came across a quote:

"Excess inflammation is a major cause of disease in our modern times.  It is linked to diabetes, cancer, heart disease, arthritis, and even the aging process.  This makes reducing inflammation one of the most important ways to promote health and longevity."


I have no idea how living greater than 90% of your life at an optimal weight with a ton of exercise has led to such a bad picture.  Regardless, it is what I need right now for a reason.  I believe we each have time stamp upon us.  Every day we live is numbered by our Father in heaven.  We are asked to live in exactness and truth, but no matter how exact and honest our lives are, we must give over total control to Him.  He is the sealer of our fate, the master behind the script, and the loving arms we will fall into one day, after the struggle is over.

I have a husband and four young children who need me, ever so much. They are my life.  When the demands of caring for me become too much, and I neglect myself for a time, my pure love for them kicks in and allows me to care for them still.  Transitioning to taking the time for me needs to commence...so I can be here for them.

Let the challenge begin...."may the odds be ever in your (okay, my) favor"!

I Know a Name, a Glorious Name...MOTHER!!!!

We have all just celebrated the greatest among us, mothers. If it were not for them, none of us would exist. It is because of both fathers and mothers that we are here, but ultimately it is our mothers who brought us forth into this world. They are beautiful vessels who have fulfilled the measure of their creation. We owe our deepest gratitude and fondest of feelings to her, who gave us life. To my own personal mother and my dearest wife, the mother of all my children, I love you both! You have both given me life in different ways. You have both helped shape me into a better man. You have both strengthened me. You have loved me when nobody else would, and at times when either one of the two of you didn't want to for one reason or another. I am here today and continue pressing forward because of you two special ladies. Your love gives me strength and your mercy teaches me to love and become softer; gentler; sweeter. You have both sacrificed of yourself in order to help both myself and my kids thrive and feel loved. You both, as with many mothers, put yourself before others while utilizing your last bits of energy to survive. But when the time comes, that you are face to face with your Maker and the ones you have loved, you will find that they will honor your names. They will praise you for doing as Christ himself did, serving others when in reality you were the ones worthy of being served. And one of the truest signs of love and sacrifice I know has been displayed in the usage of just one word. The word again, being a form of mother. For as time has passed and marriage allowed for me to be blessed by another daughter of God, that angel whom I call my wife, now refers to my mother affectionately as "mom".

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~ Washington Irving