I spy:
Four loving children with smiles, hugs, and cuddly bodies to nap with all afternoon. (For three hours, my adoring children rotated seats so they all had a chance to curl with me as I slipped into a slumber on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, smashed between their radiating warmth, as every earthly care was swept away.) The children the Lord has given me are so equally enthralled with me as I am with them--even at our awful and ugly moments,we somehow quickly see the pain in each other, make a hasty recompense, and hug even tighter with deeper "I love yous"! I can't give words to the beauty I see in my children. Moments at the physical pediatric check ups we recently had, when my children were asked who their favorite friend was, and their gut response was their siblings--those times leave my heart leaping with joy. Then hearing Lydia proclaim Connor as her favorite, and watching as the girls seek long tight hugs and kisses from their big Brothers at night --well, those moments are glimpses of perfection.
I also spy:
Two brave souls with testimonies to share amongst a congregation today, spontaneously, and moved by their love of God. My sweet Connor had finished his testimony when Lydia proclaimed her desire to do so --without hesitation, he walked her back up to the podium and rounded his arms upon her shoulders in comfort as he patiently guided her before allowing her to walk to the podium solo; with the simple zeal and love she has of her Savior, she sweetly proclaimed that she believes He lives. Me too, baby girl --all of eternity lies upon that time when He lived, atoned, and over-came the grave. She speaks of Him daily, I can't imagine she would have anything else to proclaim!
I also spy:
A lizard perched on the window screen! Since our photo was a lizard photo bomb, you can hence forth and forever spot a stack of dirty dishes that became a last agenda item on such a relaxing Sabbath day.
First of all, what I've learned about me is highly correlated to the society we have lived in for the last several decades. We are all meant to excel in the same ways. If you rise at 6am, rush the children to school by 7:30am, get a run in sometime between there and your 9-5 job, whether it's a career of monetary reward or a journey of motherhood that is so far under appreciated...if you have done all that by 5pm, the world says you are on the path to success. Yet, it doesn't end there, it continues with dinner, homework, organized activities, all the things which create visions of us pulling our hair out inside while we smile the "Jones like" smile outwardly. At days end, on occasion, we tell ourselves we have finally done enough, and all too sadly, we feel it is a requirement of gaining worth.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that many of our lives are created and lived through the demands that society has placed upon us! However, in the last year that I have been home with my children and have made the decision to take them out of school, I continued to place the demands of a society that I had withdrawn from, upon me and my family. My worth was completely based on my productivity according to the time schedule we kept when I worked a night shift job, the vigor I had while simultaneously training for a marathon, the unfathomable strength to stay up day and night to care for my children and work amongst the most sickly of children in the hospital, and then the outward love to send a few children to school, for their good, with everything they needed to complete their tasks on a daily basis. When I stopped working and could hardly crawl outs bed, and then even started homeschool, I told myself that if I wasn't up by 7 AM, and if I hadn't been on a run before their school day began , I felt I was worthless and lazy. Little did I realize, that being ill in ways that can't fully be spoken, but in ways that can only be felt, was reason enough for me to fall away from that structured system that was placed upon me by a society that I wasn't living amongst anymore! Perhaps being ill for years now has been a blessing. The amount of work I do, the less sleep I get to accomplish more tasks, and the hundreds of runs I take cannot equate my worth. My worth is dependent upon how well I endured the pain, how deeply I loved in every circumstance, and how often I trusted God to be in ultimate control. Really, to be worth gold, I only needed to believe I was, and then stop being consumed by the false notion that another's standard is "success", for God knows the Winters and Springs of my life, and only He will rightfully love me through them all. Change happens in small and almost seemingly inconspicuous moments. This year,our schedule is based on what we are capable of accomplishing. We don't get to bed at 7 o'clock every night, the children usually are not dressed before 10 AM, and breakfast is sometimes a late morning meal that feels more like lunch, but we always feel the desire and the urge to do our best and smile amongst everything which has been given to us. For the first time in a long time, I have allowed me and my children to live life based on what we are doing and not on what society and their definition of productivity claims we should be doing, or even what we haven't done. We accomplish mountains of work, and more than that we do it in a relaxed environment and with happiness in our souls. Every moment has become an opportunity to learn something new and to develop the bonds of love and trust between the people who will always be there for each other, my children, my husband, and then my children as each other's siblings, and as best friends. They are all so lovely. I am blessed beyond measure to have them.
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