Off to Utah...day 1...8/26

In the wee hours of the morning, on August 26th, after only 2 hours of sleep, we packed up our car and headed out to Utah for a quick family vacation.

Daddy slept the most on the night prior...so he was given the honor of driving.  I don't know what is better--driving or finding yourself, sick, tired, and hounded by "Mommy, I want's" for 12 plus hours.

We made several stops, and dried many tears...road trips are hard on everyone! 

And half way through we still managed to smile. 

Even the girls found solace in their new strollers....it was heaven compared to a cramped car! 

The boys enjoyed a few sites on one of their "potty breaks"! 

And we were all left in awe over the  many beautiful sited upon this land.

I found myself throwing up into a salad bowl, and then begging Steve to stop as it was filling rapidly (yuck!).  After carrying five children...all of which brought severe sickness for 7 of 9 months, I was able to contain the emesis until we pulled over.  Then, much to my writers minds dismay, I let it all out!  Everywhere....YUCK!!!  I never knew I had motion sickness...

 We arrived at our destination at days end...

The children laughed and screamed as the jetted tub created 10-fold more bubbles than regular running water would create!  But...their sweet soft bodies were clean...and their hearts were happy.

That's all that matters after a long day in a car, far beyond their control. 

 Mommy and Daddy cleaned up too...and a nice night of sleep followed a long hard day!

For every single one of us!

My "numbers mind"!

It's September 3rd.

I wrote that date several times since midnight...it's one of those dates that stood out from about 2359 on September 2nd.  I was writing in the information on my patients flow sheet for today...September 3rd, and I caught myself innocently clinging to a fascination with the date.  My "numbers mind" silently inquired what the significance of September 3rd really could be...as it had not found a significance known to me to this date.  

I didn't seek it...it just came!

It became a day of great "feeling" for who I am, who I really am...who we REALLY are.

There is beauty in understanding divinity.  There is godliness and tender strength in "feeling" the nature of the light which resides within us...and others.  When that is felt, it is hard to contain the spirit de luz, the spirit of light, it radiates from the beholder...testifying to the world, "I know who I am!".  I felt that today.  I felt that for myself...I felt that for others.  I recalled my patriarchal blessing and looked in awe over the "daughter" that I am and have been chosen to be.

September 3rd will stand as a day that drew me close to piercing the veil of my mortal eyes, and if that's all it is significant for, then it has done it's job.

I came home to my children this morning.

I came home from caring for others children, to caring for mine.

These are low key days; I am the only parent in the home, as Steve is working, I am tired and physically exhausted, and my spirit must carry me for the next 24-30 hours.  My first job involves assuring the safety and well being of MY children, and that will last until 1800 when I leave to fulfill my second job again, assuring the safety and well being of other parents' children.

How symbolic that the Lord would share this sacred information with me on a day in which my physical nature is so weak...allowing my spirit to take over.

Maya hugged me as soon as I walked into the door.  Her little body grabbed me and expressed sweet, pure love!  As I bathed, she grabbed a wipe from a container sitting around and threw it into the water and laughed at my hair waving back and forth in the water...just as hers does every evening! I felt her joy and thrill as she threw the wipe onto me, and I squealed in laughter at her cute gestures; it took her by surprise, and I intended to...

then I basked in the "feeling" of peace that her laugh brought me.

I allowed her to turn on the hot water, and as her hand gently reached, within centimeters, of the flowing beauty that held hidden danger, I warned her, "Baby, the water is hot, be careful!" Her little fingers brushed the water and pulled themselves back as she "felt" the hot stream sting her skin, but she withdrew in time to be saved from pain; she then giggled at her discovery and we turned the water off together.

I then "felt" the heat of that water, as it's energy pierced the metal spout which my hand braced to steady myself as I lifted my body out of the tub.  How bizarre that the very thing I warn my children of can be there waiting for me, in a different angle, to teach me how to "feel", even if feeling is painful.

I then placed my daughter into my arms and felt her little body relax into mine, I snuggled her, and felt sleep coming over her as she felt the love which was pouring out of my fingers and lips.

Our spirits communicate through the art of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Our physical body is an amazing symbol to teach us of the divinity of our spiritual nature.  We literally feel the pain of hot stinging water, and the scorching capacity of metal, warmed by that water.  We physically feel the warmth of being snuggled under blankets and in the arms of those we love.  How deep the physical senses are to remind us of our spirits and how their entire form of communication is through tuning, listening, and feeling who we really are.

How divine that spiritual nature is when it is seen through the eyes of the heart...through feeling the spirit grasp your heart, take over the physical body, and speak so clearly as to who you are, who you really are in every shape and form.  It is a veil piercing experience.  I felt the effects of the spirit through the entire morning, even to the moment I layed my physical body down for a slight renewal of energy.  I received but a few minutes...maybe 30...before my Lydia was begging me to take care of her, and when I woke, that feeling was gone.  How strong that spiritual feeling is, that reminder of who we are, and how sad it felt to have it there, but dimmed, as my physical body gained a small degree of strength back.

I would give anything to feel as close to the veil as I did this morning, when my spirit carried my tired body, and my physical body no longer triumphed, in feeling, over my radiating spirit.

It is a beautiful thing.
The closest physical way I have felt that spiritual sense at it's fullest is by simply looking into another persons eyes who knows who they are...they are windows to the soul!

To Be Perfect, Even For a Moment!

I never dreamed that I would be the luckiest little girl in the world at the end of August in 2012.  I say that because we planned a trip out to Park City UT for the end of August a few months back...for a specific purpose in mind.  At that time, I wasn't aware that I would be blessed enough to spend my 13 year Anniversary as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints walking temple square, visiting the Tabernacle and Conference Center, and basking in the light that is felt in the shadows of the temple.

It is ironic isn't it?

How do you feel light in the shadows which are cast?

Oh, believe me...the shadows of life are what truly do bring light in the end...

for the eye that can see, and the ear that can hear. 

Thirteen years ago I was a little teenager just out of high school...

I wanted direction...

I wanted truth!

Thirteen years ago, my Father in Heaven heard my silent and verbal prayers.

He sent me a beautiful friend, at a very calculated time..

Miss Anna!

Through her sweet testimony of two basic truths:

1. The temple, as a place for families to be sealed for time and all eternity

and

2. Her Savior Jesus Christ

I was led into a path which would prove to be the most fertile ground for me to step foot upon.

Are there shadows there?

Absolutely!!! 

Yet, I know who can cast those shadows and fears from me, I KNOW now who I am, where I came from, and where I will go if I am faithful and true to the end. 

I was then led, by my dear Miss Anna, to a set of missionaries...

young...

faithful...

humble...

and so very ready to teach the Lord's word.

Elder Kuculyn, gentle and well versed in the truths he was teaching, and Elder Lance, new, nervous, but full of zeal for the Lord's work, taught me basic truths and principles which would make living clear as day...

every single day.

From one discussion to the next, I found myself being prepared by the Lord.  Whether it was a set of scriptures I had cleaved to as a young child and teenager, or a prompting to cease seemingly unharmful practices in preparation for the light and knowledge I WAS GOING to receive, it was clear...and so very beautiful...I WAS BEING PREPARED.

It is easy to accept the Lord's will when He so clearly speaks to your mind and heart in such simple ways...it is easy to have the faith of a child, and believe in unseen things; things do not have to be seen to be known, but rather felt in the center of a heart, and through the gentle, warm, and encompassing grasp of the Spirit.

I need not see if I already feel...

to feel truth it to know truth!

In Utah, we decided it would be fitting to celebrate my Birthday early...so we did that today.

We walked into the Tabernacle on Temple square.  I have been here before for events.  I have seen it's beauty.  While Steve and most of the kids walked the aisles, I took a seat in the back and simply gathered the peace...saving it up for my rainy days.

As I looked at the benches, I started seeing numbers and letters which signified the row and column I was in.  In front of me, I saw B-31, and therefore assumed that I was sitting in B-32.  I looked back, confirmed my position, and silently giggled.  If anyone knows the woman I am, they know that I receive great comfort and peace in the communication of numbers.  It is very symbolic to me...if you want to know more of my perceptions, ask me someday!

You see I am celebrating my 32nd Birthday  this week, and we decided to do it today of all days!

Coincidence I sat there?

No...

There are NO coincidences in the Lord's plan, in His GREAT work...

even if something as simple as a number brings me happiness and peace, it is happiness and peace from Him, my Father!

The journey that started 13 years ago this evening as my body was immersed in pure clear water, and then came up bearing resemblance of that water...pure, clean, new, and whole....

was the beginning of a journey of a lifetime.

I recall rising out of the water in spotless white that evening, August 28th, 1999.  I recall being told that I was the the most perfect person in the room at that time...

Oh, to be perfect, even for a moment!

How fitting that this journey of a lifetime started with a sincere testimony of the temple...a place where time is set aside, and eternity is what is prepared and focused on.

How fitting that when times get hard, and shadows of sadness and heartache are cast, I can walk into those temple doors and feel a piece of my eternal divinity.

How fitting that, 13 years ago, I learned these things from such young and humble missionaries that only sought to do the Lord's will.

How fitting that I was young and humble myself, ready to do the Lord's will.

How fitting I was allowed to be at this place, on this day, thirteen years later, as I feel closer to my baptismal experiences than I have in a LONG time.

How fitting?

Yes!

Coincidental?

Absolutely not!

Every detail of our lives are known...

from beginning to end...

How fitting I just received light and knowledge confirming that very truth as I entered the temple last week...

How fitting indeed!

Where Earth Meets Heaven

I've been like the other 99% of the population as of late.

I have been seeking understanding...I have been seeking for goodness and truth.

I am grateful  I have such a simple and clear knowledge  of who I am, and I have been walking a path which gives me direction.

I know I am a daughter of God.

I know I am a Member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

In being such, I know that I have made covenants to act in faith and purity, and to participate in ordinances which prepare me to gain a state of happiness--without death, sorrow, or fear.

I have many sisters: biological, at church, at work, even on the street...in the middle of nowhere.  I can relate to a woman without ever hearing her voice, but seeing her smile or reading her words brings me close to her.

Today, I went to the temple with my Sister Cara.  I have known her since grade school...

I have known her Momma as well...she made us lunch at the temple today!

I went to the  temple after a long month of wondering, praying, and contemplating life.
As a Mormon,  I believe that the temple is the closest place I can get to God.  The temple, I believe, is indeed the House of the Lord.  Yes, there are many temples upon the land which bring hope and peace to many of the temple recommend holders in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
The temple, to me...brings peace, happiness, clarity, strength, and love as my will is tuned closer to the Lord's will through divine and sweet revelation.

I sat through some of the ordinances we participate in at the temple, and I heard things, minute details in a new light.  When it came, I realized that the Lord was teaching me...
"Crystal, I have known from the beginning, before your little feet set themselves upon the Earth who you are, where you would walk...and therefore where you will be in order for me to intervene and assist you in your journey.  I knew, before you came, the ground you would till and the hardships you would bear--they are all known by me and will be for your gain"
Is this knowledge I have always believed?  Yes.
Is this knowledge I now know? Yes.

But, it came with a second witness.

In another room of the temple, I picked up a set of scriptures, sat amongst the beauty and magnificence of the temple in my pure white dress, and I sought instruction.  I had been led to a specific set of scriptures all week long.
But, like most of us, I busied myself with tasks and duties, found myself fatigued and frail...and the study which was sitting and waiting for me...continued to sit...and wait.

When I grabbed the scriptures in the temple, I knew it was time to open to the specific book and chapter in the Book of Mormon my thoughts had been set upon all week long.
I opened to Alma 32.
I read and read...trusting that there was something there that the Lord had to tell me.  I could not walk away without his voice speaking truth to me.  I only had to read a few verses in when it came, so clear...
"...and he beheld with great joy; for he beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and that they were in preparation to hear the word."

Sometimes, it takes pain and sorrow to hear the good things the Lord needs us to know.
That pain and sorrow can bring you to the brink of death...and as the scripture says, "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." it is indeed so.  We do walk through that valley over and over at times...in order to hear rightly what we need to know.

I know that I am a daughter of God.
I know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know that my Savior and Father loves me.
I know that the temple is  a place of peace from the storms of life.
And I KNOW that every minute detail of my life was known from before my mortal existence...and it is all planned as a means to prepare me to know more...to hear more clearly...and to become, one day, a Queen.

I cannot say how I know all these things...but I do know them!

Silhouettes

I had to go into work one night last week for only a few minutes.  I drove in alone...with the rain beating down on my car.  The lightning flashed in the distance amongst a grey, dark, and mysterious sky.  It was dusk, and the world around me was coming to it's close.

As a young working mother, I am rarely alone.

I work all day with children.  And then I often go to work and spend all night with children as well.

To be alone in the car, on a rainly night was heaven to me.

As I walked myself into the hospital, I looked up at the dark, stormy sky.  Amongst all of the clouds gathering together to create torential down pours, I saw a break in the sky.  From the darkness, a few clouds separated to form a baby blue sky, waiting to shine forth through the storm.  It lasted but a moment, and then the patch of light was covered, to reveal more storm clouds...anxiously engaged in releasing their rain upon the earth.

When I took this photo, I only wanted a vision of myself in this beautiful weather which I simply adore...and relate to so very well.  I never intended to see the silhouette of a beautiful tree in the back.

How symbolic this tree has become to me.

This tree obviously has branches full of leaves, beautiful leaves.

Yet, there are branches that appear barren, waiting for the leaves to sprout and form their tangible fruits.

I am only capable of seeing it's silhouette.  I often wonder if I saw the tree in it's fullness, I may not have the patience to make the journey to receive the sweet reality of what the tree offers me in the end.  Yes, some of the fruits are there...awaiting me with the works I have accomplished in this life already.

Yet, there are some branches that still need to develop into creations of beauty.  There are fruits waiting to be formed...and they can only become full and vibrant through the great nurturing work which I give unto it.  

Nevertheless, it is my tree...

waiting...

growing...

expanding in beauty with every step of faith which I take.

I know it's there...but I can only catch a glimpse of it's beauty, a silhouette of it's glory.

One day, I will see the tree I have created with it's true colors...graceful, vibrant, and symbolic for every work which was done to create such grandeur.  Until then, I will bask in the silhouette of what I have worked for, daily strive to do, and indeed hope for...day...after day....after day....

One day, I will see it in color...I will LOVE those beautiful radiant colors my lifes works have painted.

Renal Visits..2 years in!

We had Maya's renal visit last week...

I couldn't resist showing my cute hairdo that day!  I love when throwing my hair up results in something adorable...

No, I am not vain, I just LOVE being a girl, from the hair to the shoes, the clothes and pearls, to the makeup and skirts; don't forget the lotions, oils, and perfumes!  Oh, it is a joy!

My little girl knows that she has to visit the doctor often...

And she knows that when she sets foot into any doctors office, it is usually for her.  This time, she walked in pride, stating, "My ap-oy-nt huh Mom?"

"Yes Maya, this is your appointment!"

But when we got inside and it was her time to be weighed, she began to scream uncontrollably.

I knelt down to her little level, explained things clearly, but it wasn't working.  No frustration set in, no anger or fatigue, just pure sorrow for my baby who's been poked and prodded too many times for both of our likings.

I finally encouraged the nurse to allow me to hold her to receive our combined weight.  She was confused, but played along.  After the 140 something appeared on the display she began to walk us back to our room.  I said, "Oh no, wait!  Connor dear, please hold Maya for me!"  I then proceeded to get my solo weight in order to subtract the difference and give us my little Mayas weight!  

I'm still not sure she understood my rationale!

Maya's sad tears produced a sweet reward.  The doctor, whom I work with, had a little bear brought into my sweetheart.  It was enough to calm her weary mind!

She cuddled her bear...and me!

Her sad eyes came back to haunt me several times in the course of her visit, but she was ultimately left with grins and happiness!

The boys, in order to maintain a decent state of calm mannerisms, decided to practice their meditating skills.

Aiden is mastering these skills, when he chooses to!

And Lydia sought attention by pretending to fall off the bed, seeking a funny reaction from me!

In the end, our renal doctor left me with two statements of solace:

1.  When you go home tonight, remember that you are a good nurse

and

2. When you get home, remember that you did everything you could have to care for the baby at the hospital.

We work together, and on this day, we cried together over the loss we have seen in the PICU.  We shared in the Spirit of our faith, told missionary stories, and ended the visit with a hug of peace and happiness....

a doctor to a nurse...

a brother to a sister...

Now, this is what life is all about...

Carrying each others burdens,

Remembering who we are and reminding others of who they are,

Sharing the Spirit of peace at all times, and in all places that we may be in, 

and smiling...24/7...so that all may see the joy which resides in our hearts.

Usually, he tells me one thing at the end of these visits:

Go home and love your daughter...cherish her!

I do that daily,

but on this day, my heart was mended in hearing things that MY heart needed to hear!

American Ninja Warriors??? Really???