The Infinite Reach of Our Heavenly Father

Something happened to me last night that is too sacred to share in full detail, but I wanted to share a few thoughts about the infinite reach of our Heavenly Father's love. As mortals we have such a finite perspective when it comes to the power of God and how that power is given to man to perform the work in which needs done, as He is not here to do it himself. Sacred ordinances are performed at times by those whom the Lord has called and chosen to carry out His work, often through the laying on of hands. I have come to know through the years that there clearly is life after this existence and that there are loved ones and "angels" closer to us and the work of the Lord than we can actually prove and explain with our mortal understanding. This Earth was given, for man to inhabit for all eternity. Loved ones and "angels" are beside us, around us, and all are about the service of their God and King. When mortality hits a wall with its limits of how to reach someone, may I say to you now, God has the power to find a way to reach them. We are limited by our mortal bodies and the bounds of this realm, but those who are now immortal and those who have yet to gain their bodies are bound by different limits. It is like the rays of the sun, which can burn through even the darkest clouds and hard to reach places, to bring light into the world. I received a sacred piece of knowledge tonight that has opened my eyes to how personal our lives and our needs are to our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is closer to this work than we can imagine and His faithful children are about His work on our behalf so that we can all be together once more, never to separated again. When man's hands cannot reach out and bless, there are hands which can be and are laid upon our heads, and which lift up our shoulders in the pursuit of our "Eternal Happiness". I am forever grateful for the knowledge I now have on this subject. I wish you could all have felt and experienced what I did this past evening. Thank you, my dear wife, for helping me to seek for knowledge and understanding in the places that are of the most worth. I am grateful for all of my friends and family who have helped/will help me and my family in the past, present, and future. I am grateful beyond measure for one in particular who saved me from myself. Someone who along with the Savior helped me to see me for who I really am and for the potential that is in me and all of us. I am grateful for beautiful children and a wonderful family which has come as a result of that someone. Crystal, I love you! You were sent to me by our Heavenly Father to help me find my way home. I am constantly learning to be better as a result of your love and compassion on a wretch such as myself. I have been in need of forgiveness many times throughout my life and our marriage. I will be in need of that gift in the future as well. Thank you for allowing me that chance to heal my heart when I make mistakes. Thank you for being a prime example of what a faithful daughter of God is and does. Thank you for everything you do. I love you! And today, I am grateful for the power of God; the priesthood. I am grateful to have felt God's love like the rays of sunshine that gently make there way over the mountains on a cool summer morning. Today, I am grateful!

Cold Feet

I find myself contemplating life and all of it's intricacies.

I care for tiny and big babes in the hospital weekly.  I see stories of awe and wonder, hope at it's fullest.  I leave work on those days full of that hope that is all around me, it attaches to me and I can leech off of it for a brief moment in my life.

There are, however, days when you see steady decline and heartache; those are times when I leave feeling weary and full of sorrow.  There have been moments in the wee hours of the morning when I have looked over a child's bed and felt my heart sink, my eyes swell with tears, and the glimmer of hope...that almost always shines bright in my eyes...leaves me.  Why would it leave ME?  I am not the Master of this plan.  I am a mere mortal, trying to find my plan at it's fullest....but that is indeed why it leaves me, because I cannot see the end from the beginning.  I, with the skills that I have learned and practiced, can do my absolute best to fulfill the plans of care for these babes.  I can intervene in critical times or in times of peace, I can swaddle and stroke tiny heads, I can plan with care providers and seek the best route to the final end....but I CANNOT know the end.  I can only work towards the end day by day with precision...following the written and verbal orders given to me.  I can do my part...with determination and love...and that is all.

I try to maintain a very optimistic outlook towards life.  I most certainly know that there are bumps along the way.  I understand that, or have heard, that all these bumps are for our good, in the end at least.  When the good days are upon me, I feel like I could walk a hundred miles with my children strapped to my back...carrying a heavy load with a HUGE smile.  That, however, is not what character is all about.  Sure, in the good times, a smile and a hug, a word of encouragement to a struggling soul, and the zeal to get up and work hard through fatigue is easy.

Not all days are good.

There are days when I leave the hospital with a sad heart.  All the work I am doing doesn't produce what I want.  Now, I remind myself, this isn't about what I want,...it's all in the Master's hands.  But still, the sorrow leaves me carrying a burden that I need to lift and pass on.  It doesn't end when the car ride home is complete.  There are deep battles of the mind and heart that need to be worked through at the beginning (or my end...scratch that...my middle) of a hard day.  Sometimes those battles are more trivial, such as how will my aching legs and feet walk another 6 hours just to keep my body awake, kids fed and clothed, and the house stable, not perfect, but stable.  

Sometime those battles are far more delicate...requiring the deep stings of the heart, that tender piece of human joy and suffering to feel pierced and lonely, confused and angry, and even numb with bitterness.  These times I question the Master, "Why?"  But then, I recall, I do not know the end from the beginning.  I'd like to put my two cents in, but that hope that has faded from my eyes can't even bear to to speak the desires of my heart; why?  because in that moment, the hope is gone.  Are these battles of the heart or mind?  Both.  The heart has been pierced and the mind can't let go.

I can feel people reach out to me... I can hear them.

But for some reason, it doesn't help.

Sometimes I fear I hurt those that reach out to me far too much by casting them aside, ignoring the extended hands, and choosing to walk alone.

But after reaching out for aide, it almost feels that walking alone is the best way to stay protected, for myself and others. What nobody knows, hurts the soul carrying it the deepest...and sometimes that's just how it's meant to be; a silent battle, a silent war in the heart, a silent, but almost deadly, obstacle.

Some days start cold.

Some days end cold.

Some days it's all in my hands to choose happiness over pain.

Some days I choose pain.

Most often I choose happiness.

Today...I chose pain, necessary pain.

I hope it makes me stronger.

The only phrase the gives me an ability to invite hope into my heart again is this...

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh"

When the Lord allowed Job to have ALL to be taken from him, even his friends and family, and Job was indeed faithful, he then rewarded him in the end with twice an inheritance...from lands the children, family, riches and most importantly pure happiness and joy.

I can only trust in the Master's Hands and hope he guides my course with clarity with my true desires in mind.  I can only follow orders, and though I fail at that often, I can try.

These cold feet need to be warmed so they can move forward, in His work...whatever that may be.

Cinderella Calls!

I'm not gonna lie...on the days I just wanna stay in bed and say "GO AWAY" to the daily tasks that take me from the home, all this girl needs is a ...

DRESS!!!

I swear, I was born in the wrong era.

From my heirloom quiting, to my dresses, I am all about the classic "pretty" pioneer.

So, let's call this my "Cinderella" Day.

I always associated well with her.

Blonde hair,

Cleaning "dresses",

Ball gowns...in my favorite color,
Shoes...gotta love the shoe that fits,

And mice that do nothing but "surprise" instead of inducing fear. Hehe!

Little did I realize that as I grew into a woman, I would really become that Cinderella...cleaning all these crazy messes, on my hands and knees.

In the middle of folding laundry a few days ago,

I was taken to a greater mess by my dear Lydia stating,

"Ummm, Mommy, come look at the mess Maya made in the kitchen!"

Ummm, Maya....after the pee on the bathroom floor, I was able to pin you down for a diaper, but you obviously felt the need to pursue greater messes.

An entire 39 serving can of nestle coca...on the counters and floor.

We glared at each other....yes, you mocked my expressions in such cuteness!!!!

And then, for a moment, I sat in Cinderella despair, wondering how to tackle this next task at hand.

The cocoa sat in water...and most footsteps left muddy prints trailing from the pile....to the sink.......to the trash...

It was everywhere.

So, I pulled out my Cinderella bucket with my Cinderella rags, and I worked for an entire hour.

Hands and knees, in a dress.

I am Cinderella...like I always wanted to be.

Now, enough chores eventually gives me a flattering ball gown, in my favorite color...

A carriage...

A night without the kids...or chores....

A dance...

And dreams come true...

Work on Cinderella, work on...

And while you do, remember that one of your Cinderella tasks include embracing your babies constantly.  Looking beyond the messes to what they are teaching you...

"I'm just trying to be like you Mommy!  You made cocoa for ALL of us this morning, and I'm just trying to be like you!"

And after all the dirt and sugar is washed away, all I can think to do is run my fingers through your golden locks, smell my jasmine vanilla oils you have tampered with...to be just like me, and LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY!

Thank you for allowing me to be the Cinderella before the fancy gowns....
that comes after the work is done, I believe!

I LLLLLLOVE YOU!!!

My son has a heart of gold.  At days end, he saw my fall in utter defeat.  As the children ran around the house in complete control, I fell back into my bed and cried a few tears...they ran down the side of my eyes...so visible to a perceptive nine year old child.

He asked, "Mom is there any thing I can do to help you?  Mom what's bothering you?"

I proceeded to tell him a few of the workings of my heart...in regards to working very hard only to find that my effort has been countered and the house is nothing but worse as the day ends...he said, "Ya, Maya does a lot for that huh?"  At least he sees the obvious truth, as he stared at the treadmill full of crumbs and dirt in the crevices of it's belt.

 My night ended, as I paced the dirty kitchen, with several spontaneous hugs and a few gentle strokes on my back.

I do count this as a great blessing; for, when my child cries, I want to know the depths of his heart.  I want them to know of how critical it is to make one feel safe, and tonight Connor showed that without reservation or fear.

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Yes, people, it is true, I fell asleep on the "l" last night.

I'd love to edit it out (though I was able to get rid of half of the "l's"), but for the sake of a memory, and for the sake of the post (cause it won't let me edit it all), I shall keep the "l" true to it's beginning...

"L"ovely Connor...

Thank you for "L"oving me

I "L"ove you!

Mother's Lips

Sweet Baby Shane--

I was digging through my bedroom yesterday, pulling out so many treasures from our past.  I came across the photos of you and the boys I had laminated to make for book marks in my scriptures after you passed.

I then came across a note I had written that told of your sweet brothers pleading prayer at only 4 (days from 5) years old.  You have taught us so much beyond what we thought we would have to learn in this temporal existence.

I tried early in your little life to get you to sleep in the cradle, but you were far more comfortable fulfilling your "fourth trimester" by my side.  I will admit, I was too.  As a baby longs for the mother he has been with for 9 long months, the mother long for that intimate touch from her babe.  I was honored to spend every night with you.  The cradle sat by my bedside, and you laid in my arms, by my side.

We laid beneath this quilt together every night...me, you, and Daddy.  I was sandwiched between you and Daddy, always faced towards you with my arm curled around you in a protective manner so that I could feel every little move that you made.  I heard every squeak and whimper, stroked your beautiful face often, and was there to feed you upon the first sign of wakefulness.  My sleep was not perfect, but yours was...and that's all that mattered to me.

The last time I saw your sweet body alive was a Saturday morning.  I was about to leave for an exam when I heard Daddy outside of the bathroom door with you as I was finishing my shower.  I quickly grabbed my robe, opened the door, saw your hungry and sad face wrinkled in a cry.  I embraced you and took you to our bed...laid you beneath this quilt with me and I fed you one last time.  When you finished, I looked at you in awe and just stared for a long several minutes.  I backed away from you a good 6 inches to take in your beauty from afar; I then leaned into you one last time, kissed your perfect white and unflawed skin with my mother's lips, and told you, "I love you so much.  You are so beautiful!"  I slowly left your side to keep you in your slumber and proceeded to get ready for my exam as fast as I could.

At my bedside, there sits a picture of Mary and her sweet baby Jesus, whom she kisses so tenderly with her mother's lips.  How grateful I am to have those same lips, with the same unfailing love that served as my last memory with you.  How honored I will be to embrace you again in time to come, and to kiss your unflawed skin with my mother's lips.

Busy Bee's

My beautiful Maya...

Let's talk dear!

I adore every little thing about you.

Your pouty irresistible eyes, your full luscious lips. your porcelain doll-like skin, your round protruding belly, and your great busy spirit.

Let me tell you the chaos that can follow a tiny two year old body in one small day.

I came home from work yesterday to find you had dumped an entire box of cereal all over the kitchen and living room.  

It. Was. Everywhere.  

I looked, laughed, and attended to the necessities, like dressing messy bodies and combing tangled hair.

We decided to swim early on, in order to keep me on my toes, and you and your siblings happy.  We swam...and when we were done, you decided that the swim diaper had to go.

Well, you decide that every diaper must go lately!!!

You took it off, walked around naked, and before I could catch you, you squatted on the kitchen floor and dribbled....well, peed!  You  quickly escaped my grasp...laughing all the while.

It was then time for your nap...and you decided to climb outta your crib repeatedly...

Instead of battling a fight I was destined to fail, you took your place beside me on the couch!  I didn't bother to replace my wet suit with dry clothes, because I replaced your wet suit with dry clothes (and Liddy's...and Connor's....and Aiden's!)...and I just didn't care about mine!!!

You showed me how you're gaining life skills from me...and by life skills, we are talking about using cell phones for taking pictures!

 When you walked away, I tried to do a little of this...

Umm...you wouldn't have it.

No sooner did I close my eyes, and I heard your whimper...your cry...and then your scream!

 So I got up...lined you and your sibling in front of me...hugged you, kissed you, and told you of the marvelous children you all are!!!

You were thinking of greater things....escaping the pack, food, toys, drinks...everything but lining up with the pack!

More spills came from your tender hands...

Soda, chips, popcorn, cereal.

At days end you had to give me the big BANG; you dropped my only liquid glass measure cup and it shattered everywhere.  I quickly gathered you and your siblings out of the kitchen in my bare feet.

Unfortunately, your tiny toes didn't escape the glass...you were cut, and bleeding, and crying. 

I hugged you, stoped the bleeding, and you escaped....again!

This time, you ran to the bathroom, and your diaper came off; I found poop all over your tiny feet and legs.  At 6pm, after 30 hours without sleep, all I could do was RUN as fast as I could to clean your tiny body off...and save my floors!

When you were finally in a sweet slumber, I noticed, my dear, that somehow you also placed a large amount of liquid soap in the cats food and water...leaving their bowl full after a long day.  They didn't eat, sweet Maya, but they are still alive to dodge your grasp tomorrow!  All is well!

I know that one day, you and Lydia will be much more self sufficient, and readily able to control your instinct to devour every object you find!  These boys are good examples to you...they love you so much!

But today...

And tomorrow...

And every day, of every week, of every month, this year...and forever,

I will treasure your tired eyes as they cry in your fatigued fragile body.

As you open the door for your big sister to let her guard down, and cry too...

And when you and your sister get hurt, feel sad, or just need some extra time with Mommy, my arms will always be here to love you!  Sometimes, Mommy's embrace is the only thing that'll calm a weary heart. 

The scratches on your body and heart may scar...

But those scars will teach you.

Use them wisely, and they will help you love deeper than you ever thought you could. 

But until you push me away, I will kiss you every night...in attempt to turn those frowns into smiles....

And those tears of sorrow to tears of joy! 

You keep me busy, Maya Ruth!  I wouldn't have it any other way!

Who holds the magic???

Okay...

Listen...

I'm getting tired of the monotonous mundane life...

Day in...

Day out...

So, I was thinking, and this is where my thoughts led me.

Wouldn't it be great to start a circus act?  Where we could dance and run and play all day long?  Where life was elevated above the mundane, and the main issue at hand was how happy we made each other feel?

So, my plan started as a simple thought...

Became a dream...

And by golly gosh, we are circus BOUND!!!

Nothing but smiles for this ride.

Okay, if we fall off of the trapeze, there will be a net to assist in our recovery, and there are guaranteed tears when the fall is made.  But guess what???
Someone is always hanging on those bars, ready to throw us back and forth in pure bliss!!!

From lion tamers, to jugglers...

From trapeze artists (that'd be me flying through the air with my invisible wings!!!)...to magicians...

And then there's the ringmaster, clowns, and tightrope walkers... 

Positions are still available!

There are conditions:

1. When someone gets hurt, you pick them up

2. When someone is sad, you try to make them smile

3. When someone is in the line of danger, you protect them

4. You try your hardest in every act to be your best

5. You heal when you find yourself injured

and

6. You have pure simple FUN!!!

I've found the best little partner...I call her Mini Me!

And the magicians are working relentlessly on their illusions!  They can do things you have never seen before!!  'Tis true, the magic is in their tiny little hands!

They cease their training on occasion to feed their minds and bodies, but this act is dead serious!  They are training night and day.  At times, I have to tell them to get their rest so they can perform at their optimum state!

And then, once the wigs and dresses come off, at the end of the day...there is mandatory cuddle time so that we remember why we are in this circus after all....

Now why is that?

To make each other happy...

To smile...

To dream, and hope, and love...

And it all started there with the grand figure of its creation....

Mother Dear!

 Get ready for the ride of your life!