Update: Healing physically has been horrendous. The fluid and inflammation got worse day by day, and I woke daily feeling like I wasn't myself. My face felt like it was someone elses, my hands and feet were not mine--kinda, and my body was so sluggish and delayed in thought and movement that I felt there were permanent deficits. I feared sleep, because I wanted to know I would wake up...i feared the shift in potassium that would hit my heart next. I felt alone, which is a normal feeling to have in such trauma. Being alone helps us understand that we aren't in the end, because the Savior descended to our lowest of lows and is there to hear our silent cries. I became afraid of the landmark date, that one week into the experience...my Satuday night shift. PTSD hit me hard and I began to feel angry and fearful, desirous to avoid everything that would bring me back into a position of staying up all night and wearing myself thin. But guess what? I did it!!! I wish I could say I got a good doctor in line this week, but that still hasn't happened. I have done a ton of research though...and I know one thing is certain--this very real and serious condition has been a side effect of a life full of stress and strain. I will not succumb to believing that I could have controlled it, however. I believe that because I walked through it a week ago, God knew very well that I would have to experience it. I believe that a priesthood blessing I received in January gave me foresight--and looking back, God had warned me very clearly that "even harder times" were coming ahead, experiences that I wouldn't be certain I would get through were around the corner. He also told me of how He viewed me, however, in that same blessing--and that alone gives me the hope and courage to know that He has designed me to do one thing alone as I walk though this world...and if I do that, I will gain my reward; He desires that in all the grief and trauma, I allow myself to turn to Him...even if it means submitting to a plan that appears confusing and unfair, yet He doesn't ask us to be blind and naive--we are meant to study things out and come to a knowledge of His will. This is what He desires each of us to do...and it's for the benefit of all mankind that He asks it, however. If we can show our faith in God by submitting to His will, however unfair it seems, then we may be able to influence others to whom they should turn to in their distress and grief.
Grief is a feeling that is not only associated with death--I know this fully because of experience. We all have to suffer grief in one degree or another, and chances are, we all must face a critical moment when we decide where our peace will be. I've never found peace in TV, nor does anything that temporarily gives happiness bring peace enough to overcome death, loss, disappointment, and heartache. Shopping is fun, food is delightful, and healthy distraction is good most of the time, but true and lasting peace can only come through the restoration and hope of all things which have been taken from us.
I have no doubt that no matter how hard our lives seem, or how easy someone else's life may be in their perspective (because I have heard of people humbly admitting to having been richly blessed in their earthly sojourn), we all must face at least one thing--and maybe more--to test us to our core. I am also just as convinced that it happens for several reasons--maybe we need to find that unmovable support over and over until we trust that we are going to be cared for, maybe we need to find it once and then we are good...we can live the rest of our lives in a quiet reverence, knowing that through the road is hard but we will be okay, perhaps our minds won't let go of the impossible in order to see that even though earthly experiences deny the possibility of happiness, we can still be happy (stuff does not equate to happiness--attitude and character bring it so much faster than possession), and then maybe we are placed in trial and circumstance in order to show others what our determined course of hope is--because it doesn't waiver.
When Shane died, I had one thought come to me first, "The Lord giveth, and The Lord taketh, blessed be the name of the Lord"...and it was soon followed by my pleadings to God to give me peace, and give me a witness of my son's continued life. My pure and lasting hope has been in listening to the many truths conveyed to me in my studies, in my thoughts, and in my dreams. There is a connection that a mother shares with her children that I cannot deny. I feel that my children are who I was born to ultimately hand over my life for. It was a shock to have one of them taken so young in life--I was only 26 years old. However, I found myself ever so determined to continue fighting for the remaining children of mine, and they sure do know that I love and live for them day by day. The Lord is merciful enough to hear us in our deep anguish and give us knowledge, but I know as well that we must be quiet and still in order to receive it. It was on my knees and in the still dark quiet night that I received insight. It was in the funeral home when I listened to the directors words, while I pleaded to God to give me witnesses of my son, that I found God reaching out and showing me His Hand. As I took time to take care of myself after my baby died, God gave me the clarity to have a mind still enough to see him and hear him in my dreams. Taking care of myself was simple--it was allowing myself to lay in bed, or on the couch, and sleep through the grief. It was then that I learned by experience that it is when we are the stillest that God can reach us the easiest.
I've been able to be still a few times since last Sunday--I'll admit that it is much harder to do when you are 34 verses 26...when you have 5 kids verses 3. In the stillness, I have had dreams and thoughts come to my mind from the last several years. Though I thought I understood them in part back then, I can say that I am beginning to understand them with more clarity now. I have had promptings and desires come to me that have been hanging upon me for a few years now, but I haven't been well enough to follow through with them because of circumstance and health. I am now at a cross roads where I feel that the Lord will give me space to do them, I just need to do them...regardless of what time holds in it's fateful hand. I am not saying in any way that I believe the promptings come because of impending death, because I have no idea why they come...but I do know that I must put my trust in the Lord to see anything out to it's end. I will strive to do what I feel the need to do, and hopefully He will give me the peace of mind to know that listening to His will was all I needed to do--hopefully.
Being still also leaves room for us to grieve. Grief is natural, is is not always pretty, but it is necessary. The faster we let go of our desires, the faster we can cling to the Lord and His desires for us. When I push my agenda too hard, I end up unhappy in the end, but when I give my will over to God, I always end up happy....always. If I could wish one thing for everyone, it would be this; I would wish you the ability to see past the ache and fear, and I would wish you the courage to let go of trying to control any situation in the manner you believe it should go, but the faith to put all your good hard work into it while trusting God to work your life as a masterpiece for Him.
Grieve indeed, but trust that God is working a miracle in that grief, so much deeper than you can currently comprehend,
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