Stress Relief....Christmas Cheer

I wrote this post between one missed appointment and another one later in the day, which I actually got to.  Just didn't get to click the "publish" button. Most often, I look back at my writing and see the significance in, perhaps, years.  The older I get, the closer I find myself seeing my written word being a foreshadow of events God already knows to be.  Today, it was only a few hours between the writing and the awe.  

Original Post at around 1:45pm:

I post this today because I had an experience this morning that reminded me of the strain upon me that I need to let go....and watch it fly away.  We all have something that fits that category. I was referred to a Cardiologist, a plea I made for 2.5 years to one medical professional, but she thought it wasn't necessary.  My new doc, after looking at one set of lab values, and wthout me even asking him to refer me, sent in a referral to a Cardiologist.  I nearly cried when I got the call, because waiting for many years, praying for God's hand to be done, going through the paralytic experience in June which led me to MD's who told me they insisted I get a team of MD's on my case since it is so complicated, and then not even choosing my doctor, having it chosen for me by the hospital, watching him use his knowledge...hearing he gained knowledge I had that he didn't quite yet (humbling himself, saying "I don't know what that is" when he didn't, with a sweet smile), and thanking me for letting him read it between appointment #1 and #2; all these things gave me validation, finally.  It almost felt like my work was simply to go where they tell me to go now....those long years of pleading for answers and asking for referrals were the work which led me to a place where God could finally carry me.  I still must walk, as strenuous as it may sometimes be, into that referral office, but I felt carried by His Hand these last several weeks.  

I got to my Cardiology this morning and after having asked the sweet lady yesterday where to go 2 times, she hesitated and said I would go to the main hospital.  I did.  They didn't have me in for an appointment.  So, I sat talking with a smile to the lady, Miss Lenora, who was checking me in.  She saw my disappointment, though I sought to keep my face calm and my conversation cheerful.  She felt my weariness, and of the two recpetionsists I could have seen, she opened right as my number came up.  We worked through the confusion, and sat in silence for a moment.  I told her what I discerned to have been the cause for confusion, and it was confirmed that I was correct, a few hours later.  (Good brainwork there--no blame put on anyone, just a simple understanding of what I saw as a simple accident.)  After I told her my rationale, she agreed, then I said I was a little frustrated, and became vulnerable.  When I say I'm frustrated, it's not in anger, it's said with a little grin, a few tears that won't fall yet, and a calm voice, like a timid child.  She looked at me, thought some more, and whispered, "Are you a believer?"  Then....the tears broke through and I said with such honor, "Yes!"  She said, "Don't you worry baby girl.  God is in control and He always will be." (looks aside and quiets her voice a bit...workplace sharing of religious values is prohibited, but I gave her permission to talk to me).  She said she had to be cautious because you can't talk to others about these things, but then she said, "Now when these feelings come over you, you know honey, it is only the Adversary trying to destroy your soul.  He is fighting hard, and he will never win, so when you feel this frustration or anxiety come over you, you say 'Get behind me Satan, in Jesus name, you leave me.  I am not my anxiety, and I am not my frustration. You give that to me.'  And then you whisper 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...'"  She was bold, but that moment was needed by me today.   I was in tears as I told her of how beautiful her soul was, and how my beliefs are solid with hers, I told her that when I allow my Savior in, His peace comes, and Satan has to leave.  She nodded a gentle motherly nod and said that, "God is in control.  He knew you would sit face to face with me today.  He knew what you would need to hear.  He knows the timing of when you will find all your answers, and when you find them...."  I gently interrupted, and said, "When it happens, I give Him the Glory, because it all comes by Him."  Her sweet smile returned, she held my hand, and we both wept for a moment.  Note, I had never told her the details of my journey, she only knew I was there for some heart procedures.  In prayers, over this week, I have sought God to give me direction, to give me the knowledge I need of my path towards healing--the right or wrongfulness of it.  I read my scriptures and received clear answers each time, and one of the strongest ones that came several times was the fact that little by little, help and answers will come....but when they do, the Glory will go to God....because by His hand, whom I am reaching out to more than ever in this battle, there will be answers, relief, or even just peace of mind, if relief can't come.  My peace of mind is here....because of my answers; He delivers when we seek Him out.  Only He can bring lasting peace.  If I didn't seek Him, I'd be stressed, confused and weary.  Now, as noted above, all the rest is simply work.  I'm pretty good at work.  ;-)

So, when I got home from the missed appointment, and waited to drive an hour and 15 minutes to my rescheduled appointment, I looked at my pictures, my fond recent memories.  Documenting them was my stress relief.   

My Christmas Cheer:

You will see that I do actually see Christmas as a stress relieving time of year.  This year, I was inspired to get all the shopping done before November...and take luck in promptings...because we found out shortly into November that we were being asked to leave our home within 30 days.  We are still in transition, as gentle persuasion does in fact assist in our cause, but it didn't prevent some heavy wrongs done.  I'd rather simply get over it and move on, so I am...

Christmas has been so relieving for me these last 2 years because I have chosen to sing in The Messiah production we put on in our county.  Every week, for 6 prior, a couple hours on Sunday evenings, a group of beautiful souls--some of my favorite people--came together to sing and prepare to praise our Lord and His divine ministry to the world.  The following are all the pictures I captured that night--I'm quite big on photos.  

My family....always telling me they can pick out my soprano tone, and they love the highest notes the best.  They are learning to love the Messiah as they hear me practice at home, especially the children.  Aiden practiced a run of sixteenth notes that he heard me master this year...it's a LOOOOOOOONG run peeps!  His tone will fit a tenor one day...I love him so much.  He has my same drive, same gentle loving spirit who feels pain deeply, can love easily, and stands for himself ever so....well, we kinda over do it when we defend ourselves.  I defend on occassion very selectively, and he does too...I've seen his patterns, we both have some mastering to do.  Once it's done, I think he'll be ready for greater things...  Connor is a very controlled person, calm, non reactive--AMAZING.  He doesn't see the use in getting upset over every little thing, and that is such a beautiful trait to have at the prime age of 12.  Lydia is a face value, "I won't do this until I want to, and you can kinda deal with that," kinda gal.  Man, she is determined, and even though it makes for some hard parenting days, she has a gift.  When she uses it to defend herself as a Daughter of God in all the virtuous ways she has and will learn to use, she will be strong as a scepter, springing forth from God himself.  Maya is gentle as a lamb, and she, of all my children, will be called a peacemaker.  She has the normal 5 year old tricks she pulls, but goodness, there is a tenderness in her touch, a softness in her voice, a love in her heart, and a longing for others comfort and care that she carries in her verbal prayers everyday that shows me she is innately showing her Daughter of God characteristics.  I would say all three of usgirls  strive to display them:  Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue.  I believe a Daughter of God can calm a storm with the touch of her hand or the calmness of her tender voice, and a Son of God can carry powers greater than he cold ever imagine, to protect, provide, and preside in righteousness, by kindness.  I believe we choose our path, and will be given these gifts as we prove our willingness to temper our wills and look to God in all things.  I have a son who was already refined enough, who would never need the pain of this world to learn those characteristics.  I have him--he's mine; that tells me divinity runs through our veins.  Sweet Shane, you remind me daily that my actions will allow me to be with you one day, and I will bless this world by my faith so long as I must, and can,  live here.  I will teach your siblings to do the same.  And Daddy, if there is anything he loves, it is me singing and him listening on. I use to be afraid to sing in front of him--then I realized we only live once.  So, here...you have my beautiful family above.

Some of my soprano sisters...I really do love them so much....

More soprano beauties...

A little babe, my favorite soprano of the group.  I received glances from her with every practice.  We would sing, she would look back at me as we finished a run through, and we would exchange a wink and smile.  I simply adore this little one; she is already using her gifts for God--brave soul!

One of my High School friends!!!!

My Relief Society President!!!  HAHA!!! I know she would never want me to call her that, but she is, and she is a great friend who gives her talents to the Lord as well.

An alto voice that stirs your soul...my sweet friend.

My sweet Miriam.  I went out with the sister missionaries and made contact with her while knocking on doors one cold January day 2 years ago.  She told us, "I'm not looking into being converted or anything, I just want some friends."  I smiled and told her she can have many friends!  In that same meeting, I was prompted by the Spirit to share with her the story of the First Vision....ummm, slight hesitation from me, but the security  I have in promptings from the Spirit allowed me to do just that.  We caught her...and her life has been blessed, as our congregation has been blessed immensely by her.

My dear Cara--an alto voice I love singing with.  She is a very patient, long-suffering, and faithful friend.  If you don't know her, you should.  Many have left me as I've battled health issues, but she has stood aside waiting for me to be ready for her.  Sounds a lot like the Example of love we were singing to that very night, in December.

A soprano, beautiful Catherine, who deserves a career in classical singing; I could listen to her and one of my other sweet sopranos from above, Krystle, all day long.  I bet they could calm the tempest that sometimes comes over me.

Faithful friends....Miss Mel was my best friend since Middle School.  Faithfully there...to hear me sing.  To still be here after all these years, that's a testament of genuine friendship.

A beautiful and happy soul, my sweetest friend as of late, Miss Kathryn.  I just love this woman.  She is hard core like me...you don't stop at 20 push-ups, you push until you can't move anymore!!!  LOL  I recently have learned that we share many things in common, and are now great strengths to each other.  The Lord is so good to bring you straight to the people that can give you relief.

My beautiful Mother and gorgeous sisters ( minus my twin...I could photoshop her in I guess, but imagine two of me!)  I tell everyone, "Look at our noses, then you will see we are all related!"  My Mom, we are alike in so many beautiful ways....we look very much alike too.  My heart leapt outta' my chest when I saw them there that night!

We start and end with family...just happened to perfectly fall in line that way!

Cinder Ella

I wanted to announce, "stay in bed" this morning, but the drive to be a good mother overcame the urge to sleep.  Long sick days are hard on the entire family.  Mom is tired far before the children are, Mom is breaking and starting fevers every few hours, and Mom just wants a break--or some help.  As soon as the younger kids were off....

I spent my whole morning cleaning tubs filled with dust, dirt, and mouse poop, only to come home after the last school drop off at noon and see empty tubs waiting to be filled.  13 is a lucky number, per my sweet friend Anna.... I'm praying that move #13 is NOT our last, but that it brings many good things to come.  I'm looking at the situation at hand as though it already is so.  

Instead of packing tubs, because I am very worn thin (and still sick), I decided to put on my heels from Christmas (in my sweat pants and pony tail) and walk around my house!  Who woulda' known that my husband would get me the most comfortable heels I've ever had???  His theme for me was Cinderella; he chose clearance odds and ends that were perfect.  The fit of the shoe: perfect.  Oddly enough, I got the girls a 7 princess Barbie collection for Christmas  and asked them to pick 3 out for themselves and I would have the 7th.  Guess what?  When all was said and done, I was left with Cinderella.  

My favorite princes as a little girl: Cinderella

My Halloween costume this year: Maiden Cinderella

My Christmas theme: Cinderella

My current role: house cleaning Cindrella, in some torn rags, I admit

My dream for eternity: a type of Cinderella, but replace everything after the "C" with "rystal"!   But it will only come once the work here is done!!!

To hard days, that eventually end....may the odds be ever in our favor (Haha)!

Health update to come....

Better yet, children updates ahead....

Lovingly, Miss Crys AKA Cinderella

"A Little Child Shall Lead Them"

Last night, as I hurried home from a long day at work, I decided to prepare myself for the next morning, when I would do it all over again, by filling up with a tank of gas. Typically, when I notice that there are lines at all of the pumps, I will hold off or go to another gas station, especially being as tired as I was feeling, but I decided to make the stop anyway. I pulled into the pumping lane behind another crossover or SUV type vehicle. It appeared that the gentleman pumping gas would soon be finished as I put my vehicle in park and waited. Just then, I noticed that there was a homeless gentleman digging in the garbage can at that very pump. It looked like he was intent on finding something, but oddly enough, he was not begging for money or anything from anyone. Typically that is what we find; people going from pump to pump looking for loose change or anything to help out. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young man jump out of the passenger side door of the car in front of me. He scurried up to his father who was finishing up with pumping the fuel still, and verbalized something with a bit of enthusiasm. There was an inquisition of some sort. The father acknowledged the child's question, hesitated ever so slightly, and then affirmed the child's desire to do what he had requested. The young teenage boy then opened the rear passenger door of the vehicle and dug around for a few seconds. A moment later he popped his head out of the car with something else in his grasp. It was a burrito or taco. Perhaps they had just stopped for food for themselves on the way home. But that young man, then eagerly walked up to the homeless gentleman and offered him the food. The man accepted! The child walked away filled with pride and joy; filled with the spirit of Christ! Both the father and son then drove off after hopping in their car and I pulled forward to take their place and begin fueling. I asked the homeless gentleman what he was looking for, to which he showed me a garbage bag and stated "cans". He said they were worth a fair amount and he was willing to put in the work to look for them and collect them, so more power to him! I asked if he had anything to drink, as I had no cash to offer, and he had just gotten that burrito, so a beverage seemed fitting. But, the man told me he had something to drink. Later, the pump attendant kicked him off the property which I protested as he was causing no harm and not even pestering any of the patrons. The attendant agreed but said his boss told him he had to make him leave the property. How unfortunate!

The picture of that young man, happily and excitedly going up to his father and asking permission to be charitable is still seared in my mind! The words from Isaiah come to my mind as I ponder the magnitude of such an act. They read: "And a little child shall lead them." (Isaiah 11:6) The reference, though not specifically pointing towards such things, does give one pause. Children are precious in the sight of God, and in the Last Days they will work many miracles and even teach us the way at times, I believe.

In a talk given by President Monson a few years ago, he tells a story of a family who had become less active in the LDS church, but decided to go visit Temple Square in Salt Lake City, Utah…

Last summer I received a letter from a woman who has emerged from a long period of Church inactivity. She is ever so anxious for her husband, who as yet is not a member of the Church, to share the joy she now feels.

She wrote of a trip which she, her husband, and their three sons made from the family home to Grandmother’s home in Idaho. While driving through Salt Lake City, they were attracted by the message which appeared on a billboard. The message invited them to visit Temple Square. Bob, the nonmember husband, made the suggestion that a visit would be pleasant. The family entered the visitors’ center, and Father took two sons up a ramp that one called “the ramp to heaven.” Mother and three-year-old Tyler were a bit behind the others, they having paused to appreciate the beautiful paintings which adorned the walls. As they walked toward the magnificent sculpture of Thorvaldsen’s Christus, tiny Tyler bolted from his mother and ran to the base of the Christus, while exclaiming, “It’s Jesus! It’s Jesus!” As Mother attempted to restrain her son, Tyler looked back toward her and his father and said, “Don’t worry. He likes children.”

After departing the center and again making their way along the freeway toward Grandmother’s, Tyler moved to the front seat next to his father. Dad asked him what he liked best about their adventure on Temple Square. Tyler smiled up at him and said, “Jesus.”

“How do you know that Jesus likes you, Tyler?”

Tyler, with a most serious expression on his face, looked up at his father’s eyes and answered, “Dad, didn’t you see his face?” Nothing else needed to be said.

President Monson continues:

As I read this account, I thought of the statement from the book of Isaiah: “And a little child shall lead them.” (Isa. 11:6.)

The words of a Primary hymn express the feelings of a child’s heart:

Tell me the stories of Jesus I love to hear,

Things I would ask him to tell me if he were here.

Scenes by the wayside, tales of the sea,

Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.

Oh, let me hear how the children stood round his knee.

I shall imagine his blessings resting on me;

Words full of kindness, deeds full of grace,

All in the lovelight of Jesus’ face.

I know of no more touching passage in scripture than the account of the Savior blessing the children, as recorded in 3 Nephi. The Master spoke movingly to the vast multitude of men, women, and children. Then, responding to their faith and the desire that He tarry longer, He invited them to bring to Him their lame, their blind, and their sick, that He might heal them. With joy they accepted His invitation. The record reveals that “he did heal them every one.” (3 Ne. 17:9.) There followed His mighty prayer to His Father. The multitude bore record: “The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father.” (3 Ne. 17:16.)

Concluding this magnificent event, Jesus “wept, … and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.…“And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

“And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven … ; and they came down and encircled those little ones … ; and the angels did minister unto them.” (3 Ne. 17:21, 23–24.)

Children are a blessing! They are here to learn and to grow. They are here to fulfill their duties to their God. And they are most certainly here to teach us, as much as they are here to learn from us. We are all here to help each other make our way back to our heavenly home. Jesus Christ showed us all the way in which we ought to live, in order to return to live with our Father in Heaven, and receive all that He has. The child, whom I witnessed displaying such love and kindness towards the homeless gentleman also gave me something to model and a memory to hold dear in my heart. If we were to become like so many children, all around us, we would be perfect and Christlike in every way!

In the spirit of the season, I hope that we may all feel the love of Jesus Christ, our Savior, fill our hearts and homes! May it be something that brings great peace, warmth, and light! May it enliven within each of us, the desire to share that same love with another. The love of Jesus Christ is a gift which continues forever! There is no beginning and there will be no end of days to its power. It is my prayer that I may become more like the littlest among us, those of whom the prophets said would lead us, even our children!

Celebrating an Angel

What would a beautiful 9 year old boy do on his Birthday? In his Momma's thoughts, he would enjoy a day off from school, go see The Peanuts Movie, laugh with his brothers through the fun and innocent entertainment, pick up pizza for dinner, and of course, make it a Charlie Brown day with Snoopy Cupcakes. Beautiful boy, tiny babe, though I know I will spend that time with you one day, I couldn't help but shed a few tears as I stared out into the dark night sky on our way home from the celebration we had in honor of you. I miss you more every year. You were the most beautiful 4 months I have ever had. 

I'm overhearing a talk that is on in the next room over.  It is speaking about death, and specifically the death of our sweet children.  It referenced the feelings of looking back at that lonely casket, as we lay them to rest, wondering if our hearts would break.  I can say, yes, they do...for years...they break.  He went on to testify that one day that pain will be swallowed up, because the Savior will make all that has been done whole again.  When I hear words of such truth, I am comforted knowing that it's not wrong for the separation from you, my infant son, to get harder, as the time draws further from the last time I held you and kissed your face.  It's okay to not be whole through this life.  It's okay to miss you, to long for you, to love you deeper every year.  In all those things....I do...

Beautiful son, I miss you so much...

But I love you so much more than the depths of my pain, and that is why I fight daily for our reunion. 

I love you...SUPER much....to the moon and back...and beyond...

Mommy

To Share, or Not to Share....

First off, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!  We celebrated as a small family this year, trying to find a moment in time when we weren't running to and fro.  It was a great decision!!!

Second, I've been thinking a lot, and where there is a crystalized thought, there is depth, and where there is depth, there is a desire to share.  I know, people aren't sharing as much as they once use to. I understand, believe me I do.  We live in a very hard and overwhelming world.  With social media, you must make a decision to live off the grid or to be a scroller, a coversationalist, or a sharer. The word choices aren't rocking it tonight, but I'm working my third night shift this weekend, off of little sleep between church meetings and The Messiah rehearsals, and I'm just gonna write how I want tonight, with no regards to grammar, to make up for the dragging body and mind I'm striving to sustain. 

So, with the social media stance, what are you? 

I'm not opposed to throwing it all away and saying goodbye to it, but let's face it, the world is evolving.  I choose to adapt and strengthen myself by exercising the restraint that you must when you choose to be a scroller, a coversationalist, or a sharer.  

Whether we agree or not, all three types of people require some kinda restraint, and I prefer to call it self control.  Life is about tempering ourselves, finding power over the natural habits that tear us down. Those habits can be related to money, food, desires towards anything, emotional outbursts, laziness....and the list goes on.  

I asked what you are, though I mean it to be more of a self reflection.  I, myself, am a sharer--though I've oscillated between being a coversationalist and sharer.  Rarely do I simply scroll.  If I'm on social media, I want to share something good and beautiful, or I'd like to find myself edified by speaking with others.  No, it's not the same as face to face contact, but YES, we do make a difference in each other's lives.  I think of my relatives and friends far away--most of which I spend decades without.  I love them, I miss them, and life has not allowed us to be face to face.  Yet, they inspire me, and I'm able to learn about who they are, and how they live, even through the few posts they offer through social media.  Friends and family all over the world, even those in my own hometown, have me thinking about how I can better myself constantly.  They have made a difference in my life.  

So, what's the point, right? 

Well, at church today, there was a scripture that hit me and left me feeling that my way, the path I choose to walk, is right for me.  I only know it because of the confirmations I'm given through prayer and priesthood promises particular to me, from God.  Nothing in this world can confirm it for me.  As a matter of fact, if I continued to listen to the world, I'd be doing quite the opposite of what I currently do.  

Currently, I share.  

I share what I find in life that is beautiful. I share my trials, though not all; I've found that we really do become more realistic when people know some of our struggles. I'm FAR from where I want to be, but I'm making my way there.  Some trials have befallen me by my own stupidity, or imperfection, and some have been given by God.  They are both hard to bear.   I share my heartaches, just a portion.  I share my beliefs, my faith, and my deep reflective thoughts.  I share my voice, my skills and talents, and when I do that, I feel like I never should have because of that shaky hand and quivering fear that consumes me.  Yet, once in awhile, the Lord gives me an abundance of gifts and an increase in skill when I share those talents for Him. Tonight, as I sang at our Messiah rehearsal, I was next to another Krystle (different spelling, same beautiful name). She has the voice of an angel, but as sopranos understand, when you are singing your "over the staff A's", you can lose your voice after dozens of run throughs.  We did a sixteenth note run up to a high A, and my voice squeaked and cracked that A out LOUDLY!!!  Both of us couldn't continue singing, we just giggled for the rest of the song. She was so sweet, praising me for even trying to hit it!  When I left, I felt like being near her gave me an increased ability to sing the soprano part more lovely than before, minus that A note blunder.  As we come together and share, we all are strengthened and edified.  

Here's the issue with sharing--it can hurt.  

When I'm being myself, and seeing the light and goodness that has been given to me, I'm not hurting, of course not.  When I'm singing, and the notes are actually coming out right, I don't feel pain or embarrassment.  When my heartfelt words have been placed on paper, or in cyber space, and my intent is to share the goodness of my perspective, I don't feel engulfed by opposition.   When I give a compliment, joy swells in me, not sorrow.  

However, sometimes being yourself is scorned, even when all you're striving to do is the right thing--there are critics at every corner, and we are all hurt innocently at times.  When I slip up on a note while singing, because of nerves, embarrassment floods, and when my heartfelt words aren't reciprocated or even acknowledged by the recipient, pain and disappointment are my companions.  The pain that comes from unmet expectations, such as the courtesy of response when you have shared your soul with someone, can be remedied by lowering your expectation, and then cautioning yourself against those who will take your pearls and cast them away instead of holding them dear.  I'm very tolerant in that matter, however, it takes many experiences with someone to take a stance of extreme caution, merely because I understand how we are all human, unable to do everything that comes our way, and in need of many chances.  

What it boils down to is vulnerability.  My favorite people are those who aren't afraid to be vulnerable.  It shows me that there is softness, pure love, and wisdom within them.  

I'm a very vulnerable person--and there are times when I share things and then feel a massive dark cloud looming over me--not as a consequence for anything done wrongfully, but as an attack.  The truth is, the powers of dark and light are at war, even more now than ever before.    If you take the risk to share the light within you, you are guaranteed one thing, some kind of battle, and then you can choose the next thing, the win.  Light always overpowers darkness, always, but we must continually choose that light, and choose to share it.  Like the scriptures say, it profits us not to hide our lights, but when we share them, others will see the good works which we do and they will glorify God....not the being who transmits the light, which is us, but the world will glorify God.  

The hard path in life is usually the right path, but it is also made easy by the blessings which come from walking it.  While we live in a world where darkness abounds, and even creeps into our own minds at times, there will be some aching and distress when we are vulnerable.    Yet, I have no regrets over standing for goodness and truth.  My regrets come when I allow other people, and their opinions of me, to drive my actions.

I haven't quite mastered the "shake it off" concept, but I probably never will.  In 35 years, I've found that the naive girl from my childhood still believes that most people are kind, loving, and don't want to see you in anguish.  I have a strong desire to hold onto that naive thinking, even though experience has taught me that some people do intentionally hurt you--some have hurt me.   My hope is that whatever may be causing the ill behavior towards me will be put to rest in their lives, because most people act unkindly out of personal unresolved pain in themselves.    

The scripture from church today that has guided my thoughts is in Romans chapter 5.  It reads:

"....we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

If you've spent a good part of your time sharing your goodness, and it just seems that life gets harder, thank God.  If you endure well, you will be given patience, that patience will give you experience, the experience gives you hope, and hope will leave you without shame.  

I am not ashamed for who I am.  I am not ashamed for how I share myself with the world.  I may feel weary and heartbroken, but at the end of the day, I know that I have sought to give some of the light within me to others, instead of smothering it behind closed doors.  

And what do we hope in at days end?  Of what are we not ashamed?  

I hope in the knowledge that because I have a Savior, all the aching will one day fade, the tribulation will cease, the looming storm clouds will dissipate and allow the light to shine down on me.  Light finds light, and dwells with it. Personally, I know that when children are drawn to me, I'm doing something right.  They are pure beacons of light, and to have their gaze, their loving arms around you, and their sweet adoration, is to have a piece of heaven.  I was blessed with the gaze of many children today, my favorites were a little toddler boy that mimicked my funny faces I made at him during church lessons, and the other was the sweet over the shoulder glances a young girl singing in The Messiah continued to give me--her smile and attentiveness to the kindness I was offering her was so warm upon my own heart.  

Vulnerability is the new brave, kindness is the greatest strength, and love is the power tool that wins wars--amongst quarreling nations and quarreling hearts.  

From a tired Mommy-nurse who put 110% into the day, which should've been my night, and awaits the dawn with great anticipation, 

Goodnight, to you at least!

Cover-ups

Too often, our sweet Facebook posts stay there, and the ancient blogging is ignored.  Only, the blogging is a family keepsake for me.  I'm gonna start recalling, reposting,  and incorporating some fb memories on my blog; they happen to bring joy to many of my friends, why not let the few blog readers find joy therein too?   This one happened to be just yesterday. 

We were on our way home from church when I heard a story about a glued purple sticky note on the wall.  Maya immediately broke out in tears, to which I said, "I'm not at all mad Maya, I just want to hear the story!"   Lydia became defensive, stating that she tried to pull the glued purple (Maya's favorite color) sticky note off the wall, but it wouldn't come off.  The boys then interrupted and said that the girls decided to color the paper "brown", in an attempt to match the wall.  I chuckled and said I wanted to see this when I got home, as I had been working the night prior when it happened!  What I didn't expect was the note that was "hiding" the accident!  Lydia, in an attempt to save her sister from punishment, used her best spelling and hung a note in the wall, begging us, out of love, to not remove the note!  The boys, being boys, crossed out her sweet words.  I found the experience very humorous! 

 How precious, the "cover-up" they engaged in.  We all seem to do that, cover our sins.  In reality though, to our loving Father in Heaven, most things were small to start, and our efforts to make it right are always sufficient to Him.  I've tried to cover my mistakes, my sins, my shortcomings....and they only bring me sorrow in the end.  (I feel a family home evening coming on!!!!). Repentance....it's the grand key to happiness.  

I also had to document a sweet little series of notes I found on Lydia's wall yesterday.  She has taken to Dr.Seuss.  She reads his books like a champ.  Can you tell she was picking up on his lingo here? 

Voir dire

Went through the "voir dire" process yesterday.  Take note:  Voir dire (/ˈvwɑr ˌdiər/) is a legal phrase that refers to a variety of procedures connected with jury trials. It originally referred to an oath taken by jurors to tell the truth (Latin: verum dicere), i.e., to say what is true, what is objectively accurate or subjectively honest, or both. 

I found that in the truth which each juror was asked to publicly state, or privately if needs be, that we are all very busy and experienced individuals.  Most people believe in second chances, well I didn't hear a single person say they didn't.  About a third of the people I was amongst found their schedules to bee too full for jury service, and gave every reason why.  I empathized, but thought of how blessed we are to be taken from our busy lives and sit for a moment to think about how we, citizens of the USA, are capable of showing how our country remains free.  Freedom comes with a cost, and ours was only to sacrifice some of our time as we held the balance of mercy and justice in our hands; other sacrifices require life.  

As the judge came upon me, he found I am a nurse by night, and then he recognized that I care for "a child!"  I giggled and said, "I care for many, but would be honored to serve if needs be."  There is no greater responsibility than the rearing of children, but I stated my willingness to set aside my task to other trusted individuals so that we can maintain our freedoms.  The judge was endearing and kind--grateful for everyone who was willing.  

It reminded me of my lesson with Connor last week about the great Cinncinatus from the Roman Republic.  He was a good, humble, hard working man.  The Romans found themselves in harms way because the dictator (a man who took power in times of war and raised an army to fight for Rome)  had been tricked and led into a valley, encircled by their captors on all sides.  They would fight until they perished if Rome hadn't sought to save their army.  Cinncinatus left his field, his little family, for a time, to serve his nation when they called upon him.  He took the power of a dictator, strategically planned how to save his fellow men, and then, in a shocking move, surrounded the enemy in the fashion they had encircled the first Roman army that was now stuck in a valley.  The enemy was now the middle ring between the  Romans who acted from the center and outer ring.  Cincinnatus was hailed for his victory, asked to remain in office, but kindly declined and went straight back to his plough, because he knew 2 things to be true: 1. His treasured life was a humble one, but it was with his family, doing his job as provider and protector. 2. The power does not belong to a single man, it belongs to the people.  For those who don't know, George Washington is known as the American Cinncinatus, because he held power for the length of time necessary...never any longer.  

When your call comes, remember why you are going to serve on a jury.  Maintain our country's freedom in the ways you can by abiding by your responsibilities.