After 5 weeks without them this summer, Connor , Aiden, Lydia, and Maya are home from our beloved Pennsylvania!
I had expected them to be much later and had escaped to the bathroom mid afternoon, but by the time I walked out into the hallway, I saw a glimpse of my dear Aiden walking into his room. I gasped with disbelief and then said, "YOU'RE HOME!!!!"
Three of my babies were in the hallway. AIden, Lydia, and Maya had no choice but to be swept into my arms and given very tight and long squeezes for what felt like an eternity, to them at least. They all looked at me with smiles of innocence--complete innocence. They were probably thinking, "I'm going to suffocate Mom!!!!" They don't know what it feels like to be a mother, a very young mother, facing her own mortality as I raise these 5 very young babies.
After a long and loud afternoon of catching up, we were all famished and ready for some food. Dad willingly made the trek out with Steve to gather some pizza for the family. Mom stayed back to assist with bathing Gavin and catching up a bit--which was such a delight. I have a deep love and respect for my in laws, they have become some of the dearest people to me over the years.
At days end, I went into my daughters room. The girls were both laying there, ready to nod off. Actually, Lydia had declared an hour earlier that she was getting ready for bed, all without warning anyone that she was tired! Mom has said that Stephen use to put himself to bed at night--she takes after her father--a lovely trait to have!
When it came time to say Maya's prayer, she looked at me and said, "Mom why didn't you come with us to celebrate my birthday when we were here?" I had no clue what she was talking about--I thought we did celebrate her birthday together. I asked her what she meant. She said, "When we went to the place you went to with Lydia for her field trip for my Birthday, you didn't come...why? I really wanted you there," as tears swelled up in her eyes. She continued, "Because Mom, what if you aren't here for my next Birthday?" NOOOOO, I thought.....why didn't I go to this trip that I can't even recall, to celebrate my baby's Birthday with her? Because the chemotherapy has wiped some very important short term memories from me, called chemo brain, a literal thing that is happening to hundreds of thousands of people everywhere on chemo, I had to recall something to bring her comfort...and this is what came to my mind....
I told her that an Apostle of the Lord came to visit me while she was gone, and he told me something very particular that I wanted to tell her right now. He looked at me and said, "Yesterday is gone, there is nothing we can do about that. Tomorrow isn't even promised, so still that, we can do nothing about. The only thing you can do is live today, however you must to survive. There is no need to worry about the past, and no need to be anxious over how the future will turn out. Heavenly Father knows each and everyone of us and the days we will live, so today is what you must live in...and make it count!"
I know she is far too young to fully understand, and at times I am far too heartbroken to live by that guidance...but I try. I pray it will somehow be a comfort to look back and hear those words. It is my hope that I will have many more Birthday's with all of the children, but if I don't, I told her, "We need to live and love as much as we can today, so that if any of us are gone tomorrow, we will have nothing but good memories to hold on to." Realistically, we may still have hard days, hard communication patterns, and challenging experiences that may make a day feel sad and almost despair like for us all, but if we are trying, God will surely see the actions we have made with the hearts we have, and recompense the remainder for our good.
Little Maya...listen to the prophets words and heed them ever so wisely as you walk about this life. Have peace in today, as we did when your little freckled face lay perfectly on my shoulder and we cuddled for hours upon your arrival talking about all of the characters in your new Lego set. Have peace, and know that I love you forever, and whether I am here or not, you can hear me whispering those words of comfort to you, for I am your mother! You will always be my daughter, and God certainly knows that I would do anything to be near you, to raise you as a mother of physical appearance and frailty, or as a mother in spiritual light and whisperings.
Maya's tears were gone before her prayer was said, the lights were turned out, and her sweet body went into a deep slumber of healing and dreams.
I love you dear little one...we had a beautiful day...
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