Summer Vacation--Hmmmm

Been having  a mental block lately.  The kind that feels like it lasts forever....  There is truth to how the body reacts during pregnancy that can have a dramatic effect on how you feel.  I experienced 5 very hard pregnancies, but healthy enough to say they turned out enjoyable at one point or another.  This pregnancy is not like any of them.  It came in the middle of a health crisis that I was trying to find management for.  As a matter of fact, once a few answers came, a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.  Surprise right?  Well, to me it was kinda like, "Dangit!"  For awhile, I felt good about it.  I should recall those feelings because the thoughts I have now are acted upon by processes in my body that nobody can control.  When I try to tell someone about it, I am met with silence or the natural, "hang in there, it'll get better," or the even worse, "I hope they figure you out."  HA!  Like I'm a game or a puzzle that's too hard to solve.  So lame.  Honestly, most people I know would probably chuck it off as "mental health" issues--but believe me people, real things are happening to my main organs, including my brain, that are causing real symptoms.  If I lived for 3.5 years with things happening to  my kidneys that caused very real symptoms which inevitably has led to some damage that had to be managed by western medicine, then you can imagine that the body leaking toxic chemicals and having a hard time getting rid of them, will effect more than just my kidneys now.    I know we are all human, and we can only relate to the suffering we personally understand, but it gets old when no one personally understands your suffering.  This, on top of a long hard marriage--and you have recipe for disaster.

If I could explain it to anyone, I'd tell them, "You just don't feel whole.  And no matter how hard you try, you are left with a lack of sympathy from even those closest to you because 'everyone has babies, and there are complications all the time'.  Don't listen to those voices, especially from the people who should be closest to you and claim you are insane and can do what you once did, you just CHOOSE not to. (Yes I've heard that.)  I'd say get away from those people, because they are adding to a sense of instability that is not real.  What is real is that you aren't whole right now, and it may be a long time before you are.  There are pathways for a normal body to get rid of toxic buildup, but for few pregnancies, it doesn't work fast enough, and it may feel like you are never going to be on your own 2 feet again...but hold out.  You will.  Yet, if you can't get away from the people who make you feel less than you are, because I know how that is too, remember that right now you can't even escape the toxic buildup in your body that is making you feel less and less of a person.  For some reason, there is a reason for it all.  I can't see all things, but I have ALWAYS looked back and seen the answers come to fruition.   If the Savior is the only one who understands you, then count yourself noble, because that kind of suffering is built for nobility."  By the way, I love the name Patrick--and it happens to mean noble.  It would also stick with the Celtic theme we have named our children after; very symbolic of a great part of my personal Irish lineage--the "Shield sisters!"  Back on track--I hope that anyone suffering these feelings, initiated by real physiologic breakdown has a support system strong enough to pull them through, because it will feel impossible if your support system is damaged and broken.  My only saving grace are my children right now.  They are hard...because I have to get up and do so much for them still, but they are my purpose.  Hopefully more people than not have a very empathetic spouse or parent who can help them--that will make the world of a difference.  I count myself blessed to have glimpses of an empathetic spouse, but it is tainted with the other experiences that leave both of us feeling worse.  I'm no hypocrite--though my enemy list seems to grow.  I know I have caused damage upon hearts--especially my spouses.  I would prefer to hear that same humility in return, however.  It would make the world of a difference.

School is officially out.  The kids are already asking to do more than I can physically do in a day--here comes compromise.  ;)  To these amazing children-- enjoy your down time for now.  You know very well that school is draining, and now is your time to sleep in, play, help with some housework (HAHA!), and watch your favorite movies until midnight.  You'll be fine, that is a guarantee with your resilient spirits.

To baby #6 within me. I know you may not be struggling as much as I am, but your first dose of experience is quite a journey.  Keep kicking, let's try to fight this journey so we can both start to heal eventually.  17 weeks down, many to go.  You're a trooper.  Love you more than I can say, Mommy