Being Real, in Real Time

We sat around the table the last few Sundays, as a family, playing games.  Steve and I have dreamed for this day--when the boys are old enough to tell us what to do with the game rules as we laugh and joke about random nothings!  We still have little girls, so when they are there with us, the games are chosen to suit them.  It is STILL, and ever has been, fitting to dip into the youngest child's learning patterns in order to be unified as a family from the bottom up--it is only right!

We played a simple game, in which you roll some die, and with the pictures you randomly land on, you tell a story.  Story telling is kinda' challenging, it requires one to dive deep into their minds and pull out a plot...determine the setting and characters...perhaps even bring the story to a climax with an eventual outcome, and hopefully...a principle will be presented!

The magic in the game days is not really found in the story telling.

The magic begins as each member of the family comes together and shares a little bit of themselves, freely, with each other.

This, repeated over and over again, will instill trust.

I can laugh around them.

I can be goofy and make mistakes.

Maybe I can even get frustrated or angry when I lose, or accidentally kill off the main character in  my story!

There may be some tears cried over being the loser, but eventually you will be fine with losing; don't we all need that in this day and time?  NOT EVERYONE WINS!!!  In this life, we are all on different playing fields and it is mostly about gain and competition.  In this life, not everyone wins, and that's okay!  I was honored to hear my family proclaim Maya as the winner of our last game.  Maya is 3 and had no idea what she was doing as she tossed the pigs and I tallied points this past weekend, but it put a smile on her face!  I was even more delighted when I heard a happy little ring to Lydia's voice right after the victory shout for Maya; Lydia, who is 5, proclaimed, with a tune to the statement, "I'm the loser!!!"  We laughed so hard and everyone said it that night!  "I'm the loser!" 

Losing gives us gifts.  We are encouraged to come up with strategies, implement plans, follow through with hard things--like work!  Losing can give us greater satisfaction when one day we actually do win!  That will be a great day!

As I have been browsing people on facebook, and studying a few interactions here, and a few interactions there, I have realized, we are all just that, an image, to each other.

I once had personal conversations with people in high school, I fought with them, laughed at them, and I even cried many times with them.  It was wonderful because it allowed something beautiful to happen--we learned to trust and love each other.  I have since had those types of relationships form into a family of my own.  Though I know that there were a handful of people I felt personally connected to on facebook, I came to realize that my relationship with most of these people is not better than it was the last time I saw them face to face, or heard their voice on the telephone and received a letter in the mail, perhaps!

Though I did have some sweet friendships form through social networking, it was a sudden vision in clear view today when I looked at my REAL life and said, 

"I want people to know the real me.  I want people to laugh at how funny my stuttering is when I get tired, or angry.  I want to be flawed to them, because when you are flawed, you are more readily accepted as normal.  I don't want to portray a false image of being perfect, lest I give that impression to a woman half way across the U.S.--or world-- who is struggling and wondering 'why me?'"

I have been that woman who looks at the smiles, the perfect bodies, the funny stories, and the riches at times and said, "Why me?"  I'm not ashamed to admit that, there is a little bit of self pity in all of us.

But...when those thoughts came, I took a little inventory of the life I have had with my family for 12 years now.  I remembered being in a basement apartment with an 18 month old little boy and another on the way.  I recall making dinner one night when my sweet Connor dropped a pickle jar that was sitting by the trash to go out the next day.  This was a giant pickle jar, Costco size!  I heard a shatter and looked over to him, my little babe.  He was face down, over the entire shattered glass jar.  My mother in law upstairs had just left the house that night...I screamed "MOM!!!" in a desperate attempt to bring her to my side in-case my worst fears were fulfilled, upon examination.  There was no answer.  My husband and father in law were working together....I was alone, and about to experience the second parenting trauma I had ever had.  

I picked up my little guy and there was blood everywhere.  I examined the core of his body first, his abdomen and chest, and found nothing.  Then, my eyes found the source...it was his leg, right below his knee.  I saw a large triangular portion of glass,

jabbed into his leg.  I grabbed a white kitchen towel, pulled out the glass and wrapped the towel around his leg as tight as I could.  At this time, I didn't see the wound, but I saw a ton of blood trickling down the leg of his pants.  I called 911, begging for someone to come as fast as they could to help me. "I'm alone!," I screamed, "...he fell on glass and there's blood everywhere..."  Tears poured down my cheeks while he screamed and trembled in pain, not a piece of his body capable of movement as he was stifled in his fear.

Then it came, with quivers and crackles, some of the words hardly spoken...because of inevitable tears that flowed down my face...

"Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are.  Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky...Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are..."

The 911 call was still in progress until the paramedics arrived, which was about 10 minutes, and I sang on repeat for what felt like an eternity.

The paramedics were wonderful, fully equipped with a little bear to hand to my "Connor Dude" for the ride to the hospital.   

I had called my husband many times, and he, with his father, were rushing to meet us there.

When we arrived, they whisked Connor and me through a long plastic white tunnel, as the hospital was being remodeled, and into a room for immediate treatment.  I didn't know what the outcome was yet because I did what I needed to by nature, and I wrapped his leg tightly; they finally untied the towel at the hospital.  There was a lot of blood, and the gash was just below his knee, almost parallel to his foot and started at the middle of his knee cap, ending at his inner thigh.  I saw every layer of tissue as they irrigated the wound--all while my son screamed in agony and pain..tied to a board-- hands, feet, and head. I stroked his head...and Grandpa and Daddy arrived to comfort his as well, it was torture.  There were tears from Grandpa and Daddy; I recall a priesthood blessing being administered, and I recall every stitch they put into him.

My trembling, bloody fingers wiped his tears, and my quivering lips kissed his head.  The glass had lacerated the entire portion of fatty tissue and was in contact with the muscle, but it did not pierce the muscle.  He was within millimeters of his growth plate, the muscle, and the artery in his leg being pierced.  He was given a miracle that night--we were given a  miracle that night....his continued life.

I felt traumatized by the entire event.  I was 6 months pregnant, was within minutes of eating a bit of warm malt-o-meal with Connor when the accident happened, so I was hungry, and I was mostly just struck with grief.

My baby had to go home with a brace on his stitched knee and take a break from typical toddler movement for a small piece of time.

But still...I had my baby with me, and he was mine.

Steve drove the three of us home in the little car we had at the time.  I was in shock, but crying still.  He asked if we had eaten--to which I replied, "No, I was in the middle of making me and Connor dinner when the jar broke."   Suddenly, the flood gates opened as I said, "We only have $7 in the account though."  My Steve looked at me, and without hesitation, said, "That's okay, I'm gonna get you two something to eat right now.  I don't need anything."

After having 5 children, there are days that I go all day without eating and don't think about it anymore, but looking back helps me understand the feelings that accompanied that small act of love right there.  When he sacrificed his desires and needs for me and Connor, I was overcome with happiness and relief.  Every sacrifice we make, no matter how small, is met with a heart of joy by our God.  Life may dull our sensitivity to those acts in time, but it is never dulled when God is at the core of who you are, and you have eyes that can see. 

(a look back to 2-8-2005)

We were a small family that day, and the events were hard to bear.  Yet, I found unity and love in the basement as I  made a tiny humble meal for me and my son, I was happy with very little...the baby in my arms and the baby in my belly with a hard working husband were enough for me.  I didn't mind the basement, I didn't care a lick about sleeping in the same room we called our living room, dining room, and play room--it all was just meaningless stuff to me that I happened to have fun rearranging from time to time to see just how spacious I could make a one room apartment look!  I found incredible peace that night as I watched Steve and his dad bless my baby in the hospital, in front of the staff.  Then, as the days passed, I felt a large dose of love fill the home as my determined 18 month old child begged me to take him upstairs the following morning.  I was full of fear to even let him walk, but as soon as we got upstairs, he magically rolled his body out of my arms and hobbled (like a wooden leg pirate) to his grandma's bedroom door.  I don't recall even asking to go in; I only recall seeing him give all his effort to climb into bed with her and snuggle for some cuddle time.

 My outlet on the night of his accident was my family, my husband.  I didn't want to broadcast my event to the world.  All I needed was the love of God and the support from my husband as guilt tried to fill me with anger. My support was my God, my husband, and his parents....with the abiding love of the smile on my child's face when we sat together as he drank his chocolate milk from Wendy's late into the night on our little hand me down couch.  He ate as fast as he could, and even I was a little teary then; I just looked at him.  There was no phone in my hand, ready to post the latest event in the Fultz Family, and that was good.  It was good because today, I have memories that are built around being with my family through interaction, not only through space and time.

It's about time we we embrace each day with it's opportunities to be with our families and friends, instead of idolizing them in their perfect lives.  It's a good chance to build a foundation of interaction and love that you may need in order to get you through the harder times to come--because as technology gets better, we become more isolated, ironically.

Hug your babies, call your sisters or brothers, and tell your Mom and Dad how great they are through a letter, a phone call, or a surprise visit. Thank God for getting you through your hard days, because let's face it--it wasn't perfect for you or me today.

It's time to be real again.

How to avoid the techno age with Reading, Singing, and Laughing!

Warning: This post is not meant to be preachy, informative, or even perfectly composed.  It is meant to take a reader to the end, where they will laugh at the simplicity of a wonderful life!

Lately, I have been avoiding anything with a screen, that's chargeable, and requires a cable to keep itself powered....I mean ALMOST everything.  I do need a phone to fulfill critical tasks, like texting and calling sisters. I do need to access some curriculum for my children, but when it comes to spare time...
give me a good book,
give me a little bit of quiet time for a nap,
or just give me solitude to think and do nothing at all!!!

So...with my new found hatred of the techno age necessities (or so we think they are necessary!), I am losing my drive to do the things I love, like blog, write, and even reminisce.

Lest, I lose that drive and talent forever, let us start again; however uneasy this relationship may feel to rekindle!

I have spent countless hours with my children this past school year reading.
We read about Cinderella stories; not the ones you are familiar with, but the ones that are carried through different cultures and times, the ones that make your heart go "wow, life is beautiful!"

We read about warriors...the many awful ugly ones, and then the few beautiful ones.
We have learned about Cyrus, he is known as Cyrus the Great.  Did you realize that as the ten tribes of Israel were scattered, he, through the goodness and grace of God, was able to gain the land of Canaan and rule over it for a time.  When he took over the land, he gave the Jews that were still living in their promised territory the right to build temples and worship God.  He wanted them to feel free...to literally be free.  God speaks about him In Isaiah as HIS, doing His will, though he (Cyrus) knows Him not. Cyrus truly was great!!!  He was even so great that the Babylonians, as prophesied by dear Isaiah, would literally open their gates to him and his armies, almost begging him to be their new leader because they (the Babylonians) were so tired of the cruel and enslaving leadership they were subject to.

I have learned that all through history there are good people.

I have learned that all through history that the bad people eventually bring upon everyone ugliness and calamities, destruction, and natural punishment by God.

Today, we learned about dear Socrates.  He lived in Athens about 400 years before Christ was born.  He was not a lovely fellow to look upon. Actually, he was said to have large lips, a flat nose, and bulging eyes.  It is interesting how that these themes have been common in history....some of the most brilliant minds and lovable souls opposed their physical appearance.  He eventually had a wife who treated him cruelly, so I would say he really didn't have a wife, he had a bully in his own home.  He was naturally loving and kind, he was naturally born to show forth the will of God in all things.   He was a teacher, and he loved teaching philosophy so very much that he refused payment for his skills and talents.  He wore rags and was mocked daily.  Instead of fighting against his accusers, he would smile and offer words of kindness.  Sadly, he was falsely accused through his life, and in one accusation, the punishment was death.  In this particular month, death could not immediately happen, and so he was enslaved until the following month.  He did, however, have students who loved him, one of which was Plato.  They arranged a way to get Socrates out of prison, to live the free life he deserved.  Socrates refused, stating that he would rather die in truth over living in guilt (the guilt of breaking the law by getting out of prison).  I taught my boys some his beautiful statements today, they dug deep into the meanings and then they interpreted them so beautifully.

"Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults" Socrates
"Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel" Socrates

At the end of each day we are turning more towards books...long hours are spent reading to the girls, reading to the boys, and then getting our scriptures in as well.

Tonight, as we were singing, I decided to pick a song that the children are working on for Primary, "I Stand All Amazed"!  There is one lyric which says, "I tremble to know that for me he was crucified"
As I sang this line, I raised my hands as Jesus had his hands raised on the cross when he was crucified.  I tend to talk and sing with my hands...hence, sign language was  a very good class for me in college!

Maya interrupted immediately with, "George was crucified too!!!!!"  She said it with enthusiasm and awe!  I was totally confused and brushed it off until the song was over.  I would have brushed it off longer, but I have inquisitive children who asked questions and researched the answers for themselves!

Question: Why would Maya say George was crucified?
Evidence: Maya said, "George was crucified."  Maya raised her arms in the same manner I did
Research: Look at the book Maya was looking at while we were reading!
Conclusion: Maya said George was crucified as well because the picture she was looking at when we sang that lyric was this....

Thank you Maya, for lifting my soul with happiness as you dived into you books as we read tonight!

Random happenings

In case you were wondering, the sleep taking continues!  Actually,  I was laying here listening to my husband fall asleep. He asked me if everything was okay. I answered with a simple,  "yes,  why?"

What came next proved he was sleeping,  "because Connor went out,  didn't he?"

I played along with, "well,  Connor went to bed already!" (and I shoulda added the fact that he's not old enough to be out without us!!!)

Beyond those sweet murmurs,  I am trying to capture this stage with the children while staying sane all at once. 

Aiden was watching the little chicks in the garage after church. They pecked away at a box they are temporarily in,  and one got a piece of foil and ran with it!  Aiden came running to me  i

with this beautiful image of happiness,  explained,  "the one chick had the 

foil in it's mouth and was running and all of the other ones were running after it. It was like chick football!"  He was so excited and so animated,  his smile beaming with awe over the wonder he just witnessed!

Did i mention my precious Maya?

I was cleaning the house on Saturday last week, before church.  I came across some change and strategically placed it beside the gumball machine.  

I was lucky enough to be in the kitchen, getting some last minute things done when I saw Maya climb onto the counter and find the money!  Yes, this was a set-up, but no, I wasn't hanging out waiting for the catch!  Sometimes Heavenly Father aligns our day perfectly with another persons day, and we are left in awe over His intricate timing!

Tender Realities

It's funny,  when you face life's realities,  you start to see people in a different light. I guess it all depends on who you are ultimately,  and what drives you to love people.

I've seen people drawn to others for mere attraction. While I think that is innate,  an instinct we all have,  I also believe that if it's the only source of connection,  that relationship is doomed to fail.

Fortunately,  those whom we are attracted to are usually those who we find mutual interests with--be it as little as your drive for finding the funniest movie to make you smile at days end,  to something as great as seeing God in all things.

I'm also learning that sometimes we are moved to love people because we understand their sufferings,  their griefs,  their sorrows. There are pros and cons here as well. While WE love those people and are truly suffering with them in grief,  they must make us a part of their life by accepting the empathy we offer....or not. The great part of the plan that allows us to have deep lasting relationships,  or to have self satisfying ones,  moved by our needs alone,  depends on our choice to mutually accept someone as a friend and offer ourselves to their needs as well, or, like I said....not. 

In attempting to love,  there are times when that mutual understanding of love,  is,  well,  not mutual. There are relationships worth fighting for to the end of your life to attain that beautiful possibility,  and then there are relationships that simply need to pass,  like the winds that strip the fragile feathers from a dandelion. Just one gust,  one choice,  one strong and courageous move,  and the pain of not being mutually loved, cared for,  and most importantly,  accepted,  can be gone.

If only the heart was as easy to strip of pain as dandelions are of their delicate feathers.

Funny Fatigue

I have to laugh at the exhaustion we face daily.  I was dozing off in the car all afternoon after having spent most of my night finishing nursing competencies. Though my boy said I was sleeping,  I recall answering every question,  responding to each child's complaints,  listening and communicating about Glenn Beck, and telling every single person in the car,  "I'm actually trying to get some rest!"

After getting settled at home tonight,  my husband walked in on me laying,  half asleep,  in bed. He laughed,  plopped down,  and called us old!!

I let him know I would gladly fall asleep to a TV show,  but I'm not going to stay up all night!  In his goofy fatigue,  he started trelling me about his restless legs, claiming I don't really know what they feel like. While we both laughed,  I said,  "Don't you dare tell me I don't know what they feel like!  I spent 5 pregnancies with them,  accompanied by pinched nerves,  cramped calves,  blood circulation being cut off from big babies,  nausea.... every single day.... and then natural birth!" (Never mind the lifetime mothering part I'm doing now!)

He giggled,  half asleep,  and said,  "You were healed.... Why did you do that?"

He was obviously half way between sleep and life,  so I played along, stating  "I did it for God!!  I brought God's children to the earth!"

I then woke him asking if he was gonna put the boys to bed. I have been stuck putting kids to bed for almost a month with very little help. He's been working hard, and I just wanted some help!  He immediately said,  "Yes,  I'll do that and you can get things ready for Captain No Name!"

"What???" I squealed,  "Who's Captain No Name???  I sure as heck am not making a meal or anything tonight!"

He woke in laughter asking what HE was talking about,  and then we both laughed until I kicked him out of the room to put the boys to bed.

Moments later,  after I realized he wasn't going to be successful at putting the children to bed,  because "I guess you can put yourself to bed" doesn't quite work with 8 and10 year old boys, I took over; then I returned to the bedroom and asked if I should turn the lights out. He responded with, "I thought the showers were done,  I don't know what you were doing with the stickers.... I'm not sure what to do about the sheets!"

Needles to say,  I had to wake him  before he drifted into a deep sleep to make him giggle with me over "showers,  stickers,  and sheets", all of which made no sense to either of us.

I've always feared the words that  escaped my mouth in my extreme exhaustion. Most of mine made sense to a health care mind,  "Go call for help,  start compressions, heat rate dropped to 40, etc." while jumping off the couch or outta bed. My children and hubby would laugh in confusion. Now,  those night shift dilemmas are plaguing my boy.  I guess I can rightfully claim that we best understand one another by experiencing like scenarios. I believe we've experienced many like days, and I'm so grateful we can laugh about it!

Goodnight tired Daddy. Your funny words of nothing gave me too much silly life as I try to fall asleep beside you!  I love you.

By the way,  Maya has recently requested that her hair be styled this way,  and she has self proclaimed it as "helmet hair!"

Love is in the air!

I adore my children,  and in that statement, a lot can be implied.

I love them to the depths of doing anything for them and their welfare--I'm not gonna lie,  homeschool is hard!!! 

I love them enough to put my needs aside to care for them,  every single day--and when you're suffering from an autoimmune disease that really drains the life out of you, there is a lot of mind over matter that you begin to practice.  Lab values,  and most importantly,  the symptoms,  seem to be worsening for the time being.  It is a process to find the triggers to which the body responds that provoke attacks against itself. 

I love them enough to say NO--parents,  this is the best way to raise right minded and respectable children. Say no to too much tv, no to tons of video games,  no to the endless begging for treats,  but YES to quality time activities, good books, and acts of kindness.

I love them enough to say,  "sometimes,  I need to get away and take care of me in order to better care for you."  I'm not going to lie,  I am not too good at this. It wasn't until recently that I agreed with my husband when he said that I should get out a few times every month,  alone, to feel a recharge.  As mothers,  the salvation of so many souls is in our creative and loving hands. We should love ourselves enough to take the time,  small amounts of money, and energy to commune with the true source of our strength,  God. That time may be spent exercising,  reading alone for half a day, sleeping,  going to the temple,  etc. Regardless,  it should leave you with a sense of power and increased love that only you can give to your little flock.  Service and love for mankind is amazing,  and so are you. You serve those around you every day,  don't forget the Beautiful You that needs to cast aside the worries of daily life once and awhile. I wish I was a better example of this advice,  but I'm a pretty good learner of truth.... and this is so very true.

In homeschool this week we were super busy with many lessons and activities!  Then,  at weeks end,  my little sister took all the cousins and forced the parents to go on dates.   It's been a year since I've been out with Steve alone. It was wonderful. The children had a Valentines party and we saw "Winter's Tale".  Be prepared for tears,  symbolic principles of love and purpose,  the great battle we fight daily between good and evil, the divine purpose of life,  and some sweet fun humor.  I couldn't have asked for a better Valentines date.

I was pleased when we came home for the children. My sister stood with me and expressed the detailed character traits she cued in on with each and every child. She was so attentive to them!  To Connor's calculated duck face limbo moves with his awkward lanky limbs, to Aiden's furrowed brow as he focused on getting his body under the bar. Then she spoke of Lydia's expressions of doubt regarding her ability to attempt a limbo--though she attempted and succeeded just fine,  to Maya's ability not only to do the limbo but to roll her body out of a back bend every so "dance like"!  That focused attention is what makes a person so child friendly,  what a gift!  I felt incredibly blessed and recharged after a day with my husband.  At days end,  there were tears over not being able to play video games at home on a Saturday; time simply didn't allow for it to be. My ability to say no made me feel quite capable of the lofty task of raising children in a hard world. Now that's true love; one day they will thank me!

Oh, such beautiful truth....

From my reading tonight. ...

"But that night,  he (father) stepped into the door,  I burst into tears.  'I need you!' I sobbed, 'you can't die,  you can't. '

....Father sat down in the edge of the narrow bed. 'Come, ' he began gently, 'when you and I go to Amsterdam,  when do I give you your ticket?'

I sniffled a few times,  considering this. 

'Why just before we get on the train. '

'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we are going to need things, too.  Don't run ahead of Him,  Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die,  you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-- just in time.' "

Oh how perfectly the gospel is found in every moment of our righteous lives,  His power is in every action and experience which we can pattern our life after sacred and deep gospel truths. 

Take the ticket when it's given,  and trust that someway,  and in the beautiful details of life,  you have been prepared to face heartache,  grief,  and mourning--sometimes unsoothable for a season.  Trust. Believe. Seek. Do these things in Christ,  and I promise answers... to the Why's,  the How's,  and the Where's.