Heaven

I went to bed last night far before anyone else did in my home.  It's the easiest way to make time pass.  I woke this morning and found myself trying to recall things from the very recent past, within the last 3 years, that I couldn't recall.  I had a conversation with Connor that went much like this:

Me: I use to drive this route to school for you and Aiden almost every day. (as we were in the car on the way to school)

Connor: (nods head--much like a teenager does!)

Me: Wait....I did use to drive you to this school right? (He has attended 7 different schools now, not including home school)

Connor: (nods head)

Me: No, you use to ride the bus.  Connor, when we moved into this house, didn't you ride the bus?

Connor: (nods head...absent mindedly???)

Me: Oh Connor, I can't remember if I drove you or if you rode the bus, but I'm pretty sure this route looks familiar...but I also remember you riding the bus.  I don't know....

In the end, I believe we did both...if my memory serves me right.  I believe I drove them to school their first year there, and I think they rode the bus their second year there.  Good thing they only went there 2 years, because a third year would make me insane if I tried to recall it all!

I pulled out a scrapbook that only has three pages done in it so far after I got home from taking Connor to school.  Looks like I have been having memory problems longer than I realize.  (I guess memory problems become something we can't place a date and time on, because we can't remember!) First of all, there are only 3 pages done because every time I tried to start scrap-booking, I stopped.  Nothing was good enough for me.  I wanted the book to be perfect, because my son, who I only had for 4 months, was perfect.  I didn't want a single flaw to adorn these pages...and in not wanting it to be flawed, I ended up never really finishing it.  I hope to someday.  Upon inspection, I saw that there was one major flaw....Shane wasn't born on the 4th of December.  Well, after I looked at it today, I thought, "Wait, was he born on the 4th?" and I almost texted somebody to find out.  I'm going to stick with my instinct on this one because I don't want to sound like an idiot to anyone, and I'm going to say he was DUE on the 4th, but he was born on the 2nd of December.  This sound right...to anyone who still believes in reading blogs...and who would know?

Heaven help me, my memory is going.....

It is all too fitting though, that I even pulled this book out.  I hadn't forgotten about these three pages, but I was thinking of putting my letters from my children into a book, and I pulled this one down, knowing it only had a few pages started anyhow.  When I opened it. I couldn't find it in me to use this particular book for anything but Shane.  It reminded me of what came to me as I slept the 13.5 hours I did last night.  Ridiculous huh?  I'm really not liking life lately.

I held a little baby boy in this dream.  Actually, I was left in a place where I didn't feel that I would have  a place to reside.  I didn't have much, nor need much.  I had a little baby boy, and he was so new.  I needed a place for me and him to stay.  A father figure and his family said they had space in their home for me.  I felt bad, but I also felt that it was the right thing to do.  I have always taken care of myself, and now I was in a position to rely on this man and his family to care for me, as I cared for...and did the critical task of raising my little boy.  I recall the father in this family being very stout in figure, very protective you could say.  The mother was nurturing, as the first thing she did when we entered their home was go to a room upstairs to prepare a comfortable place for me and my son.  I was in a beautiful room; there was a twin size bed against a wall in the room that looks much like I would have a room look like for a guest, cozily decorated with a colorful hand stitched quilt.  At the foot of the bed, there was a place for my little son to lay and sleep, as I slept with him...just above him.  I remember holding him, feeding him, and placing him down in the cradle at my feet to sleep. He looked exactly like the image I have of Shane above.

Interestingly enough, when I enter my final rest for the space of time upon this earth, I will lay in a place within the cemetery where Shane already lays...and he will be at my feet.  That bed waits for me.  I'd be lying if I didn't say it didn't sound appealing at this phase in life.

As I always do, I woke this morning and left that dream to the stirrings of my mind.  All I could say when I rose was that it felt as though I was in Heaven last night...holding him, feeding him, and knowing he was with me still...waiting for me.