Grieving. ..

I should be sleeping as I approach the end of this awful flu. I should be dreaming of who knows what,  but my mind and heart just want to do good....to write.

It was a week and a half of being spoiled rotten. I had grandma and grandpa here for Lydia's 5th birthday. In that time,  we took a last minute trip to Arizona,  toured the Gilbert temple open house,  stayed in a hotel,  ate yummy food,  and we even took them to see a movie before they took off.

Every once in awhile we experience these glimpses of pure joy.  I find myself grieving,  that is the best term for it. It sounds ridiculous,  it sounds as if I'm exaggerating.... but I'm not. I miss them when they're gone.

I wonder where those days went when we all lived in the same home. Though inconvenient for my husband,  it was a bonding time for me with my inlaws I do not regret. I wish my relationship with every member of my family was as deep. I wish we could all see the goodness for the most part,  and realize that any negative character is most likey related to trauma and heartache.

I have brothers in laws,  a sister in law,  many nephews and nieces, and one of my greatest fears is not holding them all again and saying "I LOVE YOU,  not your faults,  not your fears,  not your self doubts. ...I LOVE YOU,  in the beauty you were created to be".  Would it resonate with peace or come across as a tinkling cymbal?  Would the bar of its beautiful rhythm sink in,  or would it appear comical coming from young and naive lips?

I'd like to think I know a small degree of wisdom. I've known the courageous act of putting aside my physical and needs for the sake of a family,  for our deep desire to have a roof over our heads (sometimes that came one month after another)  I've known the pain of returning back to a full time (plus) working routine after giving birth 6 weeks ago to my 5th born child. In those moments,  I smiled, though my heart quivered in silent tears. The tears fell in solitude. I've known death at its darkest,  and it being your child is indeed dark and harrowing.  I've recentky known that you can be an athlete your entire life,  and then Father can grab your health,  in hopes for a season.

But in all I've known,  I've had glimpses of love and peace. That is why I still smile. I'm praying the next glimpse is soon, and more peaceful than I can imagine.