Time

How do you really measure experience?  How do you measure love and memory?  Time is such a temporal and mortal frame of reference and a blurry measurement that is, in itself, so finite to man.

But man....and woman...is not finite.  Nor are memories and experience—they are all infinite, eternal, and ongoing.

It is my belief after having had so many experiences in such a short lifetime, that one thing is certain—there is no real end to the miraculous consciousness within us, no end to the experiences we have, the ladders we climb, the love we can give and receive, and the hope we have in something more.  I do not say what we have is never enough, but I elude to a more complete, fair, joyous, and perfect existence with those we are temporally close to in proximity, AND those whom we love which have been separated by distance in this lifetime, this life...time.  Life and time seem to hold two truths, in our mortal-trained thought; they both come to an end, but they both actually move on—ironically.  What we began here commenced before, and whom we love here,  we have loved before. What ends here, only moves on, and whom we love here are always a part of us...I have no doubt of these truths. 

Much has happened in the 39 years I have lived. I can recall handfuls of moments that were too close to death's door to say that my life is an accident, and it will never end as such.  God has carried me in His tender hands and preserved me, though He’s let me walk in the fire in order to learn as much as I can about how to love and succor those who are His—all of God’s children, all humanity, creation, and matter.  I have kicked and tantrumed through some of His paths, begged for escape, and have even walked that awful line, pleading for death.  I am certain God, Creator, or Source knew every ounce of knowledge and suffering brought into those moments and was more concerned with loving me through them than condemning me for the gift of this journey.  This has been taught to me by experience alone—we can only know suffering and unconditional love once we have suffered.  It is foolish to think we can understand, judge, or even offer wisdom to another until we have walked in their shoes.  Until then, we love as best as we can.  Only love...

God is Love.

I am Love.

 You are Love.

Were it not for our experiences, we wouldn’t come to understand Him so well.

I type this as my daughters are thumbing through all of their memorabilia and showing me their trinkets--word written, photos captured, and old jewelry from their short life, while saying, “Remember this?”  They follow it with a cute story of their recollection, and I have my own story that I can add to it in order to bring a whole truth to our little truths combined.  

A lot has happened in the last 3.5 years...I can’t believe I’m saying that because it means I haven’t done one of my most needful things in way too long—write, recall, remember. But when you are in survival mode, you can literally only survive and pray that all the little energy that you have is enough for each day.  I had to let a lot of things go, but every first few priorities on the "need to do" list— in its own way, got done.

To start the next transition of my journey here are a few of my children—all of my children are the loves of my life.  Miss Maya just celebrated her 10th Birthday this year—and she surely made the most of it, as I had just been in surgery the day before her Birthday.  Good thing the Birthdays all have a quarantine theme to them lately—drive-by visits from the Fultz grandparents with social distancing conversations, wiping gifts off with disinfectant before they enter the house, and living by faith that the cake makers did a good job with their food hygiene skills—so far, we’ve been fine!

Of course, little man got in on the “burrfday” action as well, because every Birthday is his Birthday too these days. He has a knack for stealing your heart with every glance, word, and very tender touch.    This little man is the twinkle in my eye, the pep in my step, the salt on my lemon, and the sunshine in my cloudy skies—he has made my life journey so full, even in such brokenness.  It has been a joy to watch as the two youngest children gravitate toward each other in playtime—I still have some pure innocence in the home!

 Maya has been so involved in art and style this year. She is also an excellent runner. She ran several 5k’s in the last several years and was training for her 3rd 5k when coronavirus took the kids out of school and out of group training. 

This is a tired me with the Birthday girl—this was a day after major surgery for me, so I am trying my hardest but feeling a little off.

Birthday kisses!

and Birthday FUN!

I love you little love...Maya.  You make every day wonderful and fun.  Thank you for the last 10 years. You have a sensitive and tender spirit and can love beyond measure; always love, but learn to protect your heart and find calm in your storms.  You are always enough—you are divine! I love you, little girl...Mommy