I've hardly been able to pull my self out of bed today. I can say that for most days, but lately things have felt like they have become too unbearable to live thorough. Aside from feeling like I can hardly function because I'm always so tired, I found myself in a position where I could have almost predicted this last week, by dream alone.
We all have some kind of dreams, whether we recall them or not. Sometimes they mean everything and sometime one would say they are merely the recovering of the body and brain as it recalls the events of our days. I'd shed a light on dreams all together by saying that MY dreams are rarely about recovery, more than they are about warnings, premonitions, and even events from beyond our realm of understanding unfolding before us.
So I had a dream the other night that most of us would pass off as a fear--realistic, logical, fear. I had lost a tooth and only mush remained behind. That sucks, to lose an adult tooth. Many people have these dreams right? They most likely, by dream "experts", are foretelling of something happening in your life, that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....
In my real life, just a day later, I lost an adult tooth. And guess what was left behind--mush. I cried, of course. After living with failing health for longer than I can even recall now, I have had 6 root canals performed, most of the other teeth filled with "fillings" because of cavities, and have had to have a tooth pulled. I lost my wisdom teeth back in the end of High School, so that left me with 24 teeth to care for since. If I can get to a dentist, because we are dead broke and failing at even paying our freaking bills, I will be left with 22 teeth--with even more in need of being pulled by now. I suck at caring for what I've been given, obviously.
I have cared for my teeth much better than some, have been ridiculed by dentists for having not cared for them well, and have cried tears of unwelcome shame for being misunderstood. Non of these physicians knew that my body took a turn for the worse with one health ailment after another when the worst part of my teeth issues began.
So, I'm at the point of feeling severe pain when I eat because my other teeth are falling apart as well. By now, I HATE FOOD, and ironically it is what I need to get better. I simply don't want it though, especially with our current situation.
I went to the pharmacy today. I sat alone, with strangers glancing and looking away quickly. That's the story of my life. I almost grew to hate how society just allows each other to suffer by being ignorant. I felt like my world was crumbling as I waited for more crappy medications that I pay way too much for every month. I felt alone in a world of selfishness. Everyone was about their own tasks, for their own good, looking their best while doing it, and I sat in sweat pants, a baggy shirt, bald as crap, stinky, and crying. Each tear that fell was almost like an invisibility cloak was placed over me again and again, so as to not show the world that I needed comfort. Then I looked at my watch--it read 3:07--the time my son in heaven was born. Maybe you have to know life and death to understand me now, because the only seat that wasn't empty in my row of chairs was mine. Then it hit me, he was sitting right beside me--because when no one would offer mercy to a woman grieving in a pharmacy, he was there.
Life still feels ugly and worthless today--it's the nature of the beast.
I don't want to do radiation therapy. It's supposed to start soon. I just want to end this suffering. I am far from being healed, especially in spirit. I don't see how I can be right and whole right now with how I feel. The children have hardly seen me today. I feel like a failure.
Who ever said having cancer while having 5 children dependant on your care was even possible? I guess God did. I'm doubting His rational.
I feel so alone....
To the broken hearts and bodies out there today, I feel you..
Crys
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