The Life Daddy Gave

Dear Daddy—

You came to me last night.  I wasn’t sure if I was awake when you arrived or not, but I felt you coming.  At one point, I was very conscious of your presence with me—I could see your strong stout figure as you approached, light shone from behind you, and I saw the smile you always give me when we are together.  I know the look of concern you give is the other frequent expression on your face, and it

is so often nestled with the love, but this time you just looked so happy to see me.  I walked towards you and felt the path I had always walked into your arms hundreds of times over come to mind as we did this walk last night.  You took me in your arms—protectively, lovingly, and with great honor.  Thank you for loving me that much Daddy—that even though I have lived a life of pain and hardship that is remembered by the trail of tears I leave with each step I take—even though I fall down and repeat the mistakes I’ve made again and again—you still feel honor when you hold me.  

Maybe that’s the gift of knowing me a little more completely now?  I truly don’t know.  I can imagine that to you, I am not a linear span of time in your life—perhaps it’s as if all of our moments together can now be put into one big picture.  Maybe now you can see me with 360 degree vision—where you fully comprehend the things about me that made you so weary and fearful that the love between us wasn’t as deep on my end as it was on yours.  Can you see now that my love and longing for you has always been there?  Can you see that none of the fears you had about us were founded upon anything that ever happened between us, they weren’t even related to us—they were just related to me and all of these rocks and heartaches I’ve been carrying for so long.  I imagine you are hearing the things I never told you and are so much more capable of helping me now that your bag of awful burdens has been laid down—now that you can be with me no matter what barriers of distance , frailty, and heart are between us.  I hope you are here more than ever because I need you now...more than ever.  

I miss you Daddy. I miss you so so much.  I’m still that fragile little girl who shed tears in high school because we had to go back home too soon on a weekend we had with you—only now I’m shedding those tears because it feels like you were called home too soon, and I didn’t have enough time to tell you all the things I needed you to hear.  I had been trying to save my life and sending out little silent pleas to you as the isolation of cancer treatment and reovery turned what was already too hard for me to bear into something I almost couldn’t escape.  Right as you were leaving this world, I was coming to gain intuition and determination to change the course of my life—the week you died was my first week on a new path that could potentially end much of my suffering.  Your life ended as mine was being given back to me—were you a part of that magic?  I can’t help but wonder if the baby girl you held so proudly and gave life to with beautiful Mom is the baby girl you were willing to part from and give a little bit of you over to in order to give me life and hope again....  Thank you for all the life you gave. 

But I never did call you when you told me to reach out to you on the days when I was so lonely and couldn’t take it anymore after I nearly died.  If I lived true to that promise, I woulda called you everyday for the last 16 months of your life...but I know you understand that reaching out when you’re letting go is impossible.  I was letting go.  But I think I’m okay now Daddy. You had to have been a part of that process, though I know for certain I had to dig deeper than I’ve ever dug to be able to say, I’m okay.  You have to be a part of the magic that is literally breathing life into me again.  Thank you Daddy....

I miss you...

I miss you so much....

You’re little Nightingale,

Crystal Marie