I wrote this post between one missed appointment and another one later in the day, which I actually got to. Just didn't get to click the "publish" button. Most often, I look back at my writing and see the significance in, perhaps, years. The older I get, the closer I find myself seeing my written word being a foreshadow of events God already knows to be. Today, it was only a few hours between the writing and the awe.
Original Post at around 1:45pm:
I post this today because I had an experience this morning that reminded me of the strain upon me that I need to let go....and watch it fly away. We all have something that fits that category. I was referred to a Cardiologist, a plea I made for 2.5 years to one medical professional, but she thought it wasn't necessary. My new doc, after looking at one set of lab values, and wthout me even asking him to refer me, sent in a referral to a Cardiologist. I nearly cried when I got the call, because waiting for many years, praying for God's hand to be done, going through the paralytic experience in June which led me to MD's who told me they insisted I get a team of MD's on my case since it is so complicated, and then not even choosing my doctor, having it chosen for me by the hospital, watching him use his knowledge...hearing he gained knowledge I had that he didn't quite yet (humbling himself, saying "I don't know what that is" when he didn't, with a sweet smile), and thanking me for letting him read it between appointment #1 and #2; all these things gave me validation, finally. It almost felt like my work was simply to go where they tell me to go now....those long years of pleading for answers and asking for referrals were the work which led me to a place where God could finally carry me. I still must walk, as strenuous as it may sometimes be, into that referral office, but I felt carried by His Hand these last several weeks.
I got to my Cardiology this morning and after having asked the sweet lady yesterday where to go 2 times, she hesitated and said I would go to the main hospital. I did. They didn't have me in for an appointment. So, I sat talking with a smile to the lady, Miss Lenora, who was checking me in. She saw my disappointment, though I sought to keep my face calm and my conversation cheerful. She felt my weariness, and of the two recpetionsists I could have seen, she opened right as my number came up. We worked through the confusion, and sat in silence for a moment. I told her what I discerned to have been the cause for confusion, and it was confirmed that I was correct, a few hours later. (Good brainwork there--no blame put on anyone, just a simple understanding of what I saw as a simple accident.) After I told her my rationale, she agreed, then I said I was a little frustrated, and became vulnerable. When I say I'm frustrated, it's not in anger, it's said with a little grin, a few tears that won't fall yet, and a calm voice, like a timid child. She looked at me, thought some more, and whispered, "Are you a believer?" Then....the tears broke through and I said with such honor, "Yes!" She said, "Don't you worry baby girl. God is in control and He always will be." (looks aside and quiets her voice a bit...workplace sharing of religious values is prohibited, but I gave her permission to talk to me). She said she had to be cautious because you can't talk to others about these things, but then she said, "Now when these feelings come over you, you know honey, it is only the Adversary trying to destroy your soul. He is fighting hard, and he will never win, so when you feel this frustration or anxiety come over you, you say 'Get behind me Satan, in Jesus name, you leave me. I am not my anxiety, and I am not my frustration. You give that to me.' And then you whisper 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...'" She was bold, but that moment was needed by me today. I was in tears as I told her of how beautiful her soul was, and how my beliefs are solid with hers, I told her that when I allow my Savior in, His peace comes, and Satan has to leave. She nodded a gentle motherly nod and said that, "God is in control. He knew you would sit face to face with me today. He knew what you would need to hear. He knows the timing of when you will find all your answers, and when you find them...." I gently interrupted, and said, "When it happens, I give Him the Glory, because it all comes by Him." Her sweet smile returned, she held my hand, and we both wept for a moment. Note, I had never told her the details of my journey, she only knew I was there for some heart procedures. In prayers, over this week, I have sought God to give me direction, to give me the knowledge I need of my path towards healing--the right or wrongfulness of it. I read my scriptures and received clear answers each time, and one of the strongest ones that came several times was the fact that little by little, help and answers will come....but when they do, the Glory will go to God....because by His hand, whom I am reaching out to more than ever in this battle, there will be answers, relief, or even just peace of mind, if relief can't come. My peace of mind is here....because of my answers; He delivers when we seek Him out. Only He can bring lasting peace. If I didn't seek Him, I'd be stressed, confused and weary. Now, as noted above, all the rest is simply work. I'm pretty good at work. ;-)
So, when I got home from the missed appointment, and waited to drive an hour and 15 minutes to my rescheduled appointment, I looked at my pictures, my fond recent memories. Documenting them was my stress relief.
My Christmas Cheer:
You will see that I do actually see Christmas as a stress relieving time of year. This year, I was inspired to get all the shopping done before November...and take luck in promptings...because we found out shortly into November that we were being asked to leave our home within 30 days. We are still in transition, as gentle persuasion does in fact assist in our cause, but it didn't prevent some heavy wrongs done. I'd rather simply get over it and move on, so I am...Christmas has been so relieving for me these last 2 years because I have chosen to sing in The Messiah production we put on in our county. Every week, for 6 prior, a couple hours on Sunday evenings, a group of beautiful souls--some of my favorite people--came together to sing and prepare to praise our Lord and His divine ministry to the world. The following are all the pictures I captured that night--I'm quite big on photos.
My family....always telling me they can pick out my soprano tone, and they love the highest notes the best. They are learning to love the Messiah as they hear me practice at home, especially the children. Aiden practiced a run of sixteenth notes that he heard me master this year...it's a LOOOOOOOONG run peeps! His tone will fit a tenor one day...I love him so much. He has my same drive, same gentle loving spirit who feels pain deeply, can love easily, and stands for himself ever so....well, we kinda over do it when we defend ourselves. I defend on occassion very selectively, and he does too...I've seen his patterns, we both have some mastering to do. Once it's done, I think he'll be ready for greater things... Connor is a very controlled person, calm, non reactive--AMAZING. He doesn't see the use in getting upset over every little thing, and that is such a beautiful trait to have at the prime age of 12. Lydia is a face value, "I won't do this until I want to, and you can kinda deal with that," kinda gal. Man, she is determined, and even though it makes for some hard parenting days, she has a gift. When she uses it to defend herself as a Daughter of God in all the virtuous ways she has and will learn to use, she will be strong as a scepter, springing forth from God himself. Maya is gentle as a lamb, and she, of all my children, will be called a peacemaker. She has the normal 5 year old tricks she pulls, but goodness, there is a tenderness in her touch, a softness in her voice, a love in her heart, and a longing for others comfort and care that she carries in her verbal prayers everyday that shows me she is innately showing her Daughter of God characteristics. I would say all three of usgirls strive to display them: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. I believe a Daughter of God can calm a storm with the touch of her hand or the calmness of her tender voice, and a Son of God can carry powers greater than he cold ever imagine, to protect, provide, and preside in righteousness, by kindness. I believe we choose our path, and will be given these gifts as we prove our willingness to temper our wills and look to God in all things. I have a son who was already refined enough, who would never need the pain of this world to learn those characteristics. I have him--he's mine; that tells me divinity runs through our veins. Sweet Shane, you remind me daily that my actions will allow me to be with you one day, and I will bless this world by my faith so long as I must, and can, live here. I will teach your siblings to do the same. And Daddy, if there is anything he loves, it is me singing and him listening on. I use to be afraid to sing in front of him--then I realized we only live once. So, here...you have my beautiful family above.
We start and end with family...just happened to perfectly fall in line that way!
