Perfect Feet

I went into work on Monday night, 3/07. I found my self drawing connections to my Great Grandma Maymie...whose Birthday is 3/07 and my beautiful son Shane, who was born at 3:07 am. My mind is deep...and there are times when all I do is think, draw connections, think some more, and end in awe over how intricate the Lord's plan is for us. I actually went to the temple with my husband the year our baby boy would have been a year old, on December the 2nd, and performed the ordinances for my Great Grandmother and Grandfather...it was a profound and amazing experience.

I was on call on 3/07; we are required to pull one on call shift a month at the hospital, and it has been more often lately because of how sick the children are. I was scheduled in advance by someone else...I am at the mercy of the unit when it comes to developing a schedule. I came in knowing that there was a sick child sent from another hospital in the area whom I had cared for just under 4 months ago. When I heard his name, my heart sunk...I remembered him, his parents, and the miracle behind his little life.

While I was caring for my patients, the code alarm sounded, and nurses from the unit went running to this 4 month old child's room--myself included. He was quickly stabilized when I noticed a two year old little sister walking aimlessly--the baby's mother was fully focused on her infant, so I snatched her up and played with her. She looked deep in my eyes, grinned, and then instantly started to find something to play with. We found a toy hooked to the wall outside of her brothers room. She stood there while I knelt down and played with her. She looked at her brothers door, looked back at me, and said, "Brother die...." (except she called him by name, of which I cannot do here, but her voice and his sweet name will forever be in my mind), she then sounded weary as she said, "Brother hurt." I hugged her tight, lifted her up and started walking around....only moments later her little brother once again started to slip away, and once again, life saving efforts were performed. After three episodes, the mother and father were left to decide whether to continue or allow their child to slip away. She begged, "What if you take him to surgery now?" to which the doctor and I had to, with weary heart, let her know that her child wasn't stable enough to survive a surgery. She cried, "So what you're telling me is I'm losing my son tonight". She looked deep into my eyes and said, "He is fighting so hard, " and then she wept like only a parent losing a child weeps. They finally allowed him to pass into the next life....only to have a door of longing and pain opened for the period of this life. In spite of our knowledge of life here and in heavenly realms, nothing comes close to the pain of losing a child. I looked at this beautiful baby's body, so chubby and perfect, laying motionless on the bed...and my heart was drawn back to the very moment I saw my chubby little 4 month boy laying motionless in the exact same position, with the exact same tubes from his mouth aimed at saving his life, and my heart grew weary. I wished that I could allow that mother to have her son alive....I would suffer the pain all over again, if she didn't have to. I watched her examine his little feet and touch his body; I know that feeling--as you strive to remember every detail and curve of a body that will soon be placed in the grave. They left the hospital that night without their son, as we did in March 2007, it's not natural....my heart breaks for them.

I am once again convinced that coincidences do not exist in the Lord's plan. I was placed on call by a nurse on 3/07, feeling so close to my son, for a purpose. I held a little girl that night and witnessed her foresight with awe, and I watch a beautiful four month old infant fade into the next life. This was the first death I have witnessed on the PICU--he was only days from turning four months, the same exact number of days our Shane was from turning four months old.

Sweet son, my son, I still remember how your beautiful perfect feet looked on that cold March day...I remember every detail. I love you so much precious child.