First off, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! We celebrated as a small family this year, trying to find a moment in time when we weren't running to and fro. It was a great decision!!!
Second, I've been thinking a lot, and where there is a crystalized thought, there is depth, and where there is depth, there is a desire to share. I know, people aren't sharing as much as they once use to. I understand, believe me I do. We live in a very hard and overwhelming world. With social media, you must make a decision to live off the grid or to be a scroller, a coversationalist, or a sharer. The word choices aren't rocking it tonight, but I'm working my third night shift this weekend, off of little sleep between church meetings and The Messiah rehearsals, and I'm just gonna write how I want tonight, with no regards to grammar, to make up for the dragging body and mind I'm striving to sustain.
So, with the social media stance, what are you?
I'm not opposed to throwing it all away and saying goodbye to it, but let's face it, the world is evolving. I choose to adapt and strengthen myself by exercising the restraint that you must when you choose to be a scroller, a coversationalist, or a sharer.
Whether we agree or not, all three types of people require some kinda restraint, and I prefer to call it self control. Life is about tempering ourselves, finding power over the natural habits that tear us down. Those habits can be related to money, food, desires towards anything, emotional outbursts, laziness....and the list goes on.
I asked what you are, though I mean it to be more of a self reflection. I, myself, am a sharer--though I've oscillated between being a coversationalist and sharer. Rarely do I simply scroll. If I'm on social media, I want to share something good and beautiful, or I'd like to find myself edified by speaking with others. No, it's not the same as face to face contact, but YES, we do make a difference in each other's lives. I think of my relatives and friends far away--most of which I spend decades without. I love them, I miss them, and life has not allowed us to be face to face. Yet, they inspire me, and I'm able to learn about who they are, and how they live, even through the few posts they offer through social media. Friends and family all over the world, even those in my own hometown, have me thinking about how I can better myself constantly. They have made a difference in my life.
So, what's the point, right?
Well, at church today, there was a scripture that hit me and left me feeling that my way, the path I choose to walk, is right for me. I only know it because of the confirmations I'm given through prayer and priesthood promises particular to me, from God. Nothing in this world can confirm it for me. As a matter of fact, if I continued to listen to the world, I'd be doing quite the opposite of what I currently do.
Currently, I share.
I share what I find in life that is beautiful. I share my trials, though not all; I've found that we really do become more realistic when people know some of our struggles. I'm FAR from where I want to be, but I'm making my way there. Some trials have befallen me by my own stupidity, or imperfection, and some have been given by God. They are both hard to bear. I share my heartaches, just a portion. I share my beliefs, my faith, and my deep reflective thoughts. I share my voice, my skills and talents, and when I do that, I feel like I never should have because of that shaky hand and quivering fear that consumes me. Yet, once in awhile, the Lord gives me an abundance of gifts and an increase in skill when I share those talents for Him. Tonight, as I sang at our Messiah rehearsal, I was next to another Krystle (different spelling, same beautiful name). She has the voice of an angel, but as sopranos understand, when you are singing your "over the staff A's", you can lose your voice after dozens of run throughs. We did a sixteenth note run up to a high A, and my voice squeaked and cracked that A out LOUDLY!!! Both of us couldn't continue singing, we just giggled for the rest of the song. She was so sweet, praising me for even trying to hit it! When I left, I felt like being near her gave me an increased ability to sing the soprano part more lovely than before, minus that A note blunder. As we come together and share, we all are strengthened and edified.
Here's the issue with sharing--it can hurt.
When I'm being myself, and seeing the light and goodness that has been given to me, I'm not hurting, of course not. When I'm singing, and the notes are actually coming out right, I don't feel pain or embarrassment. When my heartfelt words have been placed on paper, or in cyber space, and my intent is to share the goodness of my perspective, I don't feel engulfed by opposition. When I give a compliment, joy swells in me, not sorrow.
However, sometimes being yourself is scorned, even when all you're striving to do is the right thing--there are critics at every corner, and we are all hurt innocently at times. When I slip up on a note while singing, because of nerves, embarrassment floods, and when my heartfelt words aren't reciprocated or even acknowledged by the recipient, pain and disappointment are my companions. The pain that comes from unmet expectations, such as the courtesy of response when you have shared your soul with someone, can be remedied by lowering your expectation, and then cautioning yourself against those who will take your pearls and cast them away instead of holding them dear. I'm very tolerant in that matter, however, it takes many experiences with someone to take a stance of extreme caution, merely because I understand how we are all human, unable to do everything that comes our way, and in need of many chances.
What it boils down to is vulnerability. My favorite people are those who aren't afraid to be vulnerable. It shows me that there is softness, pure love, and wisdom within them.
I'm a very vulnerable person--and there are times when I share things and then feel a massive dark cloud looming over me--not as a consequence for anything done wrongfully, but as an attack. The truth is, the powers of dark and light are at war, even more now than ever before. If you take the risk to share the light within you, you are guaranteed one thing, some kind of battle, and then you can choose the next thing, the win. Light always overpowers darkness, always, but we must continually choose that light, and choose to share it. Like the scriptures say, it profits us not to hide our lights, but when we share them, others will see the good works which we do and they will glorify God....not the being who transmits the light, which is us, but the world will glorify God.
The hard path in life is usually the right path, but it is also made easy by the blessings which come from walking it. While we live in a world where darkness abounds, and even creeps into our own minds at times, there will be some aching and distress when we are vulnerable. Yet, I have no regrets over standing for goodness and truth. My regrets come when I allow other people, and their opinions of me, to drive my actions.
I haven't quite mastered the "shake it off" concept, but I probably never will. In 35 years, I've found that the naive girl from my childhood still believes that most people are kind, loving, and don't want to see you in anguish. I have a strong desire to hold onto that naive thinking, even though experience has taught me that some people do intentionally hurt you--some have hurt me. My hope is that whatever may be causing the ill behavior towards me will be put to rest in their lives, because most people act unkindly out of personal unresolved pain in themselves.
The scripture from church today that has guided my thoughts is in Romans chapter 5. It reads:
"....we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
If you've spent a good part of your time sharing your goodness, and it just seems that life gets harder, thank God. If you endure well, you will be given patience, that patience will give you experience, the experience gives you hope, and hope will leave you without shame.
I am not ashamed for who I am. I am not ashamed for how I share myself with the world. I may feel weary and heartbroken, but at the end of the day, I know that I have sought to give some of the light within me to others, instead of smothering it behind closed doors.
And what do we hope in at days end? Of what are we not ashamed?
I hope in the knowledge that because I have a Savior, all the aching will one day fade, the tribulation will cease, the looming storm clouds will dissipate and allow the light to shine down on me. Light finds light, and dwells with it. Personally, I know that when children are drawn to me, I'm doing something right. They are pure beacons of light, and to have their gaze, their loving arms around you, and their sweet adoration, is to have a piece of heaven. I was blessed with the gaze of many children today, my favorites were a little toddler boy that mimicked my funny faces I made at him during church lessons, and the other was the sweet over the shoulder glances a young girl singing in The Messiah continued to give me--her smile and attentiveness to the kindness I was offering her was so warm upon my own heart.
Vulnerability is the new brave, kindness is the greatest strength, and love is the power tool that wins wars--amongst quarreling nations and quarreling hearts.
From a tired Mommy-nurse who put 110% into the day, which should've been my night, and awaits the dawn with great anticipation,
Goodnight, to you at least!
