I recently read a quote about transitions:
"Times of transition are strenuous, but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want."
I actually received this quote in my mailbox on January 12th, as I was packing a few things up. I thought...yep, they are strenuous. It is amazing, however, to see what you are capable of. When once your habit was to get up at 8am and roll into breakfast at 9, now you are up and completing tasks a plenty by 9am. It doesn't mean that every day has to be this way, because every life, every schedule, and every single person is extraordinarily different.
I am looking at my son's math book and thinking of how proud I am that amidst all the challenges we are facing he is not complaining a bit about the work I am putting him up to. It busies the children's minds and gives them a sense of happiness to do such tasks. I am grateful for these years that I have had them under my wing....and I am especially grateful for all of the sweet little things Maya has been whispering to me on a nightly basis. It could be 3:30am, and somehow we have both been stirred to life from our deep sleep. She will sit straight up in the bed, look towards me as I console her, and then whisper, "I love you all the way up to the moon Mommy...and back!" Then she will inevitably ask for some of her pretzels that she bought with her own saved money...she sure is proud of that big girl moment.
When we purge, it is mindful that we purge the correct things--old habits, bad memories, ugly reactions, and feelings of anger and pain. Purging old stuff too is a great part of this, I believe. Letting go of the one thing that you just couldn't part with for 10 years, but you have no idea why it's still sitting, untouched, useless, and old. I believe 90% of our home would qualify for the inevitable purge! I am excited to get to that work only because I believe as we let go of the tangible useless possessions, the Lord will give us eyes to see how we can let go of the intangible ones as well. The things we cannot touch are ultimately the things that rule our lives...our mind, our feelings, and our very own will.
Once a purge has happened, the priorities naturally fall into place. Think of organizing a pantry. With every pantry that I have organized time and time again, I have found hundreds of expired useless items. Every item that is definitely expired (because I push the limit sometimes) gets tossed. It is quite sad to look at all the things we have been living with that have only made life that much more chaotic and inhabitable. Once the purge is complete, the organizing begins. It actually comes naturally to most of us, though I know there has been some "stewing" over where the tomatoes should go--vegetable or fruit??? I personally keep them with the vegetables...even though they are a fruit!
The key in the final phase is making sure to create those new habits. The only way I KNOW my daughter has become an efficient writer in by watching her write time and time again. The only way I KNOW that my boys are becoming independent learners is by watching them take their books and complete their assignments. The only way I can KNOW that my heart has softened is by interacting with people who I have grown hard to, and then seeing a consistent change in how I look, the things I say, and what I am revealing in every single action. The only way I can KNOW that I am being treated with kindness is by consistently seeing acts of kindness and hearing uplifting words of encouragement. It is kinda funny in the end though, because ultimately the true test of whether the outward behaviors have truly become a change of heart is by testing the intangible, how we feel. How do you feel when you are around me? How do I feel when I am around you? How do others feel when they are with us?
I am hopeful that as this phase of life opens up to me, I can see clearly what the purges should be, how I can best prioritize, and then what habits I should place into this picture of heartache and pain so that the chaos can finally dissipate and be nothing but a distant memory of times that made us stronger.
Dear Little Maya,
Tonight, remember that I do love you right up to the moon and back...then around the universe an infinite number of times. You are so beautiful. You looked up at me tonight and said, "Are you not coming with us Mommy?" I told you I wasn't, and that I had to stay here. Your eyes swelled with tears, but instead of making it harder by crying with you, I reassured you that we WILL do something fun together as a family tomorrow! When you left, I cried behind closed doors, just praying you know that I only want what is 100% best for you, my princess. You are indeed worthy of being called a princess. You best be treated like one too.
Dear Miss Lydia,
You screamed for a good hour when i told you I wasn't coming with you tonight. I hugged you and allowed you to go with out a shower. You isolated yourself in a bedroom, but I didn't care keep you alone in this hour of your life. I came and sat right beside you, hugged you, kissed you, and told you that I love you so very much. You know, I want to be with you every day and every night of your short little childhood, but I will not let a night...two...or more....allow me to lose focus on what I have in you and what you should know through every day of your life. You are a beautiful girl, a daughter of God, with a tender heart. You deserve to feel happy all the time...we're working in your favor, I promise little one.
Dear Aiden "Obii",
Do you know how awesome you are? I have watched you over the last few days in detail. You are so fun to be with. You can take any situation and make it work for that beautiful smile on your face. You will strap a holster around you, maybe even a little quiver, and take up a plastic sword and fight to your mighty reign--amongst every creature, big (brother Connor) or small (little cousin Christian). I can't imagine life with out you. You make me smile as I watch you cherish the days of your childhood still. Keep living it out Aiden, I don't want to see that light fade as the years come. You bring such warmth to me. I love you tough guy, who can't help but hig me 30 seconds after I have just disciplined you.
Dear Connor "Riid",
I wish I could wrap you in my arms and multiply you forever. You are such a sweet, kind, and gentle guy. Yes, you like to have your way, but the ways in which you adapt and meekly accept life and school for what it is simply amaze me. You have a work ethic that is beautiful. Your heart is full of such beauty and love. I love being with you and feeling you come up behind me for a hug. As we stand at the same height right now, you are showing me daily how quickly you will tower over me--most likely in wisdom as well as height. Thank you for being the first born in our home. You have no idea how much I can see in that order which God has placed upon you. You are meant to lead...because you whisper words of truth and kindness. Take care of your brother and sisters.
Dear Baby Shane,
You are watching this trial take place, and I can imagine the sadness you are engulfed in, but the happiness that comes in bursts as well. I'm certain you laughed today as Aiden crawled into a little igloo, and Connor tried to follow, only to get stuck because he was WAY too long to wiggle his lower body in without breaking the structure apart. I watched and laughed, seeing a 5'2" 89 pound handsome boy get down to the level of a lowly child. You most likely saw Maya walk up to me and rub her hand against my cheek in the loving way she always does, and then whisper as she walked away, "I love you!" You probably felt the deep anguish as each of us shed our own tears, in our own ways, tonight. There were many. I'm sorry it is so. You were lucky to win your crown without this mortal pain, but nothing does compare to the anguish of the spirit when someone you love is suffering. I know you suffer with us. I love you...stay close by sweet son.
Love you to the moon and back...and an infinite times around the universe...
Mommy, the best name ever!
